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Hi all,
Just found this site as feeling really down and wondering is there a point when you start to at least come to terms with having much less time with your child then you are used to?
Potted history..... Married, had child, moved to isolated part of the UK to be 'closer her parents'. Given our isolation I had to work the bulk of my time from a home office so spent the first 5 year's of my child's life at home the bulk of the time. Then fun started, I was completely marginalised to the point the wife would only talk to her mother, would not even come out with me for a drink / dinner and would only socialise if her family were in some way involved. To top it off, my own mum passed away in this period and my wife initially complained that the funeral arrangements were inconvenient. No one, other than her, from her family attended the funeral.
I moved away to work about 18 months ago as she complained that we were too underfoot, initially going back home every weekend until we decided (quite amicably - I think) that separation / divorce was the route to take. I could not bring myself to instigate but she is very slowly going through the process - I am still paying full mortgage and costs.
Anyway the upshot is that I only see the little one every other weekend, I am planning to move closer but this is impossible whilst I still have the burden of paying every penny of the wife's costs. When I get closer I hope to be able to have the little one at least once a week but the 2 week thing is killing me even though I cat to her twice daily and Skype 2 or 3 times a week.
The situation in my head is even more confused as the wife has recently inferred she is willing for me to go back but she will not compromise on a single one of my issues OR go to marriage counselling. Thus making me feel even worse making me feel it is all my fault.
My daughter thinks it is normal for Dad to work away, she is 7 and a very happy child and does not seem to be showing any adverse effects to the current state of affairs, she has never heard us argue but on the flip side I cannot ever recall her seeing any affection between us either.
Does it get easier, for all I said about the wife she does purport that she wants me to play a large part in my child's wife but I am just so worried that she will grow up resenting me and should I go back to what would be an easy if completely loveless marriage for the sake of the child? I wake up every morning and go to sleep every night thinking about it, combining that with how much I miss the little one is pulling me apart.
I don't expect any answers, I think I just need a rant, somewhere. Mind you if anyone here has been in similar then advice is welcome. I never once envisaged being in this situ and I love child more than anything else on this planet. To think I am harming her chances in any way hurts and from a selfish point of view not being there to guide her hurts even more.
Cheers
Hi JoePat
Things like this are always awful to cope with. You should read my post on this site too.
Everyone needs a rant so don't worry about that, it's a good place to sound off but also to get advice or someone to just listen to you and understand what you are currently going through.
I have been through a lot over the last 3 years, whatever you decide to do you need to do it for you!
It is a difficult decision to make though with so many routes you can take.... you could move back and go with what you wife suggests, but my opinion is that you are currently apart for a reason and that reason is unlikely to go away, especially when she is making the rules with no compromise. Without trying to make a judgement about what your wife is actually like, she sounds like she is controlling you or at least wants to control your life. Is that any way for a relationship to be? Think of it this way... you sound like a reasonable person, so would you be this way with her? I suspect the answer will be no!.... Then ask yourself WHY would you not be with her this way....
It is no way to live. It won't be an easy time for you is you decide to divorce, these things never are, but you live only once and you have to be a little selfish sometimes for the sake of your own health and sanity. I reckon that if you went back to her that it would only be delaying the inevitable.
It sounds to me like you will never have any problems seeing your daughter so you will always be a part of her life just like you are now. Kids are resilient and bounce back, yes she will be upset if you divorced, I remember that look on my kids faces when it happened to me, but after a few short weeks they were right as rain again.
The alternative is that you go for it and move back, but are you doing it for the wrong reasons?? There is no guarantee your wife will not do the same again in 6 months, a year, 2 years time. Then there's always all the financial side to consider, selling the house potentially although I think she can ask to live in the house or get a court order to do so if her and your daughter will be staying there (up unitil she is grown up) before the house can be sold. I think maintenance payments are about 15% of your monthly pay plus you might have to pay half the mortgage and find somewhere for you to live and all the costs that go with that..... All these things need considering too.
I don't think it is right for a couple to stay together for the sake of the kids, but on the other hand if you are not fighting or arguing and can live with that, then it may also be worth considering.... Everyone's situation differs and it is also what you need to consider in whether you would be happy living this way..... Maybe if you did go back things may work themselves out and you may find that love in the relationship again, only you can say as you are the one n the relationship.
So realistically, you have to make that decision I'm afraid. Hopefully I have helped a bit in bringing a bit of clarity with the main options to you. Good luck with whatever you decide, I hope you make the right decision.
Also, if you are feeling down about things and it is affecting you, don't bottle it up, spill it out on here and maybe considering a trip to the doctors for help. I had to go onto antidepressants for a while because things got that bad for me but what you need to remember is that there is always help out there and always help with closer family members or friends. Talk to them too, it eases the strain just talking about things and getting someone else's perspective on it all. We all need someone to turn to when we feel in crisis, it is just a point of building the courage to do it, but you have jumped the first hurdle in coming on here and letting some of it out.
Hi JoePat and welcome.
I think ChrissedOff has given excellent advice, and you are more than welcome to let off steam on here.
I wouldn't go back for the sake of a child if it's not going to work - the resentment will grow and you will be in a much worse position than you are now I'm afraid. It's far better to sort things out while there's still a chance that it can remain amicable.
I'd go and get a consultation (you may get a free initial 30 minutes) with a divorce lawyer if you don't already have one.
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