[Solved] Court proccess from experience

Hi there,

I mentioned to someone who was looking for research that I had this written out and I have recieved 2 messages asking for me to share. so here it is.

I warn you it's a long read.

Court process start to finish

I left my ex wife in 2009 after our relationship had fallen apart, there were no issues other than it was a loveless marriage and we were just living in the same house, when I first left things started out being friendly and we were on speaking terms and I would go to the house and see my son and look after him while she was out, when my ex realised I wasn’t going back it all changed and she started making things difficult and would chop and change from one decision to the next, we made an agreement over finances and then an hour later I had messages demanding more and she wouldn’t back down. I went through some quite dark times and I found help in a lady that was in the same situation (minus children) she was breaking up with her husband and we sort of fell together, this was probably a bad move as it made this worse with my ex and things between me and the new lady didn’t really last think it was just a rebound thing more than anything else.

I spent a while single and just seeing my son as much as I could, I’d leave for work 2-3 hours early so I could take him to school and would then end up killing time before or starting work early or going to the gym, then my ex stopped me taking him to school, saying it wasn’t good for him to have such short contact time, I was also seeing him after school 2 days a week and having him on my days off at the weekends where I could so it wasn’t just this contact I was having.

My life continued like this for a while and we attended mediation to try and set up fixed contact time and resolve finances, this really ended in me having to back down and accept what I was given as she wouldn’t give an inch if she didn’t want to and the mediator seemed to just sit and listen rather than facilitate and negotiations, after losing faith in this process I stopped it and went it alone. This meant I was paying half the mortgage, as well as child maintenance to my ex, and living in my parent’s spare room.

I met someone new and started a relationship after a period of time I introduced my son to her and her children, my ex reacted and tightened the information she wanted from me before I could take my son out anywhere, she wanted to know where we would go, what we would do, who we would see, and what he would eat. This placed a great deal of strain on the relationship and the end result was that it ended as my new partner couldn’t handle the extra stress and troubles it caused.

I made the decision to refuse to give any information from that point and call her bluff, My son’s mother stopped access and ensured she wasn’t at home at the time I was supposed to collect him, I sought advice from my solicitor and was advised that although a court order would be able to be placed it wouldn’t change the attitude of my ex wife, it was implied that it would be a waste of time and money to go down this route as it wouldn’t gain anything. At this point I was still in a legal battle over finances that were tied up in the house that we had shared, hence why I had a solicitor at hand. My solicitor wrote to my ex’s solicitor stating that contact had to resume but the reply came that I only would if I resumed to give detail of as before of what we be doing. I backed down so I could see my son again and continued to give this info.

After about 12 months I had met someone new who had a son the same age as my son, things were great and they both met my son, the 2 boys had a settling in process and didn’t really hit it off to begin with but after a few meets soon found their feet and now get on really well. Again though my ex’s demands started to get in the way of what we did, I tried to give as little detail as possible and I would get challenged on this, eventually I sought advice from an on line solicitor through a well known dad campaign group, I asked what my ex could and couldn’t do in regards to my time with my son, after about a week I got a reply stating that she had no right to ask this information of me and that as I was his father I had equal rights to spend time with him without restrictions. I was advised to right a letter to my ex stating I was no longer prepared to give this detail and that if this resulted in my contact being stopped I would take the matter to the family courts. I was advised by this solicitor that although he or any of his colleagues (within his practice or not) would be able to assist and attend and act for me that actually it is normally better to self represent in cases like mine as the judge will get to see emotions and hear first hand from me how I feel instead of hearing it through a solicitor where emotion and feelings will be lost.

I wrote the letter and sent it recorder delivery so I could ensure it had been received, and within a few days got an emailed reply stating that she wasn’t intimidated by this letter and had no intention of changing the way things were, and that if I wanted to continue to see my son that I would have to give this detail, she told me she had also sought legal advice and was within her rights to ask and get this (as she put it) “basic information” after this email a few more were passed back and forth and we agreed to try and discuss things through a Skype conversation, in this conversation I offered to tell her if I travelled more than an hour’s drive with my son to try and compromise, she declined and said If I left Bristol I had to tell her, the whole chat was a waste of time as she was not prepared to compromise in any way as even if I agreed to tell her if we left Bristol she still wanted to know what we would do whilst in Bristol. I left the end of the chat by saying I would send the papers off to the court and she would hear from them soon.

I had already looked online and downloaded the forms needed, so the next day I filled them out and sent them as instructed to the court, I was surprised at how quickly I had a reply, They sent me the forms back that I had to serve to my ex, I was going to hand deliver them but then noted that as long as I could prove that I had sent them in the post then that was sufficient, I posted them special delivery so I knew they would arrive next day.

