[Solved] I need help AND hope!!!

Hi Sean

Welcome to Dadtalk. It sounds as though you are going through a really tough time right now with your ex. Finding out she was pregnant a short time ago must have come as a real bolt out of the blue and for her a bit of a shock too.

Some of how she is behaving you could put down to the hormones that come with pregnancy for sure, but some of her behaviour does seem unreasonable if she isn't prepared to talk to you about what happens when your son is born.

I know you say that this baby is yours because the dates match up, so I am that when she said she hoped it wasn't yours she was just trying to wind you up? Only a DNA test would prove for sure whether you were the father.

You say too that none of what is going on between you would be happening if she'd meet with you because when you are together you get on to well and I wonder therefore what was going so wrong between you that the relationship ended? I am sorry to ask these questions, but do you think there is any hope at all that you and she could work things out at some stage and consider getting back together?

If communication on the phone and via text isn't working I wonder if you would consider writing her a letter explaining how you are feeling about everything. It may be that you are going to have to bide your time and see how things turn out once the baby is born. I know this is hard for you, but if she refuses to see you at all, then you don't really at this stage have many other options.

Perhaps you and she could consider mediation further down the line as a way of trying to reconcile your differences and come to an arrangement whereby you get to see your son.

I hope this helps.

Thanks for replying mate,

She wont talk to me about anything, but when she told me of the pregnancy she did say that i will only be involved if i get my life in order & find a job & new place etc, which really stressed me - not cos of having to work cos ive had loadsa jobs before, but cos of the pressure & demands that she put on me & the idea that she would keep him from me cos of stupid S*** like this was torture - im trying my best to find a job anyway cos i will not be a waste of space dad. She has a full time job.

She said i drink too much & have to cut down (which i did) which was also hypocritical cos she drank a lot herself right up till she discovered she was pregnant, i think we will laugh about this demand one day.

I talked to citizens advice (im from N.Ireland) & they said i should see a solicitor. So i talked to my solicitor & he told me to wait till he is born & see if she lets me see him, & if she is being a [censored] about it & doesnt let me see him then we send her a letter asking her to come to some sort of an arrangement.

It shouldnt come to this, & i hope it doesnt.

Nothing bad happened between us to cause us to break up, she just said we got too serious.

Yes i think she was winding me up about being the father.

I wish the [censored] would communicate with me, im cracking up.

She should come to her senses eventually, & i think she will once we have met & had a serious talk.

I even think now that her finishing with me in the first place was beyond her control, through early hormones of concieving a kid & she didnt even know it.

Hi Sean,

Welcome to DadTalk mate. This sounds rough mate, but from your posts you sound as if you are still upset about the break up of your relationship and the fact that your ex is now pregnant.

My advice would be that these are two different issues. Forget about getting back together, for the meantime, and try to think more about creating a working relationship as parents who are separated. I know this may not be what you really want (I am only surmising this from you posts - I may have got the wrong end of the stick).

It's sounds as if you are both a bit bitter and angry since the break up so mediation would be a great way of the two of you working out how you can move on and how you can support your ex through her pregnancy as a friend and as the father of her child.

Here are contact details for Family Mediation Northern Ireland :
The website is here : http://www.familymediationni.org.uk/
Here is the tel number: 028 9024 3265
or email: enquiry@familymediationni.org.uk

I would talk to the mediation service about how they suggest you approach this (I'm sure they would have seen situations similar to this many times before). But for what it's worth, I would suggest you email your ex or write her a letter explaining that you are serious about being the best dad you possibly can be and that you are only interested in coming to an agreement to how you can support her during the pregnancy and both her and your child after the birth.

I hope this is of some help. Please keep in touch - let us know how this is progressing.

Gooner

Cheers man,

Its not about us getting back together, i just want to be a big part of my sons life, & rightly so cos i am his dad, & i refuse to be pushed aside. If we did happen to get back as a couple, great, but if not, im not fussed, i just care about my lad.

When we finished i was cut up for months about it cos she wanted to still be friends, but i was dying inside, she knew i was heartbroken, but after a few months of torture i said it had been nice knowing her, & started trying to move on. I did this is cos its not possible to be friends with someone you love.

Then two months later she gets in contact to say she is pregnant to me, it would have been perfect if we were a couple, we even talked about having a baby when we were together, actually SHE was the one who first mentioned us having a baby.

Ive been thinking a lot about writing that letter, ive been thinking about it for ages & i likely will do it, her sister works in a shop around here & i could give it to her to pass on, i dont think i should send flowers to her work again, nothing seems to work.

If she hasnt contacted me in some way by next weekend, i will write that letter, ive been patient so far so whats another week, i will just keep busy.

I will share any further developments, thanks.

Its gotten worse.

She is now back with one of her other ex boyfriends. He was always sniffing around & he was always going to be an issue cos no matter what she did or who she was with, he always was trying to control her....he even used to hit her when they were together & not allow her out to see frinds or anything. Its highly likely that he wants to play daddy to MY son.

