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Hi all,
I have a daughter of 6 months and a partner of 2 years but we are currently going through a very rough patch at the moment and I just need other people's advice.
My partner has PND and it's been getting worse for the last month now, I and her mother have suggested to her for professional help but she says that it's not what's needed. She had kept on saying to me that she wanted her space (I'm at work from 7:30-5:30 most days) so I couldn't understand the logic of me being away from her. However, I decided that I would do as she asked and go and stay at my parents for a while. I've now been there almost 3 weeks and only seeing my daughter two times a week.
My partner is very possessive of our daughter, I've only taken my daughter out once by myself because my partner would cause a massive arguement if I was to even say anything along the subject. I took my daughter out at the beginning of this month and we went to my daughters grandparents house (my side of the family). I did not tell my partner that I had taken our daughter to her grandparents until later that evening (my partner was at a Beyonce concert at the O2 - courtesy of myself). The reason I did not tell her was because if I did she would have snapped and done everything in her power to make sure I didn't go. When she got back I told her and she stormed out the house and didn't get back home until 3am.
Now at my grandparents, my daughter was an absolute diamond, she had a bottle, some dinner, some play a nap and then we went back home. It was the first time I felt like I had any real confidence with her.
The next day we argued, putting each other's point across, I told my partner that admittedly it was wrong not to tell her but my counter argument to myself was that if I did I wouldn't of been "allowed" to. She went on about I'll never understand what it's like to be a mother and that she doesn't like going anywhere without her (yet she'll gladly give our daughter to her mother for the night while she goes out with the girls). I told her I just felt like I was being quarantined with my daughter and that no matter what I did I would still be in the wrong.
That afternoon is when I took some of my gear and went to my parents.
I've spoken to her parents a lot who are supporting me aswell as her and they know that I'm a good person and I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt her. She's pretty much just in this bubble with our daughter and will not let anyone in including myself. I text her every day to know how my daughter is doing and how she is and I see them at present twice a week.
My parents have now not seen their granddaughter for two weeks now yet her side of the family sees our daughter a few times a week. My parents are starting to get quite upset over this and so am I. I messaged my partner yesterday to say I would like her and our daughter to come over to my parents for dinner but she simply said I'm not wanted there even though my parents have already said she is always welcome here.
This is really just a summary of what's been going on, there is so much more to say but I don't want to bore you too much.
If anyone has any advice with what I should do, I still love my partner so much and I just cannot see us ending and she has not once said we're through, even when I've asked at the height of the moment. There is still so much between us but I don't know whether this is her PND controlling her or what.
Thank you
I would consider going to Relate - you can go on your own, but once you've spoken to them a couple of times, you could ask your partner if she'd come with you.
[censored] this is a carbon copy of what i went through in 2007/2008......my little one was born Autum 2007.
i eventually gave in and walked out on my ex and child late in 2009 after too many little issues blown out of proportion and too many times defending my parents and my actions over HER unreasonable and irrational behaviour, irrational actions etc...
i tried to find a way of helping my ex but she simply wouldn't compromise with anything.....her way or the high way!!!
i tried everything and eventually resorted to a couple of ultimatums.....i'd leave if she didn't get help....i'd leave her if she didn't let my family see their grandchild........things got better for a few weeks.....then she went back to refusing every offer of help or visits with the grandparents etc...
When i tried suggesting i'd take the little one to the park for an hour or two to give her some "me time" i was always accused of tying to take him away from her all the time....and she didn't need "me time".
I spoke with the health visitor who said it could be PND but as she'd not seen her for some time she could look in to it....the ex had stopped or kept making excuses not to see the health visitor....even though she'd told me she'd seen her and all was fine!
my ex is a total control freak.....(possibly autistic from some of her actions).....after 3yrs of fighting through courts to get her to stick to contact arrangements and extend contact i've no more contact (less in fact) than i had before i took the legal action to get more contact with my little one....i've now got an Enforced Contact Order with warnings and Penalties of Imprisonment if she breaks it again......and i'm still having issues with her trying to change what the courts have set!
but she knows i'll do anything to see and spend quality time with my little one.....she also knows i'm 100% prepared to apply for the committal order should she break this one!!!
