[Solved] New here and in need of advice (rough patch)

I would consider going to Relate - you can go on your own, but once you've spoken to them a couple of times, you could ask your partner if she'd come with you.

[censored] this is a carbon copy of what i went through in 2007/2008......my little one was born Autum 2007.

i eventually gave in and walked out on my ex and child late in 2009 after too many little issues blown out of proportion and too many times defending my parents and my actions over HER unreasonable and irrational behaviour, irrational actions etc...

i tried to find a way of helping my ex but she simply wouldn't compromise with anything.....her way or the high way!!!

i tried everything and eventually resorted to a couple of ultimatums.....i'd leave if she didn't get help....i'd leave her if she didn't let my family see their grandchild........things got better for a few weeks.....then she went back to refusing every offer of help or visits with the grandparents etc...
When i tried suggesting i'd take the little one to the park for an hour or two to give her some "me time" i was always accused of tying to take him away from her all the time....and she didn't need "me time".
I spoke with the health visitor who said it could be PND but as she'd not seen her for some time she could look in to it....the ex had stopped or kept making excuses not to see the health visitor....even though she'd told me she'd seen her and all was fine!

my ex is a total control freak.....(possibly autistic from some of her actions).....after 3yrs of fighting through courts to get her to stick to contact arrangements and extend contact i've no more contact (less in fact) than i had before i took the legal action to get more contact with my little one....i've now got an Enforced Contact Order with warnings and Penalties of Imprisonment if she breaks it again......and i'm still having issues with her trying to change what the courts have set!
but she knows i'll do anything to see and spend quality time with my little one.....she also knows i'm 100% prepared to apply for the committal order should she break this one!!!

AS actd suggests consider Relate, maybe try speaking with her parents or close friend to see if there's anything they can do to help you/her with. but be careful who and how you speak to people about her....she could blow up at you for goijng behind her back.

I hope for yours and your daughters sake that things improve

Good luck.

Thanks for you reply.

I don't think I could ever walk out on my partner as I know this just isn't her right now.

Following on from what I said in my original post about my parents not seeing their grandchild for two weeks. I took my daughter to see them on Monday without my partner. I was texting her saying it would be nice to for them to both come over, but when she refused she suggested that I just pick my daughter up and take her. This felt like such a big step in terms of her overcoming her possessiveness and her ability of not being able to separate herself from our daughter.

However on Tuesday, I tried to suggest an idea that I'd come over to her and cook for the both of us. After waiting all day for a reply, she messaged back saying that she doesn't deserve to have dinner cooked for her and that she doesn't deserve me and I deserve better. This led onto her trying to end our relationship. As I care so much for her, obviously when she told me this I was in pieces.
I spoke to her parents and they told me that she was only saying this because she just feels so pressured when everyone is talking about the situation to her, and that it was a spur of the moment decision. Her mother told me that she doesn't want to put me through this and that's the reason she has said what she said.
After exchanging a few messages, I finished with just saying I'll always be there for her no matter what as her partner, friend and daughter's Daddy. This is how we left the conversation (on a positive for once).

Not much has been said after this, but we were meant to be going to Brighton tomorrow with our little one for our daughter's first little trip to the seaside. This isn't happening now even though it's already pre-paid, I've now lost a chunk of money. She says she feels bad because of it but as I've already said to her it doesn't matter now and it's not an issue. Stuff happens.

It's our anniversary next Tuesday and I'm just hoping that I'll be able to take her to the restaurant I have booked in London and that we can both relax and enjoy each other's company.

I'm looking into booking an appointment with Relate but I want to see how this weekend unfolds. I do feel like the bubble she is in is on the verge of bursting and her having a breakdown, something I do think would actually be a positive because she might then come to terms with what's truly going on and realise help is needed.

I'll keep you informed, thanks for the support

Sounds to me like you're taking a positive approach to the situation and recognising that your partner, as you say, is not herself. And from the recent developments you describe it sounds like this approach is working. Depression can be so destructive as it is often not recognised and those who are depressed do not or are not able to always behave in what seems to the outside world a reasonable manner - all too often loved ones get caught up in reacting negatively themselves and things simply get worse. I think it is really important that if your partner is suffering from PND you remain there for her, as it sounds you are. The bodily, hormonal and psychological changes that women go through during pregnancy and early motherhood in particular are not necessarily things that we men can empathise with, but we can be there to support them at these times. I would just stay there for her no matter what at this time and communicate this calmly, hopefully she will be ready to seek some help soon if the depression continues - but she needs to feel ready to do that. Keep going - I hope things continue to improve.

Sounds to me like you're taking a positive approach to the situation and recognising that your partner, as you say, is not herself. And from the recent developments you describe it sounds like this approach is working. Depression can be so destructive as it is often not recognised and those who are depressed do not or are not able to always behave in what seems to the outside world a reasonable manner - all too often loved ones get caught up in reacting negatively themselves and things simply get worse. I think it is really important that if your partner is suffering from PND you remain there for her, as it sounds you are. The bodily, hormonal and psychological changes that women go through during pregnancy and early motherhood in particular are not necessarily things that we men can empathise with, but we can be there to support them at these times. I would just stay there for her no matter what at this time and communicate this calmly, hopefully she will be ready to seek some help soon if the depression continues - but she needs to feel ready to do that. Keep going - I hope things continue to improve.

Hi Joe, thanks for your response.

I am trying to stay as positive as possible even though it's getting me down, I'm hardly sleeping at night and it's all I think about at work.

The fact that I was able to take my daughter to my parents by myself was a big step I feel, I think it helped her to learn to let go a little.