I sent a letter to her, & one to my unborn son. She never even aknowledged that she recieved them. Then i seen her & this ex together the other night, i approached them in his car & was looking to talk to her, i asked her what was going on, but she told me to f*** off, closed the door & gave me the finger before they drove off.

I then text & told her that it makes sense now why she wont talk to me, that she is obviously back with him & what the arrangements were going to be for me to see my child. She phoned me & told me that she has already said i would see him once a week & that its none of my business who she see's & that her family agrees with it. She also said that the letters i sent were "stalky" & that her family also agreed with this. The letters were not nasty in any way, i simply told her how i felt about the whole thing & that i dont understand how she cannot communicate with me. The letter to my son was actually beautiful.

She told me that she will let me know when he is born & that i wont be at the birth or allowed to visit the hospital.

She really is a horrible person & i hate her.

Hi again

I'm sorry to hear about these latest developments. It's worrying for you that she has a controlling, violent ex back on the scene. Chances are their relationship won't last, especially if he hasn't changed and is still controlling and possessive. This doesn't help you very much though.

I am sorry that the letters haven't gone down well with her or her family. For now at least she isn't stopping you from being able to see your son at all, which happens in so many cases, so there is a glimmer of hope that you may have something to build on. I think you should look into mediation, but this may not be feasible until after the baby is born.

Hi Sean,

Thanks for the update mate.

I feel for you mate, I really do. I can't imagine how I would feel in your situation.

Right the positive from all this sounds like you are going to have access to your child - which is great.

It sounds like you need to give her a bit of space right now. You two are no longer a couple so it should not be a surprise that she may be seeing someone else - that was always on the cards. Don't lose sight of the fact that she is happy for you to have access to your son.

Its highly likely that he wants to play daddy to MY son.

First thing to remember is not to get possessive over your son - many step family relationships work very well and don't preclude the natural father from the relationship, but this is a massive leap - he may not be on the scene when your son is born.

Lets take this a step at a time.

You need to calm down a bit and try to feel less anger towards her. For the time being, there appears to be no issue with access for the future. Try to forget that she is with someone else - to be honest you have no say in who she has a relationship with. That is not in your control.

Focus on what you are able to control:
Keep looking for a job (You want to be able to support your son), Stay off the drugs and cut down on your drinking. All of these will enable you to be in the best position to give your son the emotional & financial support that he will need when he is born.

Here are a couple of articles on the site worth reading :

Separated but equal
Hating the ex

Both deal with relationship break ups and how what we do can effect our relationship with our child.

I hope some of this is helpful, feel free to come back any time you want to talk things through.
Keep us updated .

Gooner

Hi again

I'm sorry to hear about these latest developments. It's worrying for you that she has a controlling, violent ex back on the scene. Chances are their relationship won't last, especially if he hasn't changed and is still controlling and possessive. This doesn't help you very much though.

Even if their relationship doesnt last, he will still be sniffing around & he will never f*** off. Not to mention the fact that he has had [censored] with her while she is pregnant with my child, makes me sick & VERY VERY angry. It doesnt matter that she can see who she wants & all that, morally it is wrong & he knows what he is doing, im not a violent person, but i feel like i could kill him.

I am sorry that the letters haven't gone down well with her or her family. For now at least she isn't stopping you from being able to see your son at all, which happens in so many cases, so there is a glimmer of hope that you may have something to build on.

I know, but she is being such a [censored] right now that its not likely that she will suddenly be reasonable when the kid arrives. So i should get a court order so when she wants to make up an excuse, she cant. Ive already spoke to my solicitor & he told me to see how the once a week thing goes for a while, then if she cotinues to be unreasonable, we send her a letter. She isnt even gunna bring him to me herself, she is getting her mum to do it, i believe this is cos she cant face me after all that she has done. The most cruel thing of all is that she is denying me the chance to feel my own baby kicking, ive told her this, & i'll never get over it.

Im prepared for worse to come unfortunately.

Hi Sean,

Thanks for the update mate.

I feel for you mate, I really do. I can't imagine how I would feel in your situation.

Right the positive from all this sounds like you are going to have access to your child - which is great.

It sounds like that, but whats stopping her from changing her mind suddenly if i dont have something legal sorted out?

My solicitor told me to wait & see if she holds true to her word, but ive been mr.nice guy for too long & its time i stood up to her. I should go for shared custody, even if it means not seeing the child for 4 months.

It sounds like you need to give her a bit of space right now.

She's had nothing BUT space!!

& then i leave my house one evening to discover her sitting 50 yards away in a car with this other guy!! The utter cheek of them!!

You two are no longer a couple so it should not be a surprise that she may be seeing someone else - that was always on the cards.

Its morally wrong though. As a man you cant possibly say you would be ok with this, if you do you are lying.

