Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hello
I was lucky enough to have shared care arrangement with my two girls for 7 years, It always felt natural. My ex has always dropped derogatory comments to them about me, but I have always managed to let it just wash over me, never really reacted to it. Its been things like "Daddy cant drive" "cant cook" and "no common sense" or "Camt do DIY".
Then it became about money - from a year or so ago, The kids are now 14 and 12.Recently I have been accused of not paying for school dinners on time, not paying her enough so one daughter couldn't do horse riding, made to get them school shoes and then being told I got the wrong ones, etc etc......
Now, I have lost my shared access. And its because she had ramped up the rhetoric, by saying to them that I have trend away from my responsibilities as a father, that I no longer listen to them, that I dont care about their hobbies, that I wont meet my commitments around school clothes and trips etc.
None of this is true.
In 3 short months, I now only see my two 4 days a month, Worse still they refuse to see my partners kids or my partner in that time. At Xmas we were all happy,loved being together etc. Now its as if there is a massive rift and I can only see it getting worse.
I am sure they are having their heads filled with rubbish. But how can I counter act it when I have so little time with them? Without talking about finances (as thats not their concern) ?
How do I react when they say they don't want to see my partners kids? or that they don't want to come with me to a BBQ? How truthful should I be?
I feel I may even lose the 4 days I have because they are dictating all the terms now. My ex even tried to tell me what I should do in half term, IF I get them, and it suggested I leave my partner and her kids out!!
I may still go to court. Waiting for Mediation...but then do I confront my ex with Parent Alienation or do I save that for court??
In meantime I see my girls being poisoned - and its heartbreaking.
any advice appreciated
I would confront you ex with the alienation during mediation rather than wait for court. Try your best to resolve your issues and get to a solution. Court is a long and potentially costly path, so should be a last resort.
It sounds like something recently changed in your life for the 7 years of shared care to stop.... new partner??
hi, i think confronting ex about alienation with mediators will only make things worse, snd have no effect. if you think your ex is the reasonable type to attend mediation and take it seriously, then give it a go.
as you have had a good shared care arrangement in the past, if this went to court, then i dont see why you won't get it back. i think you should focus on getting access to kids first, then worry about alienation.
Thanks for your reply
I have been with my partner for 2 years now. I think that is part of it, jealousy, because the six of us were getting on great and have had 2 holidays and two Xmases together.
Then there was a fairly sudden change in attitude to us, capped off by a letter from my 14 year old to my solicitor stating the living arrangements, and that they are sad I have no longer meet my commitments because I don't pay for horse riding or school trips anymore
so IO think its the two things together
I need to work out what I want from Mediation . Obviously return to having shared access, but when your 14 year old writes a letter its hard to know where to turn next. My solictor thinks she was coerced, and I think she was too by her mother painting me out as the bad guy.
Im not sure how to tackle that in Mediation
As far as the family court are concerned, finances and contact are two entirely separate issues and one cannot rely upon the other. If she starts to use this as a reason in court , I think she may get short shrift... I would hope so.
Do you pay maintenance as an informal arrangement, or through the CSA/CMS?
My only concern is that your children are expressing the wish not to see you, they will be listened to, it’s not easy to prove PA, or even get it recognised in some courts..
It’s down to the judge on the day unfortunately, but what I would say is that they are getting better at acknowledging it... slowly.
Best of luck
Thanks Mojo...
I now pay through a CMS calculation, which came about in March.
I have a date set for Mediation now, which they have said will be shuttle mediation. I dont know if that's because i discussed the PA in my assessment or if it is because she has accused me of being aggressive or something.
Either way my concern is this is going to slow ot down and i cant see how it will work
Hi there
She may have expressed the wish not to be in the same room with you, it wouldn’t necessarily mean she has made allegations of aggression... I wouldn’t worry about it.
It shouldn’t slow the process down, the mediator will be able to judge fairly quickly whether there will be any consensus between you, if it becomes apparent that agreement can’t be reached, they will sign off the form... you can at any time say that you’re too far apart and want to make a court application.
All the best
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.