[Solved] Why fathers don't get more involved

Why do men feel unable to take on an equal role in childcare?

Presumably, because it has always been considered the mother's role to look after children, and changes such as this require at least a generation to change, often more.

Not directly related, but illustrates the point, I had a conversation with a father of a young child about 15 years ago who was considering whether to allow the school to force his daughter to write with her right hand, though she was left handed - I was amazed that such ideas still existed in schools (I was lucky not to have been forced to do so).

Im a stay at home Dad,I have been for just over a year now and to be totally honest about it i've always been made to feel welcome whenever I take my lad to clubs etc. Maybe i've just been lucky. 😉 😉

Hi

You know that is a very very very top interesting point and a top solid question to look at "why fathers don't get involved?"

Well one analysis I worked out was that were does a baby spend there 1st 9 months in development, it's in the mothers womb
Attached to the mother through the umbilical cord. So automatically theirs an attachment it's like the baby is all ready warmed to
the mother, were as the father doesnt have that attachment so its like the father has to earn that attachment

JJ

JJ,my little boy makes me earn it sometimes,the little monkey gives me a right hard time somedays-Mum..Mum..Mum 😀 D

Great thread!! 😎 )
I totally agree with JimJamsDad and have always felt welcome whenever I've gone to various toddler groups (and even a baby massage course through Sure Start at a local juniour school).

I think the thing I'm missing is not being able to build proper friendships. Conversation stops at the nappy/sleeping/eating/behaviour conversations all around LO and a few light hearted comments. I have a sense that, for whatever reason, many ladies seem to stay at a distance (could it be: not wanting to be labelled as flirting with the only man; or not able to talk 'mens talk' so stay away; or simply a man here is out of normal context...). A more important aspect is that I feel slightly out of place or anxious as I arrive and I am certain that type of non verbal body language communication gives the message 'stay away from me'. Fortunately after several weeks a few brave ladies do get into longer or genuine sharing of experience / opinion). I must admit that I internally giggle when someone is fussing around me by offering to get me coffee etc (as if this male needs someone to hold-his-hand and mummy him because he can't make coffee) 🙂
Getting back to the article: I was inspired by the thought of men getting together in the context of children - and am pleased that it happens in a relaxed envirnoment of a pub. For me, anything around toddlers would work - eg a relaxed cuppa at someone's house while a few blokes chat and the children keep interrupting us with toys, climbing and babbling at us because we are the ones they are used to being around. So I am still on a hunt for local blokes with LO's.

As a full time carer I have a real interest in 'attachment' and was really interested in JJ's post.
IMHO there is definitely an aspect of us men being 'second fiddle' to Mummy because of the early 9 month bond during pregancy. But it does not have to stay that way!!
I used to be largely affected by not having skills needed to meet a baby's needs. Later I found out that new Mums have the same problem (feeling they are supposed to know how to care for their baby but not actually having the confidence or knowledge of what to do).
So, after learning by repeatedly looking after children, I started to build up a few 'tools'. By 'tools' I mean I started to get ideas about what might be the cause of, eg. 'baby crying' and a list of a few things to try (eg nappy, bottle, sleep, wind, teeth or just wait for it to pass). Gradually increasing the different problems I felt I might deal with, eg. won't eat puree foods; how to take TV remote away without leaving LO crying; how to tell when LO is ready for a nap. Also gaining the practical skills of how to change nappy; how to mix and spoon food into tiny mouth, how to bath baby so it's head was always above water, etc. By gaining confidence in handling many difficulties I now feel like an equal when at a toddler group full of Mums and LO's.

So I wonder whether a task would be identifying how to equip Fathers (in a male/bloke's way) with the skills and thus the confidence to deal with lots of 'baby/toddler/children' situations which will arise. Perhaps a starting point could be to grapple with getting Fathers to be curious about what makes their baby/toddler/child 'tick', and actually expecting themselves to be able to confidently handle a day-to-day difficult with their young child.

I still need to deal with my reaction when my missus over-organises things (feed him at 12 and put him down for a nap at 2...) and I get uppity because I think she is implying I can't cope without her around for a day. In reality I recognise that shes simply approaching life with baby the way it needs to be: make sure baby's care and needs are dealt with first; then go and do other things - so it is her learnt skill to think about baby before going out for the day.