AS actd suggests consider Relate, maybe try speaking with her parents or close friend to see if there's anything they can do to help you/her with. but be careful who and how you speak to people about her....she could blow up at you for goijng behind her back.
I hope for yours and your daughters sake that things improve
Good luck.
Thanks for you reply.
I don't think I could ever walk out on my partner as I know this just isn't her right now.
Following on from what I said in my original post about my parents not seeing their grandchild for two weeks. I took my daughter to see them on Monday without my partner. I was texting her saying it would be nice to for them to both come over, but when she refused she suggested that I just pick my daughter up and take her. This felt like such a big step in terms of her overcoming her possessiveness and her ability of not being able to separate herself from our daughter.
However on Tuesday, I tried to suggest an idea that I'd come over to her and cook for the both of us. After waiting all day for a reply, she messaged back saying that she doesn't deserve to have dinner cooked for her and that she doesn't deserve me and I deserve better. This led onto her trying to end our relationship. As I care so much for her, obviously when she told me this I was in pieces.
I spoke to her parents and they told me that she was only saying this because she just feels so pressured when everyone is talking about the situation to her, and that it was a spur of the moment decision. Her mother told me that she doesn't want to put me through this and that's the reason she has said what she said.
After exchanging a few messages, I finished with just saying I'll always be there for her no matter what as her partner, friend and daughter's Daddy. This is how we left the conversation (on a positive for once).
Not much has been said after this, but we were meant to be going to Brighton tomorrow with our little one for our daughter's first little trip to the seaside. This isn't happening now even though it's already pre-paid, I've now lost a chunk of money. She says she feels bad because of it but as I've already said to her it doesn't matter now and it's not an issue. Stuff happens.
It's our anniversary next Tuesday and I'm just hoping that I'll be able to take her to the restaurant I have booked in London and that we can both relax and enjoy each other's company.
I'm looking into booking an appointment with Relate but I want to see how this weekend unfolds. I do feel like the bubble she is in is on the verge of bursting and her having a breakdown, something I do think would actually be a positive because she might then come to terms with what's truly going on and realise help is needed.
I'll keep you informed, thanks for the support
Sounds to me like you're taking a positive approach to the situation and recognising that your partner, as you say, is not herself. And from the recent developments you describe it sounds like this approach is working. Depression can be so destructive as it is often not recognised and those who are depressed do not or are not able to always behave in what seems to the outside world a reasonable manner - all too often loved ones get caught up in reacting negatively themselves and things simply get worse. I think it is really important that if your partner is suffering from PND you remain there for her, as it sounds you are. The bodily, hormonal and psychological changes that women go through during pregnancy and early motherhood in particular are not necessarily things that we men can empathise with, but we can be there to support them at these times. I would just stay there for her no matter what at this time and communicate this calmly, hopefully she will be ready to seek some help soon if the depression continues - but she needs to feel ready to do that. Keep going - I hope things continue to improve.
Sounds to me like you're taking a positive approach to the situation and recognising that your partner, as you say, is not herself. And from the recent developments you describe it sounds like this approach is working. Depression can be so destructive as it is often not recognised and those who are depressed do not or are not able to always behave in what seems to the outside world a reasonable manner - all too often loved ones get caught up in reacting negatively themselves and things simply get worse. I think it is really important that if your partner is suffering from PND you remain there for her, as it sounds you are. The bodily, hormonal and psychological changes that women go through during pregnancy and early motherhood in particular are not necessarily things that we men can empathise with, but we can be there to support them at these times. I would just stay there for her no matter what at this time and communicate this calmly, hopefully she will be ready to seek some help soon if the depression continues - but she needs to feel ready to do that. Keep going - I hope things continue to improve.
Hi Joe, thanks for your response.
I am trying to stay as positive as possible even though it's getting me down, I'm hardly sleeping at night and it's all I think about at work.
The fact that I was able to take my daughter to my parents by myself was a big step I feel, I think it helped her to learn to let go a little.