Then the waiting game started, This was all in May 2011 and when I got the court date back a date was set for June, on the approach to the date I started the sleepless nights and I had a few weekends where I was extremely down due to not seeing my son, I remember one weekend where my partner had a friend over who was being sympathetic towards me and I broke down and spent the rest of the day alone feeling very tearful while they spent the rest of the day in the garden, I could hear them laughing and joking, but just couldn’t be around people who were happy, Mad really as it should have lifted my mood. While this continued I got closer to my partners son and spent time cuddled up with him and talking/playing I can’t really explain this other than I wasn’t seeing my son and wanted some contact in a similar way to what I would have had if he had been around.

I remember having a few txt/emails from my ex in the week before trying to unsettle me telling me she was bringing a solicitor with her and that she was right in what she was asking for so why didn’t I just drop it all and see my son again. I didn’t back down this time as I wanted all sorted once and for all I had joined Dadtalk by now and had received some great advice from actd and also from Mickey and had been reassured that what I was asking for was right. So I stuck to my guns, I am so thankful for the advise I received back then as it would have been easy to have backed down at that point

I didn’t though and attended court for the first hearing (after a very restless night), I arrived in plenty of time as I hate being late for anything and needed to know I would have plenty of time to get myself sorted and ready. When I arrived at the court I was a little taken aback that I was frisked and had to empty out my pockets I wasn’t expecting this just to be able to enter the building and I remember this unsettling me a bit. I looked on the boards and found I would be on the first floor court room 5, I checked in and was asked if I had representation and asked to take a seat, the court works in a way that multiple people will have the same time slot and the judge will shuffle them around to suit.

I sat and nervously waited and was approached by my ex’s solicitor who wanted to try and resolve what he called “a silly situation” he seemed frustrated at what my ex was doing though clearly didn’t say this, and just asked if were such a big deal to give her what she wanted, I explained the impact it had on my relationship, and that the effect on my son was worse as he was always worried that his mum needed to know what we were doing even if we stopped in a shop on the way home. He wandered off but not before explaining how the court room was laid out and how it would work.

After what seemed like ages, we were called in, I was handed a sheet of paper by the purser and asked to hand it to the judge, when I walked into the court room, It had 3 rows of tables a table to the front and one to the side where a lady was sitting, The judge sat on a raised desk right at the front, there were microphones on the tables in front of where we sat. We were asked to sit and the judge addressed us and asked why I had applied to the court, I explained my reasons and explained that contact with my son had stopped; he spoke to the lady who was a cafcass officer he asked for us to leave and have a joint discussion with caffcas. They spoke to us together and tried to suggest different ways to get past the “stale mate” we had gotten into; my ex just point blank refused to back down one inch and continued to insist that she was entitled to know everything she was asking for as it was her right to know. The caffcas officer tried to advise her that the judge had the power to overrule her and it would be better if she were to accept a compromise (I had offered to tell her if we went more than an hour’s drive away) but she declined and insisted it went into the court room.

We were shown back into the waiting room until the court room was free again, and were then taken back in, the judge asked us again to explain the issues and consulted with cafcas over what had been discussed, While I was explaining my concerns over having to give all the information my ex was asking for I remember feeling very foolish for even bringing my case to court as it seems silly and petty to be taking up the judges time for what should have been such an easy issue to resolve, but I continued to explain the impact that the level of information needed by my ex in order for me to see my son was effecting my relationship with my son. The judge asked my ex why she felt she needed this information and she explained she felt she had a right to know what we were doing and where we were going, The judge asked if she gave me that information and she replied she didn’t so he asked again why she felt she was entitled to it. My ex really didn’t have any answers to this other than she as a mother she should know. The judge decided there and then to restart contact he took on board my suggestion that we would let my ex know if we were to travel more than 1 hr by car (something I offered as I wasn’t sure if the judge would accept my case) The judge ordered us both to attend a PIP (parenting information program) which we did separately (though I went with my current partner who was also ordered to attend as her ex was applying for a contact order too) we also had to re try mediation. The judge talked as though at the next hearing he would place an order for unrestricted access every other weekend. I’ll admit at this point I didn’t feel that mediation would work and didn’t attend thinking the judge would be ordering at the next hearing anyway. I was wrong and when we were next called to court the judge (a different one to the first) adjourned without any conversation until we had attended mediation. He made me feel pretty bad for even being there telling us that he deals with murders and drug dealers/addicts that fight over their children and that our issues were minor in comparison, something I agreed with though I didn’t feel his comments help our situation at all.

I attended a mediation session with my ex and we did manage to move things forward slightly to one night every other weekend, but she would not shift on allowing me to collect on the Friday evening and return on the Sunday evening (2 nights every other week) This worked and I went away to try and resolve my ex’s concerns over the Friday night, my ex wouldn’t allow me to collect my son any later than school finish time and whilst I work an hour’s drive away and didn’t officially finish work until 6pm this just wasn’t possible. I asked my boss if I could start work at 07:30 instead of 08:30 every day and then finish at 16:00 every other Friday, they agreed so I contacted my ex and posed this option to her, she declined and said it was school pick up or Saturday morning.

