I am looking for advice from more experienced fathers regarding the upbringing of my 1 year old daughter. I split with my now ex partner before my daughter was born and have had as much regular contact as allowed, i have also payed maintenance of £50p/w from my part time wage of £100p/w, i have my daughter on a wednesday all day and return her to her mother at night and have her overnight once a week alternating between friday and saturday nights.
Everyting had been going smoothly(well as smoothly as the situation allows) until recently when my ex partner started seeing a new man a few months ago, now iam in no way jealous of said new mans relationship with my ex partner i am however uncomfortable with the speed of which the relationship is progressing, every time i pick up my daughter i am subjected to how well (lets call him Mr X) Mr X is getting on with my daughter and how my daughter goes into bed in the mornings with them for " snuggles" and how she always sits " sucking up" to him ....worst part.... Giving him "kisses", and how i have to return my daughter early as MrX is taking them out on a family dinner, and also the frequency as to which he seems to be present at my daughters house seemingly staying over several occassions a week .I have met Mr X twice both times by accident and on the latter of the two occassions he was on the trai casually drinking a can of lager at 5pm on a thursday evening proceeding to drink it whilst walking home from the station.
I have no preconceptions of Mr X and dont wish for him to stop seeing my ex partner i do however believe it to be " wrong" for him to have been spending this time and making bonds with my daughter after such a short period of time. I am looking for advice as to how i can raise the subject with my daughters mother without causing "world war 3" also with the topic of money as i believe i am overpaying bu dont want to eem as though i am taking money away from y daughter, i have recently got a new full time job meaning i will be paying full rent and council tax an after paying child maintenance i will be left with £20p/w how can i raise these issue without causing the arguments as on our last argument i was prevented from seeing my daughter for 5 WEEKS which was why i caved in to her demands
all advice and wisdom from experienced fathers s greatly appreciated,
Many Thanks
Bryan( just trying to be a dad) Smith
Hi Brian & welcome
We can certainly provide advice. Wisdom? Tricky 😆
I'll look at this in detail this evening if other dads haven't already answered by then, but the basic answer you already know - if you raise any of this with your ex, it's probably not going to go down well, so it's a matter of managing the situation in the best way possible, or being prepared for the consequences of standing your ground.
Hi Bryan,
This is tough one,
as actd say's if you make a fuss you risk upsetting the arrangements you currently have seeing you daughter.
I can understand you concern with regards the the amount of time your daughter spends with her mum while MrX is there, however i'm not sure there is an awful lot you can do about it, think about things from a different angle, if you are or were to be with a new partner you would want (at the right time) for your daughter to spend time with the 2 of you, if your ex didn't like it how would you feel if she asked you to see less of your partner when you had your daughter? I think the reality is that while your daughter is in your care then she is your responsibility and what you do and who you see is down to you, in the same respect that when she is in her mums care its her choice who she sees.
It's tough to hear your child likes and enjoys spending time with a new partner of your ex and thats from both sides, and i'm sure that if it was your partner that your daughter was spending time with than your ex would feel the same. I felt that way when my ex started a new relationship and my son was always talking about him, but soon realised that I would rather my son liked this guy and enjoyed spending time with his mum while he was there than if he didn't like him and hated him being around.
Unless you have concerns about your daughters well being then I don't think there is much you can do to change the situation, other than explaining to your ex that you would rather not be told how your daughter is around this guy as it's not easy to hear.
With regards to maintenance payments, search CSA calculator google, fill it in with your income details and how many nights you have you daughter and it will give you an estimate of what you should pay, and you can start from there.
Thread carefully and remember your actions and words can impact your contact with your daughter and thats the most important thing to maintain, if that means biting your tongue and turning the other cheek when your ex talks about your daughter and her partner then that's what's needed.......you can then come on here and rant about it to us.
Pick your battles wisely!!!!!
sorry it's probably not what you wanted to hear but I don't think that you can do much about the way things are, unless others here have another view. 🙁
I think Darren has said most of what I was going to 😀
You are going to have to accept that if you try to chance anything, your ex is probably going to object, so you either leave things as they are, are you may as well be prepared to fight for fair contact - personally, I think if you don't fight, your contact is going to be slowly eroded. If you are going to go for fair contact, then the first step if to try mediation.
The only other thing I'd re-iterate is the maintenance you are paying - it seems that you have been paying way over what you should have been paying - it is good that you want to support your daughter as much as possible, but you do have to leave enough for your to live on yourself, and for you to be able to treat your daughter when you do see her. I would urge you to look at the CSA calculator as Darren suggested, and if you can't reach an agreement with your ex, then you can ask the CSA to take on your case, in which case the CSA calculation will be applied anyway.
Hey guys thanks for the advice, i think i'm going to agree with yous and take it on the chin unless the situation changes. I've had a look at the csa calculator it seems as though i have been overpaying so ill need to have a talk with her and arrange a more suitable payment for both parties, but thanks again for the advice really glad i've found the site and now have somewhere to talk
Bryan
Hi Bryan,
Not a problem, sometimes your heart rules your head and it's easy to act in haste, it's good to get a independent view.
Keep coming back for a chat and any other advice.
Darren