I feel like she is however still adamant that our relationship is pretty much over. I'm going round to the flat tomorrow and have given her no choice but to let me cook a nice meal for us. I worded it so that she could relax and put her feet up. She told me that by me cooking doesn't mean anything (she's referring to the texts she sent to me "ending" our relationship).
I don't know whether I should refer to "us" in the past tense now if anything comes up tomorrow to maybe give her a little shock to the system because it's nothing I would usually do.
As much as I want to stay positive, it is killing me inside that I'm not around my partner and my daughter everyday. I miss coming home from work and seeing my 6 month old smile her little face off when I come into view and also just giving my partner a simple "Hello, I'm home" kiss.
I have a week off next week so hopefully I can be around her and support her more (if she let's me). She doesn't understand why I would want to see her as well as our daughter.
How long can PND last if untreated? (She is already on medication)
In my understanding - which is not as a trained clinician - there is not a fixed set of times that PND lasts. I would think it varies depending on the individual and a lot of other things. If I was in your situation I would definitely go to speak to a counsellor about it, as actd has suggested - even if it is only you to start with - there is nothing to be lost from doing this I would not think and it demonstrates how much you care.
If your partner is on medication does she have a Dr who she usually sees? Often the GP may be able to advise on other possible options, including counselling.
It must be so difficult at the moment but try to keep being positive and supporting your partner all you can, as well as giving her enough space when she asks for it. It sounds positive that you have a strong relationship with her parents too - can you talk as openly about it all to them as you do on here?
I suppose that makes a lot of sense. Looking back at my question, it was quite naive of me to think theres a a time limit.
I think I'm going to try and book a counsellor this week and just speak to out with them. I don't think my partner would see it as a problem, I do believe she would see it as me really caring! Something I still think she doesn't quite understand yet.
My partner is on medication but I don't believe she see's her doctor very often. I may bring this up with her mother as I know my partner wouldn't accept me saying this to her.
I talk to her parents about everything I have posted on here, they are supportive and do often tell me to stick with it.
I went over to the flat today to see my partner and daughter after work. This evening really felt like I was starting to get somewhere as if she started believing some of the things that were coming out of my mouth. Again, taking the positive approach, I didn't speak about it around our 6 month old (not that she is aware of what's going on) but I thought I would just talk about our day etc. I actually managed to put a smile on my partner's face by telling her about something funny I saw on the way to the flat.
I brought round ingredients to cook us dinner, which was nice that I could cook for us. I was also able to do my daughter's bottles for the morning while I was there, something that I actually really miss doing. This allowed my partner to have a sit down and relax a little.
After we got talking, I told her it would be nice to see her Tuesday (our anniversary), she said it won't be the same, I simply replied that it would be nice to see her. She went on the lines of that she doesn't deserve me again, I told her she does and kept on saying no matter what I'm always going to be here for you, I was holding her hand at this point, the look in her eye told me she was starting to understand that. I told her what I had planned for our anniversary before all this happened. I said would she think about it, just get dressed up and have a good night out at the restaurant. We had a little cuddle at one point with me telling her again that I'm here for her.
As I left, we had another cuddle, I just felt so positive after leaving like I had actually accomplished something there. The fact that we didn't argue and both spoke in a calm manner was great. We actually had some normal conversation again. I feel like after our anniversary on Tuesday, she might realise or have a breakdown as to what's going on, something I've said I think she needs. I'm speaking very optimistically about all this, but I think it's best to, it helps me keep my sanity.
