[Solved] HELP: destressed partner of a good father

....... i have contacted a local solicitor but they say that court can be a very lengthy and very expensive process, she said that he would be granted an access order but it would still be easy for his ex to just 'be out' when he goes to collect the children, and this would result on him taking her back to court, which would cost yet more money. As i said he is already giving her alot of money a week for the children, and as we have our own little one on the way we cant really afford to keep taking her back to court just because she is being a cow, yesterday he said to me that he feels guilty for loving our baby, because he cant see his other children, and is therefore unable to love all his babys the same and this makes him feel very guilty, i keep trying to explaine to him that its not his fault that his ex is an evil vindictive cow, but he just feels like he has let them down and doesnt know what to do, and i dont know what to do, he is such a brilliant father. i currently cant stop crying lol, if anyone can help plz post thanks xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Daddy 24

You situation sounds really tough. Couple of questions for clarity - Was your partners married to his x and is his name on the childrens birth certificates? How was the £150 a week decided, is it simply an arrangement between themselves?

We have a Legal Expert (the childrens legal centre) and i will ask them to read your thread and make some suggestions as to how you guys should proceed. I have the feeling that the courts are his best route which will cost. But lets see what they say.

In regards to your comments about his emotional state, if he is talking about suicide and seems really depressed you should encourage him to see his doctor or call them yourself and get some advice. Do come back if you would like to know about any agencies that can support you in this area specifically.

If we can be as bold as to leave you with one last thought at this point.... try as much as possible, for the benifit of the kids, to keep a more positive perspective in regards to the x. Even though she is being difficult and you are finding her vindictive if you continue down that road both you and your partner will find it really hard to have any sort of one going realtionship with her in the future and like it or not you will have to have an on going relationship with her because of the children. I know its easy for me to say it but the children will love their mum and dad equally and need to see your partners, their dad, respect their mum, despite mum and dads painful differances. They will grow up to value their dad so much for that, and where possible as his partner if you can support him in that it will help him loads. Call her all the names under the sun in private if that helps as its important to express your feelings of anger and frustration. I hope you can see where i'm coming from on this one.

In regards to the new baby (congratualtions, when is it due?) keep doing what your doing by telling him that he will be a great dad and that there are men all round the country who are GREAT non residential dads to their kids. You guys are currenlty going through the hard bit, it will get better over time. Get him to com eont he site himslef ad talk to the dads here who have been where he is.

DO let us know how things go.... all the best...

thanks very much for a reply i wasnt expecting one. He has agreed to pay £150 through the c.s.a because he doesnt trust her enough to pay it directly, as he has done this before and she has gone running to the c.s.a before saying that he hasnt paid when he had been giving her a substantial amout of money, and also buying the children clothes every month. He has never said a bad thing about their mother infront of the children and sometimes i dont know how he bites his tongue with some of the things that they come out with, he always encourages them to be good for their mum, the angryness is coming from me im affraid, he is just so depressed about the situation that i think hes gone past the point of feeling angry towards her. There was one occasion when i sad hello to his children in the street, and their mother turned round and said to her children 'ignor that f*c*ing b*tch, and as for your dad he needs to be strung up by the neck and shot in the head' now what kind of mother says this to her children?? he was not married to her thank the lord, but there are 4 children involved and two of them were born before 2003 so his name is on all the birth certificates, but he only has parental responciability for 2 of the children or so we have been told, thanks once again xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you for contacting the Childrens Legal Centre via Dad Talk. We are sorry to hear about the problems you are encountering. There is no legal basis for Mum to stop the contact. The fact that Dad cant have the children overnight is not a bar to contact. Mums should encourage contact for their children with their Dad. If this matter were to go to court, the court are likley to award contact as there is a strong presumption that contact with both parents is good for the children and there is no good reason for it not to happen.
Court should be used as a last resort. If it is possible, try to use Family Mediation. Contact the Family Mediation Helpline on 0845 60 26 627 for more details.
If this is impossible and Dad cant afford a solicitor it is possible that he could apply to court and represent himself in a contact application. This would cost 175 pounds for court fees.
The forms you need is C100 along with guidance leaflets, CB1,3 + 5. These are are available from www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk under Forms and guidance and Children Act worktype. The application needs to be made in the family proceedings court(Magistrates) in the area where the children live.
Inform the court if he represents himself so they can help with procedural questions.
Look at information on Litigants In Person on www.elc.org.uk
It is possible to use a Mczenzie Friend who can take notes and prompt, but you need the consent of the court first.
This will take time, but if nothing is done the situation may not change and it is better to take action sooner rather than later, as the longer there is no contact, the more the children will get used to this.
We hope that you find this information useful. If you wish to ask anymore question you can contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0845 120 2948.
Kind Regards
Child Law Advisor
On behalf of the Childrens Legal Centre