I feel like she is however still adamant that our relationship is pretty much over. I'm going round to the flat tomorrow and have given her no choice but to let me cook a nice meal for us. I worded it so that she could relax and put her feet up. She told me that by me cooking doesn't mean anything (she's referring to the texts she sent to me "ending" our relationship).

I don't know whether I should refer to "us" in the past tense now if anything comes up tomorrow to maybe give her a little shock to the system because it's nothing I would usually do.

As much as I want to stay positive, it is killing me inside that I'm not around my partner and my daughter everyday. I miss coming home from work and seeing my 6 month old smile her little face off when I come into view and also just giving my partner a simple "Hello, I'm home" kiss.

I have a week off next week so hopefully I can be around her and support her more (if she let's me). She doesn't understand why I would want to see her as well as our daughter.

How long can PND last if untreated? (She is already on medication)

In my understanding - which is not as a trained clinician - there is not a fixed set of times that PND lasts. I would think it varies depending on the individual and a lot of other things. If I was in your situation I would definitely go to speak to a counsellor about it, as actd has suggested - even if it is only you to start with - there is nothing to be lost from doing this I would not think and it demonstrates how much you care.
If your partner is on medication does she have a Dr who she usually sees? Often the GP may be able to advise on other possible options, including counselling.
It must be so difficult at the moment but try to keep being positive and supporting your partner all you can, as well as giving her enough space when she asks for it. It sounds positive that you have a strong relationship with her parents too - can you talk as openly about it all to them as you do on here?

I suppose that makes a lot of sense. Looking back at my question, it was quite naive of me to think theres a a time limit.

I think I'm going to try and book a counsellor this week and just speak to out with them. I don't think my partner would see it as a problem, I do believe she would see it as me really caring! Something I still think she doesn't quite understand yet.

My partner is on medication but I don't believe she see's her doctor very often. I may bring this up with her mother as I know my partner wouldn't accept me saying this to her.

I talk to her parents about everything I have posted on here, they are supportive and do often tell me to stick with it.

I went over to the flat today to see my partner and daughter after work. This evening really felt like I was starting to get somewhere as if she started believing some of the things that were coming out of my mouth. Again, taking the positive approach, I didn't speak about it around our 6 month old (not that she is aware of what's going on) but I thought I would just talk about our day etc. I actually managed to put a smile on my partner's face by telling her about something funny I saw on the way to the flat.

I brought round ingredients to cook us dinner, which was nice that I could cook for us. I was also able to do my daughter's bottles for the morning while I was there, something that I actually really miss doing. This allowed my partner to have a sit down and relax a little.

After we got talking, I told her it would be nice to see her Tuesday (our anniversary), she said it won't be the same, I simply replied that it would be nice to see her. She went on the lines of that she doesn't deserve me again, I told her she does and kept on saying no matter what I'm always going to be here for you, I was holding her hand at this point, the look in her eye told me she was starting to understand that. I told her what I had planned for our anniversary before all this happened. I said would she think about it, just get dressed up and have a good night out at the restaurant. We had a little cuddle at one point with me telling her again that I'm here for her.

As I left, we had another cuddle, I just felt so positive after leaving like I had actually accomplished something there. The fact that we didn't argue and both spoke in a calm manner was great. We actually had some normal conversation again. I feel like after our anniversary on Tuesday, she might realise or have a breakdown as to what's going on, something I've said I think she needs. I'm speaking very optimistically about all this, but I think it's best to, it helps me keep my sanity.

You sound like such a caring and loving partner... I just wanted to tell you to keep doing what you're doing, she seems to be responding to your patient understanding. I wish you all the strength and hope for a happy and fulfilled future together. 🙂

You have had some great advice on here and you sound a really caring person, very thoughtful. I strongly recommend you seeking counselling yourself, not because you are doing anything wrong, but to help you along the way and your last evening together sounds really good and I believe you played it just right....but I may suggest don't push the cuddling too far, not at this stage, you sound as though you are in early stages of repairing what is happening, and as for the PND, while I don't know anyone who had it, I do believe it just takes time and of course getting the medication level right which is trial and error. PND as a condition to someone who has it can be evil. You sound a good guy and good luck 🙂

You sound like such a caring and loving partner... I just wanted to tell you to keep doing what you're doing, she seems to be responding to your patient understanding. I wish you all the strength and hope for a happy and fulfilled future together. 🙂

Thank you 🙂

You have had some great advice on here and you sound a really caring person, very thoughtful. I strongly recommend you seeking counselling yourself, not because you are doing anything wrong, but to help you along the way and your last evening together sounds really good and I believe you played it just right....but I may suggest don't push the cuddling too far, not at this stage, you sound as though you are in early stages of repairing what is happening, and as for the PND, while I don't know anyone who had it, I do believe it just takes time and of course getting the medication level right which is trial and error. PND as a condition to someone who has it can be evil. You sound a good guy and good luck 🙂

The advice on here has been fantastic, it's made me feel very supported.

I'm going to ring my local Relate to try and book a counselling session for myself after the weekend. I agree with the cuddling aspect, it was more of just a hug goodbye, I prefer to use the word cuddling. 🙂

We are in the early stages still but I'm hopeful we'll come out of this in a much stronger position than we ever have been, even if she thinks we're not together right now but I'm really the only person who's going to support her like I do.

I sent her a very nice message when I got back to my parents yesterday night and I think she took quite well to it. Although she hasn't replied to me today. (I dislike being ignored when I know she's seen my message, but I have to just give her her space.)