[Solved] social services ripped family apart. help please!

Hi There,
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It sounds as though you have been through a lot and it's normal to feel how you do.
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By the sounds of things you haven't been too well behaved in the past and this has maybe come back to haunt you, these issues from the past though won't stop you from having contact, they will just slow things down while you deal with them. You need to be strong and handle the issues that get given to you as and when they are.
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I would firstly try and look after yourself, I would guess you aren't sleeping well, so go and see your GP and explain what you are going through, they will be able to help, maybe with medication to help you sleep or to calm your moods, they may even suggest some counselling for you so that you can discuss and clear your head.
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We will all be able to talk and help you through this but you will need to help yourself too by looking after your own health. I would start to look at following everything that you have been advised to do by SS, They will be the ones that will have most of the control of what happens from now on, even if you end up in court, the judge will look for recomendations from SS as to what action to take.
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You are going to have to jump through hoops to get contact with your daughter due to your past, but it is possible to regain and maintain that contact if you follow through with what has been asked of you, no matter how unreasonable you feel it is.
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Stay strong and keep talking to us.
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GTTS

Hi there

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. When something like this knocks you down it can take a lot of effort to get back up and dealing with it seems impossible....it's not, but as GTTS has said, you will need to work with them and do what they ask without losing your temper or arguing about it, even if it seems unreasonable.

If they have said you can start having supervised contact, that's a good step in the right direction perhaps you can start looking into this and getting more information about the contact centres in your area. Here's a link to their website, but speak to the Social Services as they might have facilities in place to help with this.

www.naccc.org.uk

The most important thing right now is to get yourself in a better place, physically and mentally, your baby girl is going to need you to be stong for her....you can get this sorted out, but it will take time and effort on your part to show the authorities that you aren't a risk. Unfortunately your past is all they have to go on at the moment, so by acting in a reasonable and calm way and agreeing to everything they ask of you, you can show them that you have changed and are capable of putting the needs of your daughter above everything else.

As GTTS has said, it's important to look after yourself, make sure you are eating properly and getting enough sleep.... Alcohol and weed won't help you if you are feeling low, it's most likely to make you feel worse. Think about what activities you can do to help yourself, going to the gym can help to focus your mind and getting fit will give you a different perspective and will also help if you are having problems sleeping. Getting fit and taking care of yourself will make you feel better about yourself and when you start to improve people will start to see that you are dealing with your situation in a positive and pro active way.

It might all seem too much right now, but by taking it one day at a time and making small changes everyday things will get better. It helps to talk and share problems, you're not alone, we are here to listen and to advise and support you as much as we can.

All the best.

Thankyou both so much for reying, and so fast. I have been foing everything i can such as keeping off weed, gambling, opening a bank for my daughter, in the process of making the house nice for the assessments, keeping up with work etc. But like i saidi have given the partner or ex partner some bad messages on texts and pestered her alot the past few weeks. Not meaning to, but when shes telling me on the phone she loves me then im being tolf shes putting in a non molestation order, it feels like her and her family are playing games and ive fell right into the trap. I just hope iv'e not completely messed it up! Social services havent helped the messing aroind of my head either, they have said partner foesnt want me having contact and then does about 4 times already and denied saying she was letting me at the latest meeting. Like i said ive been told i can have supervised access once she is back from holiday but im worried they will change their mind again. My head is all over the place i cant eat, sleep i cry through the day every morning and night. Its the first thing i think about when i wake up and the last when i go to sleep. Im glad i have signed up on here because i think speaking to someone each day will help me get it all out and focus on what i need to do and what i need to not do. The last few weeks ive been doing everything i can do but then letting myself down messaging my partner or ex partner. One minute i will be saying things like why are you playing me i hate you to the next saying i love her. I dont even get a reply but feel the need to message her still and that is my biggest mistake since the social git involved. Can someone tell me if i might have messed up seeing my daughter forever or if i do everything right from now can i sort this mess out. Im devastated because iv read we can never really be a proper family again and we was happy she was asking me to marry her the week before she left. Theres nothing better than coming home from work to my daughter every night being there for her and waking up to her every morning. Is this 100% out of the window now for good? If they give me this supervised access they have promised i will be so happy because i havent seen her for ages it seems but even so travelling 50 miles to see my daughter once ever few weeks for an hour thats not enough. Im not a danger to my daughter she needs me, iv been there for her since day one. Im just constantly thinking negative, what if ive messed up.. what if i necer get unsupervised accesd.. we can never be a famaily again... my daughters now 50 miles away i dont even know where she lives, iv seen no recebt pictures im missing out on everything. Sorry for going on i.do appreciate someones listeningand its quite a relief. I started writibg a diary and have kept it going. It puts my feelings on paper which relieves things a little bit but nothing will relieve anything until i see my daughter.

Just as i sent that i come off the phone to the solicitor to arrange the first 30min free consultation tomorrow regarding contact.Is there anything else i should bring up? What should i be asking im quite well educated up to degree but my head is battered i cant think properly. Thankyou

Good morning,

Firstly you haven't made it so you won't ever be able to see your daughter, I won't lie though, you have made things harder by messaging your ex so much, if she has managed to get a non mol order against you that will slow things down as will your past, as these will need to be addressedb before they can sort contact out.

I'm glad talking has helped that is often the way and why I suggested going to see your GP as they will also listen and try and help.

From this point it's very importantt to be 100% squeaky clean, so stay off the weed and drink, keep clear of gambling and follow the non mol order to the letter, so stop tryingt o contact your ex, no matter how you are feeling that is not going to help as she will just make further complaints about you which will damage your case further.

