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My daughter's mum has custody of our daughter. She abused me badly during our relationship, and the verbal abuse still comes flying at me. Counsellors who I have worked with to recover from the abuse have quite seriously suggested that she could be a narcissist or a psychopath, or a combination of both. Myself, my solicitor, my family, and friends, all know that there's something quite serious going on mentally for her. She has a history of depression and self harm. Her medical notes were never received by the court from her GP, who is a friend of her family, which is very convenient and caused a lot of suspicion with my family and my solicitor. But we couldn't do anything about that because it would have cost more money, and even if we did prove anything, Cafcass may well have turned around and said it doesn't alter anything anyway, as was their attitude with the case generally. And we can't do anything like get her personality tested, unless she does something seriously wrong AND someone witnesses it.
My ex's partner has also been verbally abusive to me. I had to call the police on him once. I've never been anything but nice to him. I smile and I'm polite and amiable every time I see him. Lately, his general demeanour around me has been getting more and more ignorant and nasty. I realise that my ex has fed him a load of rubbish about me, just as she has with everyone, and that is influencing his behaviour towards me, but he's now really starting to annoy me. He won't look at me, and when he does, it's only to scold me. I'm afraid my daughter will pick up on it, and although that might be good for me as she may see how rude he is to me and that I don't do anything at all to warrant it, I would rather she didn't witness any conflict at all. As we all would for our kids. He is also starting to disrupt my court-ordered contact with my daughter. A couple of times in the last few weeks my contact has been prevented because he's decided to take my daughter out himself instead. I then met my ex and him at my daughter's school for her first day yesterday, and they (him as much as her) would only let me walk my daughter as far as the school gates, whilst they went inside with her. My daughter protested and they said there would be too many people. I quite lightheartedly said 'I'm sure it will be fine' but they started getting aggressive in their tone, so I had to concede, as there were a lot of people around, and with two against one, I was afraid that to anyone else it could look like I was the one causing the problems, which I didn't want. As it often does when you're a separated dad, unfortunately. I just don't know why he seems to think he's more important than me in terms of fathering my daughter. He is literally acting like he's her father by blood, and quite frankly, I've had enough of it.
Anyway, I found out recently that he has borderline personality disorder, which goes some way to explaining his behaviour. I did some research and some of the symptoms of BPD were very concerning considering he lives with my daughter. With my ex, I've been looking more and more into narcissism and psychopathy, both with counsellors and independently. She ticks all the boxes, and it helps me understand why she acts the way she does and not take it so personally when she 'attacks' me. Recently, in my research I came across something called Histrionic Personality Disorder, of which she ticks all the boxes again. I could go into pages and pages of detail of how she ticks the boxes but I don't think you want to read all that. If you're interested you can find the info quickly via a Google search, and the same with BPD, narcissism and psychopathy.
These new revelations are all rattling around my head and I'm not sure what to do with them. I suffer from depression and anxiety myself, as well as PTSD as a result of that relationship, so I have a lot of compassion, understanding, and support for others who suffer from mental health problems, I really do, but I can't help but worry about the welfare of my daughter with these two people.
UPDATE: I've now found out that both my ex and her partner BOTH have borderline personality disorder.
Unless cafcass or children's services consider there to be a danger, I'm not sure whether there is a lot you can do, but worth asking them anyway.
I phoned Cafcass, and we're no longer on their system, so they told me to phone social services, who logged my concern but weren't interested in chasing it up, unless an outside agency contacts them with concern . I told them everything, and for me, doing the research I have done on the condition, it is very worrying. They're not even interested in ensuring my ex and her partner are getting the correct treatment, medication, or managing the condition. Which from being with her for 2 and a half years, and knowing him for a couple of years, they're not managing it, as evident in their irrational rage that I've experienced. My ex hid the condition from me for two years (I say hid, as the relationship wore, I knew something was up, but she wasn't taking any medication or seeing a doctor in that time, to my knowledge). Social services are going based on the fact that health visitors and teachers haven't flagged anything up. But BPD sufferers are compulsive liars, their lives are a charade, and they are extremely well trained at putting on a show and making everything seem fine, even as far as making sure no one who knows their bad behaviour snitches on them. I know there isn't much I can do, but I'm really genuinely worried for my daughter, and very upset that unless they see bruises on my daughter, it's not important. Serious emotional and psychological damage can be done to a child in that environment. Sorry for the rant, and thanks for your help.
No problem with the rant, it's what we're here for. Keep us informed, there may be other suggestions we can come up with.
Thanks. I guess social services have a ranking of importance with these things, and my concern doesn't rank high enough for them to use their time looking into. I was hoping they would at least check that my ex and her partner were getting the right treatment/meds and managing the symptoms well enough. I'm going to speak to my GP and see if I can get any advice from them, even if it's just stuff to look out for, both in them and in my daughter. I've got an appointment with Plymouth Domestic Abuse Service on Friday, so will inform them, and see what they suggest too.
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