We had another date for court which my ex tried to cancel, the court wrote back saying it would only be cancelled if I agreed to cancel (I didn’t agree) we went to court and I explained my concerns over mediation to the judge and that although we had managed to move forward we were still stuck with regards to the Friday pickups, he asked my ex again why this couldn’t happen and she couldn’t give a valid reason so judge (a different one again to the others) ruled 2 trial Friday night collection before the next mediation session, he did this as I had made the effort to re arrange work commitments to be able to get to collect earlier. The 2 trial weekends went well and at the next mediation session my ex agreed to leave the Friday pickups in place, I wrote to the court and asked them to leave the case open but to cancel the next court date as we had seemed to sort the issues. I also contacted CSA to inform them of the change in circumstances as with the extra nights I now had I went into the threshold of a reduction in payments. As soon as I did this my ex gave me a list of weekend that my son wouldn’t be available and she then explained to the CSA advisor that I wasn’t over the threshold. It then showed her true reasons for stopping the full weekends to be about money. We had battled over finances from the start with me paying half the mortgage and also CSA money (on a private agreement) for 18 months and the only way she would release me from the mortgage was to pay CSA at a higher rate then worked out by CSA for 12 months.
When my ex gave me the list of dates my son wasn’t available there was no discussion (or room for discussion) it was simply he isn’t available as we have plans. I asked for additional days in school holidays and was told he wasn’t available.
I took the decision to go back to court to have a formal order put in place where there was no room for my ex to control when I saw my son, when we attended court we again sat with cafcass and went through our concerns and then went to see the judge (again a different one) the judge after discussing things with us, ordered that my son would come to me every other weekend from Friday at 5pm through until Sunday at 6pm, he would spend 2 weeks with me in the school summer holidays as well as every other Christmas, the need to tell my ex if we travelled more than 1 hr in the car was removed and replaced with my son having to carry his mobile phone with him if we went more than an hr in the car. My ex challenged this and told the judge my only reason for wanting extra contact was so I could reduce my CSA liability, the judge questioned me on this and I explained had that been my only reason for asking for extended contact that I would surely only be asking for the 52 nights a year needed to reduce the amount and not all the extra time I had asked for. The judge asked me if to pacify my ex I would agree not to apply to the CSA for the reduction and continue to pay at the higher level. I again answered that from day one I had over paid money to my ex, that I had covered half the mortgage for 18 months as well as paying towards my sons living cost’s and then had paid over the csa calculation for 12 months, so I wasn’t prepared to continue to do so. Again the judge asked me if I would consider continuing to pay at the higher rate, seemingly dismissing what I had just said. I looked the judge in the eyes and simply replied (by this stage I was a little annoyed) that I was not prepared to make that commitment and that furthermore it was my understanding that contact and finances /CSA should never be discussed in the same court room as they don’t effect each other, the judge looked at me (I was very nervous waiting for her reply) and then let a small grin out, she looked back to my ex and continued to write the details of the order.

This was a great result and I left on a massive high, This didn’t last long though and I ended feeling really ill and went home to bed and slept, my head was spinning and I felt sick, I can only put this down to the release of all that had happened over the past 12 months (12 months to the day actually that I had written the first letter to my ex which was rather spooky)
Everything went well with contact and my son started to really relax with us and enjoy his time, He had always said that he wanted more time with us and wanted to be able to decide with us what we did while he was. I had checked all of this before going through court as it would have been a waste of time to push for extra contact if he didn’t really want to come.
My ex since the court case in May 2012 has still tried and managed to stop contact on 2 weekend (not whole weekend but part of them) and is now not deciding on whether she will allow my son to travel abroad with us (my family and I) next year for a holiday to Egypt, say she feels it isn’t a child friendly country, she is being very careful at the moment not to say she won’t allow him to travel and is saying she will let me know her decision in January. Though the break in the order for the part weekend isn’t a huge issue I feel it’s the start of more to come and if I don’t act now then it will only continue especially as again there is no discussion I am simply told he won’t be available.

I have applied back to court for a variations order and am waiting for a date, in the variation I will be looking for it to cover future years holiday and also future years abroad and also cover anything else I can think of that may be an issue as if there is going to be one my ex will find it. As said if it were down to the lost contact time only I wouldn’t go straight back to court but I need to be allowed to travel abroad with my son so he can join in the experience of foreign holidays as he doesn’t get to with his mum as she travels in the UK only (with the exception of Euro Disney)

I can’t say I’m looking forward to going back to court but don’t feel I have too much choice without giving in again and allowing my ex to control how my son spends time with my family, plus this should I hope be a straight forward visit and from my experience of court before I am capable of holding my own.

Please feel free to comment.