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recently me and my partner had a baby boy, he is now 5months old. I cant seem to bond with him at all really, he smiles for me when i talk funny, but he never really does any proper giggles for me like he does his mum, he hardly ever lets me give him his bottle atleast without putting up a huge fight first, and i find myself losing my temper really easily since he been born.
I dont know if its because of the fact my partner wanted a baby and i didnt due to lack of a job, too many debts and not enough money, and our relationship having problems aswell as a bunch of issues i needed to get over due to my dad trying to worm his way back into my life after what he put me through as a child, and she enver went back on the pill despite knowing this or what, but i find myself sometimes looking at him and thinking "im really not ready for this, i did say i didnt want this for atleast a couple of years".
I know the usual take breaths, put him down, pass him over steps when youre struggling but it doesnt help much at all, there again saying that, neither does my partner, i got up with him this morning, tried for about 10-15 minutes to feed his bottle, and he just wouldnt take it, i then asked her to get him to take it then pass him back to me, she shouted turned over, pulled the covers over and said"i need to get some sleep".
now she has had to go out, im at home with little man,and cant get him to settle what so ever, any advice how i can perhaps try cope easier, maybe also how to get my partner to actually listen to what im telling her, because she keeps telling me i need to do this and do that, or stop doing this or that, but she never seems to take on board what i try and tell her.
i seriously dont know where the issue lies here to be honest, is it me, is it him, is it her, is it both or all of us, is it down to my past with my dad, sometimes i feel like im losing the plot completely,because ill try stay calm, and feed him, walk around with him, pat him, rock him, and sometimes after a while it will start to get to me and i just cant cope at all, and other times, i try o get past it but then still manage to end up with the misses having ago for apparently not trying. Am i just a useless dad? am i not supposed to be a father? or do i just need my partner to actually try and help me through it rather than me trying to helpher through things even though she is coping alot better than i am.
I love him to bits, but just cant seem to be a dad to him at all, so any advice i would be very greatful for, thankyou.
Hi and welcome to the forum
I will ask someone from Relate to pop on and give some advice, so keep checking back here.
Hello Lee
Thank you for your post. Having read what you have written, I get a sense that you are feeling quite confused, frustrated and unsure of what to do for the best in this situation.
Congratulations on becoming a dad, I do want to reassure you that how you are feeling at present is quite normal. You definitely are not alone in feeling this way. One minute it is you and your girlfriend the next minute there is a baby that has turned your world upside down, you might think you are going mad and that life will never be the same again, but it will.
You talk about feeding time with your son as a “huge fight”. Baby’s are very good at sensing how those around them are feeling. If you are feeling tense when you are trying to give him his bottle he will sense this and may not want to co-operate. Talking to him gently whilst feeding him can be calming, the sound of your voice will be reassuring can help bonding. Once you are feeling more relaxed then he will feel relaxed too and feeding time should not be so much of a battle.
Have a look at some of the tips on Dadinfo you may find these useful – http://www.dad.info/fatherhood/being-dad/becoming-a-dad-life-changing. There are also some good books available too that you might like to read “What Every Parent Needs to Know” Margot Sunderland http://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Every-Parent-Needs-Know/dp/145320362 and “Detoxing Childhood” http://www.amazon.co.uk/Detoxing-Childhood-Successful-Children/dp/0752883704. Also have a look at http://www.relatefor parents.org.uk for additional parenting advice.
Becoming new parents can be very tiring and from your post, it sounds like both of you are feeling quite tense, this often happens with a new baby in the house. It is important that you can talk together about how you are both feeling and ways that you can support each other. It might be helpful to think about the tasks that need to be done in the home and for your son and together decide how you could share these, this may then give you both a chance to play together with your son, which is important for bonding and some time together as a couple. Another good book to consider that might help you both is Babyshock, ( http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0091856590?ie=UTF8&tag=relate&linkCode=as2&creative=6738&creativeASIN=0091856590) this looks at how a baby changes your relationship and how you all, including your son, can have a better relationship and become the family you both want.
You also mentioned in your post that you were having some relationship problems prior to the birth of your son. In these situations it is important that you are both able to share your thoughts and feelings and understand why you are both feeling the way that you are and try to find some resolution to these. Relate can support you individually in exploring your feelings about your situation and past problems with your father (sometimes past issues can have a significant impact on our future relationships so might be helpful to explore) but they can also support you as a couple to help you talk through your problems their number is 0300 100 1234 to organise an appointment, or visit them at http://www.relate.org.uk.
I hope this information is helpful. Take care.
Joanne
Relate
thankyou joanne, has helped me to confirm a few things in my mind, feeding with him wasnt down me being tense i dont think because i would always be calm and talk to him softly or more playfully depending on how his mood was, i could hold him and he be smiling then as soon as the bottle touched his mouth he would just go off on one big time, then his mum try and takes it right away.
past few days he has been brilliant for me, not had any trouble with feeding at all for the past 3-4 days.
one big problem me and my partner have is communication, ive never really had somebody to talk to through out my life so have made a habit of coping/dealing with my problems on my own, and even now have a bad habit of doing it still, i think my partner is a little bit the same aswell. we do have odd moments but i have to admit we could do it more.
thankyou again, i really appreciate it
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