Don't lose sight of the fact that she is happy for you to have access to your son.

I wouldnt say she is "happy" for me to have access to him....i would say she is "putting up with it"

Its highly likely that he wants to play daddy to MY son.

First thing to remember is not to get possessive over your son - many step family relationships work very well and don't preclude the natural father from the relationship, but this is a massive leap - he may not be on the scene when your son is born.

He will always be an issue. Even when me & this girl were an item he would call her & ask her what she was doing with me "where do you sleep when your at his house" he would threaten me, he would drop her off at my house, he would collect her from my house, he would leave her to work, collect her from work etc etc....like i said he will always be an issue, as well as being a danger to a child.

Lets take this a step at a time.

You need to calm down a bit and try to feel less anger towards her. For the time being, there appears to be no issue with access for the future. Try to forget that she is with someone else - to be honest you have no say in who she has a relationship with. That is not in your control.

I am angry & my anger is not going to go away anytime soon as she continues to punish me. I will never forgive her for any of this.

I will never accept her having [censored] with someone else while pregnant with my child.

Focus on what you are able to control:
Keep looking for a job (You want to be able to support your son), Stay off the drugs and cut down on your drinking. All of these will enable you to be in the best position to give your son the emotional & financial support that he will need when he is born.

Ive been doing this but ive lost focus due to the latest developments of the control freak ex being back on the scene.

Here are a couple of articles on the site worth reading :

Separated but equal
Hating the ex

Both deal with relationship break ups and how what we do can effect our relationship with our child.

I hope some of this is helpful, feel free to come back any time you want to talk things through.
Keep us updated .

Gooner

I read the articles & the one about "seperated but equal" i see happening, i want her to hurt, i want some revenge on her, she really does deserve to suffer some consequences of her actions, & although i know not everyone would agree, you do not realise how bad she is treating me.

The best revenge you are going to get is to show her that you can be happy without her, and the sooner you can genuinely do this, the better it will be for you also.

I dont know. I asked her what i have done that is so wrong to deserve all this, & she just went crazy again saying i wasnt acting normal.....i have been so patient & all i did was send her flowers to work, send a letter to her & my son, & she is accusing me of being a skitso freak.

Im at breaking point. If this other guy see's my child into the world i dunno what i'll do. She may even name my child after him to spite me.

I told her the other day in a text that she is seriously hurting me & i got no reply, exept to see her that night walking near my house with another girl, & then 30 seconds later her other ex bf drives in & starts circling around taunting me.

I hate to admit it but she has seriously weakened me physically & mentally with all this.

Hi,

At the moment, you are grieving and angry - the first is not unusual at the end of a relationship, but the anger could get you into serious trouble if you let it get the better of you, and it will seriously affect the relationship you have with your child, and possibly prevent you having a relationship at all if unchecked.

I know this sounds like bit too simple, but you do need to find a harmless way to vent your anger and move on with your life - it could be joining a group so you can talk to others who have been through a similar situation, or getting a hobby to give you an outlet (boxing perhaps?)
At the top of this website, there's a tab for 'Directory of Services' - it may be worth having a look through these to see if there's anything you think can help.

My kid was born on friday 🙂

I was meant to see him yesterday, but she said he was up all night & i could'nt see him & that i'll see him some day this week.

On friday, she text me 10 hours after he was born, & during that time his pic was all over facebook so everyone seen him before his daddy did, & i was obviously last to know....there is nothing i can do about it, so no point letting this annoy me.

I text her this morning & said i was coming to her house to see him cos he is 4 days old & needs to meet his daddy. She phoned straight away & said that i wasn't welcome at her house & that she told me this before. I told her im not coming to see her or her mum or anyone else, but that i was coming to see my son. She told me i would see him some day this week, i asked her what day & she said she didn't know.

I re-activated my facebook last night & put it as my status cos he is here now & she can no longer control my actions (oh, she told me on friday she would "prefer if i didn't" put it on facebook) [censored] her, he is my child, & i will tell who i like.

She also didn't mind telling me this morning that i was "just a sperm donor" & this is from a girl i loved more than anything.....so i know first hand that those you love will hurt you the most.

Apparantly she isnt back with that other guy & that he's just a friend...i couldn't give a [censored] anyway...i dont want her after everything she has put me through.

If i dont see him this week & she makes more excuses, im going through court.

I've had my hands tied for too long now & im sick of her [censored].

Hi Sean

Keep a diary of every conversation you have, and keep every text (or transcribe it, along with time and date). If you are going to court, you are going to have to be careful what you say, so don't under any circumstances, say anything on facebook, text, phone or any other way that you wouldn't be happy coming out in court. The more rational you are, and the more unreasonable your ex seems, the easier it's going to be for you in court. Your ex almost certainly knows what buttons to push to get you angry - take a step back and consider what's important and don't let her get to you.