You can and will get through this and as long as you jump though every hoop that is put in front of you and do exactly as you are asked without questioning it you still have a very strong case to see your daughter.

The courts want both parents in children's lives so they will work to try and maintain that, but if you keep pestering your ex, you are only going to add ammunitiont for her to claim you are a threat and that you shouldn't be allowedt too see your daughter.

The messages you have already sent although do paint you in a bad light, can be explained by your emotional state, that emotional explanation will be helped if you go and see your GP as there will be a record on file that you have been and sought help for how you have been feeling .

The more you can do to try and resolve the issues you currently have the better things will end up when you attend court .

So think of all the things you have done, when these get brought up in court, you can answer with, " I have addressed that, I sought medical advice, the doctor has helped me by .......... and I can now see the way I behaved wasn't acceptable but was due to my mental state and my emotions which I couldn't get a handle on, since seeing the doctor I now feel much calmer and in control and regret the way I acted"

That sort of statement in court will go a long way to repair the things that have happened.

So in order to get moving you need to help yourself, go and see your GP and ask for help, there is no shame in it, and it will help you get some control of your own life back, which is what you need before anything else.

We will always be here to talk too and give you advice, many of us have been where you are now and come out the other side.

GTTS

Hi there

Thanks for getting back to us....we do get worried about new members that are at such a low point, so it's good to know that you are keeping away from the weed and gambling and are looking to provide for your little ones future.

The only advice I can give about the meeting with the solicitor is to be honest about your situation, remember they are not there to judge you. All of the mixed messages you received from her and Social Services didn't help and you were all over the place, not knowing where you stood...these aren't excuses, they are mitigating circumstances and as long as the texts and calls have stopped you can start to show that now you understand the situation you are doing your best to put things right.

Because mediation isn't appropriate, the solicitor can advise you about applying to the court for a Child Arrangements Order, it's probably better to wait until the outcome of the NMO case, have you received the court papers about this yet? If you started the application for a CAO before the NMO case has been concluded it's likely that it would be adjourned anyway. You will also need a contact address for her, or more likely her solicitors contact details to make the application for a CAO.

Do you have any close friends or family members that you can turn to for support, the next few weeks will be tough emotionally, as you adjust to the new situation, but it will get better. Have a read of Mr Slims posts, he was at a very low point when he found his way here, but he found ways to cope and things started to improve for him, as they will for you.

As GTTS has said, you've made things more difficult, but it can be put right with patience and effort. Next time you speak to the SS apologise for the way you have reacted but give them assurances that you are working hard to get back on track, concentrating on work and getting your home in order and putting money aside for your daughter.... Ask them if they can refer you to any parenting courses such as the Separated Parents information Programme and if they have any advice to help you progress the situation. Ask if they are able to facilitate supervised contact, or if you arranged it, if they would agree to it. As you can't contact your ex ask them if they could get some recent photos of your daughter....just keep it calm and reasonable at all times.

Best of luck.

GTTS & Mojo have both given you sound advice and there's not really much I can add. I hope the solicitor's appointment goes well for you, keep posting and we will do our best to support you.

Good luck

Its so hard because i love them both. I dont understand why she was telling me she loves me wants to be a family but dont tell anyone and at the same time arranging to see a solicitor about a non mol order. I dont blame her she is doing everything shes being told to do and her family havent even asked how baby was until she was picked up a few weeks ago. They never even spoke for 2 years. I just cant see the finish line. Iv done all those things seen gp etc. I dont even want to be here anymore, onlu for my daughter. Its been 5-6 weeks and nothings got any better i still havent even seen my daughter. Its a joke im a good dad i wish i wasnt bothered like some other people it wouldnt be so painful but i am. I just need to see her before i can even try and think straight

Solicitor has basically said everything you guys have said. Thanks for the support.

I though it would be worth mentioning that i cant help but hope my partner sticks by me through all this andwe can be a happy family like we were before theymade us split up. Most of the messages i send arr to tell her i love them both and how much im tryna do everythinv i can. I know i shoild probably forget about being a family again but its the only thing i can hope for i love them both so much i just wanna be there wakong up to them both every morning putting baby to sleep everynight like we was.. shoild i be completely forgetting about that happening again... i dont think i can

Hi There,
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I think (and this is only my view) that maybe your ex has had some feelings of not wanting to be together for a while for what ever reason, sometimes all it takkes for those feelings to surface is for someone to listen to you and tell you what you want to hear, and that is probably what SS have been doing, I don't believe SS would try and split up a family, if both parties were 100% commited to it. They must have been acting on something your ex has said to them.
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It's really difficult at the start of a break up, especially when there is a child involved too, you are going through a mourning process, in the same way you would if someone you loved died. It may not feel like it at the moment but things do get better, You really do need to try and concentrate on your own health and well being at the moment, I know you miss your daughter, but if you don't look after yourself then you won't be any good to her anyway.
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What did the GP say? If they didn't seem to be able to offer any help when you went, then return to them and ask again, sometimes GP's hope that things will sort themselves out rather than offer medication, or counselling, but in your case things aren't getting any better so go back and ask again for help.
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Give your ex some space, she must be feeling a bit overwelmed by all the messages you have sent, and that in turn could be making her feel pressured, I know it's really difficult, but stop messaging her, and give her some room to think. Follow what you have been told by your solicitor, and we will continue to help and support you.
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You can be a part of your daughters life again, as long as you follow everything you have been asked to do too the letter, it will take time and you do have a long way to go, but all is not lost.
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Stay strong
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GTTS