[Solved] Financial despair

Hi Gary

The usual advice is to try and stay put, once you leave, as you acknowledge, your outgoings will escalate .

The fact that she doesn't work isn't helpful and if she wants her independence then she should be looking at supporting herself. This is something that needs to be discussed, as she isn't financially able to buy you out, or take over the mortgage, the best solution would be to put the house on the market. It's usual when this happens for the parent with primary responsibility for the children to get a larger share of the equity.

If you have joint debts then you would get some reduction of child maintenance, but anything that's in your name will be solely your responsibility. Debts she has with catalogues,if they are in her name, will be her responsibility if you split up.

Unfortunately, the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) won't take account of your rent and other outgoings if you move out, they will apply a percentage of gross income depending on the number of children you have, they can make reductions for joint debts and the number of overnight stays the children spend with you. They also make a reduction if you are paying into a pension. Here's a link to the CMS calculator which may give you a rough idea of the amount you may be required to pay

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

It's best to think through your options carefully, perhaps you and your wife might benefit from mediation, to try and discuss your options, and give each of you a clearer picture of what might be involved if you separate.

Best of luck

Hello Gary77,

As Mojo says "stay put." Do not move out of the family home! If you did move out, your finances would worsen and you do not want that to happen.

Is it possible your wife is unaware of the true financial situation because you have dealt with all matters concerning money? I think you need to have a very serious talk with her and the financial situation you are both in regarding expenditure, costs of keeping a roof over the family's heads and her debts. As said, because your name is on the credit card, you and you alone will be responsible for those debts.

You appear to have shouldered all the responsibility regarding finances even those incurred by your wife, meaning credit card and catalogue debts. I am told the Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) are very good at helping people with debt advice. I would suggest the first thing to do is for BOTH of you to make an appointment with the CAB to unravel the debt situation.

Until you get your finances sorted out, I do not believe you are in a position to make any life changing decisions such as splitting up, moving house etc.

Good evening Gary77,

I'm sorry to hear you find yourself in a difficult situation, but you are not alone, lots of people are in a similar, or indeed much worse state.

Whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE FAMILY HOME. If you do you will lose the home, carry on paying for it and probably lose contact with your children once your wife realises she will get more CM if residency is entirely with her. If you moved out you would end up in a much worse state, so DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE FAMILY HOME.

It is a pity that you and your wife are not seeing eye to eye at the moment, I suspect much of this will be down to money (if generally is). This is not all about your happiness and your wife's though: you have children and they must come first. The state makes it quite easy for people to end their marriages rather than find ways of working through difficulties, which I think is a pity for children as (almost) inevitably it involves them losing contact with their father, who ends up living under the railway arches soon after he moves out, so DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE FAMILY HOME.

Do whatever you can to make things work, you and your wife may still have difficulties, but you both have obligations towards your children that will not be made better by you disappearing from their lives.

This will be a tough journey for you (and for your wife), but don't give up, and certainly DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE FAMILY HOME.

Best wishes,

O

Thanks all for your comments. I'm not going to move out but things are unbearable. Weekends are especially bad. She will stay in bed all day and if I try and speak to her, I either get silent treatment or nasty verbal abuse - she wishes me dead, hopes I get cancer (which is particularly vile as my Dad is being treated for this at the moment). Talking just doesn't go anywhere. Whereas I am a pretty rational person who tries to get on with things, she is the opposite. She's thrown full cups of coffee at me, tore up wedding photos, and physically hit me (she's a lot bigger than me). She knows the state of our finances but doesn't care. I think part of the problem is that she feels she has no responsibility for anything - it's my job to worry about these things, in her eyes. She's clearly depressed, but then she blamed me 100% for that as well.
I guess I'm at the point of not wanting to persist with someone who really despises me but just uses me. I know the kids are the key thing here, but this is no good for them - Dad sleeping on the settee night after night, and listening to their mother badmouth him endlessly. They are frightened of her more than me. The eldest gives me signs that she understands the score, but won't visibly say or do anything that will get her into hot water with her mother. The youngest is very sensitive and once her mother has started on me, she starts to blank me as well.

Hello Gary77,

You really are having a rough time. It must be very difficult for you to hang on in there but it is obvious from what you write that the children need you and you need them.

If you left your home which you must not do at the moment (mentioned previously), you would be in a financially worse position and added to that you would be dreadfully worried about the children and possibly going to court to get contact to see them if the mother was being difficult about you having access.

Can you make it better for yourself and the children by taking them out for nature walks, painting, playing games? These things do not cost anything or at the most a few pence for some chalk, a pencil and paper etc.

Do seriously think about taking the first step to resolving your situation by seeking advice from the Citizens Advise Bureau (CAB) regarding your debts. I do believe this is your starting point to sorting out the situation you are in. I do appreciate how difficult this must be when there is so much stress and unhappiness in your life.

Take one step at a time and things will gradually improve to a point where you have more options available to you.

Hi Gary77,

Yours will seem like the loneliest place in the world at the moment, but be assured your plight is not unique (or even unusual). Many of us have had spouses that have acted in similar ways, I'm afraid DV by women is far more common than society likes to believe.

Like many men, you have ended up between a rock and a hard place: either stay with your abusive wife for the sake of your children, or leave. The problem is that if you leave the perception (by the state) will be that you have abandoned your children, there is huge bias towards mothers (I think largely to keep the social welfare budget down) so the children will end up residing with your ex-wife, you will end up paying the mortgage for a house you will never see again, a good proportion of your income in CM and if your wife wants to be difficult she can make it hard for you to see your children (and then you will be portrayed as a bad person far more than is the case now). Overall I can't see that would be a better situation for you or for your children (and maybe not even for your wife) than you have now.

This sounds like a gloomy prediction, and it is, but I'm afraid the outcome I have described is not unusual. There will be many subscribers to this site who recognise the circumstances well and there is no point pretending it is likely to be anything else.

You have been given some good advice here. I suspect that you will just have to be the responsible adult and shoulder the whole burden here (this is not unusual, I had to do it, as did many others who will read this). Sort out the debts, keep working, look after your children well (they are the most important thing here), put up with the strain at home and bide your time. One day your children will be old enough to understand (and they will), so you will be able to do something about the issue with their mother that is much less disadvantageous to you and your children than leaving now would be. If you can build bridges to make life better with your wife then do so (I know this sounds impossible to you at the moment, but her perception of the world is that she would be better off without you, but that could change).

I know life is difficult at the moment, but be assured you are not alone, lots of us have been there. Be strong for your children

O