You sound like such a caring and loving partner... I just wanted to tell you to keep doing what you're doing, she seems to be responding to your patient understanding. I wish you all the strength and hope for a happy and fulfilled future together. π
You have had some great advice on here and you sound a really caring person, very thoughtful. I strongly recommend you seeking counselling yourself, not because you are doing anything wrong, but to help you along the way and your last evening together sounds really good and I believe you played it just right....but I may suggest don't push the cuddling too far, not at this stage, you sound as though you are in early stages of repairing what is happening, and as for the PND, while I don't know anyone who had it, I do believe it just takes time and of course getting the medication level right which is trial and error. PND as a condition to someone who has it can be evil. You sound a good guy and good luck π
You sound like such a caring and loving partner... I just wanted to tell you to keep doing what you're doing, she seems to be responding to your patient understanding. I wish you all the strength and hope for a happy and fulfilled future together. π
Thank you π
You have had some great advice on here and you sound a really caring person, very thoughtful. I strongly recommend you seeking counselling yourself, not because you are doing anything wrong, but to help you along the way and your last evening together sounds really good and I believe you played it just right....but I may suggest don't push the cuddling too far, not at this stage, you sound as though you are in early stages of repairing what is happening, and as for the PND, while I don't know anyone who had it, I do believe it just takes time and of course getting the medication level right which is trial and error. PND as a condition to someone who has it can be evil. You sound a good guy and good luck π
The advice on here has been fantastic, it's made me feel very supported.
I'm going to ring my local Relate to try and book a counselling session for myself after the weekend. I agree with the cuddling aspect, it was more of just a hug goodbye, I prefer to use the word cuddling. π
We are in the early stages still but I'm hopeful we'll come out of this in a much stronger position than we ever have been, even if she thinks we're not together right now but I'm really the only person who's going to support her like I do.
I sent her a very nice message when I got back to my parents yesterday night and I think she took quite well to it. Although she hasn't replied to me today. (I dislike being ignored when I know she's seen my message, but I have to just give her her space.)
That was good to read that you are being so considerate and still taking the positive approach. I hope all is still moving forwards. You are most likely right it will take some time but if you're patient and caring like you have been i hope things continue improving. Good luck!
Right,
I went over to see my partner yesterday (it was our anniversary), we had lunch, played with our daughter and actually chatted like two normal people, had a bit of a laugh too. This felt so great, felt great to be close to her again in some sense.
I brought round a gift for her, it was a photo album of our little family with some nice words, I also wrote her a letter again with a lot of meaningful words on.
I got back to my parents and no sooner had I got through the door, she text me saying"Why do this to me?". She was clearly talking about the letter and photo album. We got into texting quite a bit and it went along the lines of her saying she's so messed up and that she doesn't deserve me again, I deserve better, I took on too much when I met her, she's ruined everything etc.
I kept on saying to her that I'll always be there for her and always love her and she does deserve me.
I felt I handled her little outbreak quite well, just trying to be positive with my responses as seen above and the conversation did fizzle out in the end. However, she also did she that she wants to die and wishes she'd of killed herself when she wanted to. In my head I know she would never but it does ring alarm bells for me, it's worrying that she has those thoughts in her head and is the only one in the flat looking after our daughter. What would your advice be on that? Should I do anything about this? Should I raise this concern with her mother?
We met again today for lunch too which was nice and again the conversation was flowing as usual, smiling at each other too. It just feels as soon as we get back to the flat and we are about to part ways the mood changes. Again as I left, I told her I'll always be there for her, we hugged goodbye and I told her I loved her.
I feel like after yesterday and today the bubble I feel she's in was close to bursting and her realising herself that she needs help. Do I keep up this strategy in the hope that the bubble bursts itself or do I get her to see someone asap?
did you go to see Relate? I think that would be a great help at this stage.
One thing I'd possible avoid is texting - it can be quite impersonal compared to a phone call if someone is looking for support. Of course, unprompted texts just to say you are thinking of her are a different matter - that can always bring on a smile π
I haven't been yet but I have an appointment booked.
I think in the height of the moment yesterday she wouldn't have answered a call. She's not answered before.
Anyway, it's positive right now which I'm happy about. I'm hoping she'll agree to watching a film together tomorrow after LO has gone to bed.
We'll see and I'll let you know whenever there's anymore progress. π
Having my daughter for the day π
Did ask if my partner wanted to join but she ignored it.
We spoke more yesterday, both of us went out shopping separately and just had good general chit chat via text.
I think the more general chat that we have the better, just shows that we can talk to each other and that we both do like to also.
Going to Relate next Friday.
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