[Solved] Anxiety over kids

I think I've already shared my opinion of this situation with you Bigfa45... you're probably feeling anxious because you're caught in the middle and one of them will be hurt whatever you decide.

Yeah. Its a hard situation. Do i call wifes bluff and threaten to leave. She may back down as she did last time, but what if it doesnt work out that way and i end up without wife and daughter for two kids at 19 and 16 who could soon be doing their own thing.

Only you can decide...I personally think you should be honest with your wife, tell her how much it hurts to feel you have to choose between her or your children, as you love them all..ask her how she would feel if she were put in a position where she had to choose between a child or a partner

My kids are in their 30s, but I would choose them every time...luckily I have never been put in that situation.

Hello Bigfra45,

You are in a most unenviable position where I think you need to sort everyone out by talking to each party on an individual basis. Communicating is 50% talking and 50% listening, the latter being most important as you should then be able to get to the depth of the problem and begin to build bridges which may take a bit of time.

Communicating with each separate group needs a cool head and expect all parties to be FAIR and REASONABLE as you yourself must be. If one of the parties is not fair and reasonable tell them so. Do not let your emotions take over when communicating.

You love all your children and must maintain contact with all of them, irrespective of their ages.

I would not use the shock tactic of walking out on your wife as this could rebound on you badly as it is not the way to solve this problem.

The parties involve:-

1) Your Mother in Law, it is not anything to do with her. She is just fuelling the fire and I personally would tell her that. In a polite way I would tell her that her opinions are not welcome. She is a guest in your home and should behave like one.

2) Your older children, they appear to be lacking in consideration and respect for others at times. They need to be told this and that you expect better behaviour from them in the future.

3) Your wife, doesn't appear to understand your position at all. She married you knowing full well you had older children and needs to welcome them into the fold and be more tolerant. Does she speak directly to them in a polite way if they are ill mannered and correct them or ask you to? Does she engage in friendly teenage social talk with them? Does she come over as openly hostile towards them or is she welcoming?
Your wife needs to be told in a non confrontational way the anxiety she is causing you.
To present you with the ultimatum of it being them or me is totally out of order. Is it possible that jealousy is the issue here? It needs to be remembered a human being has an enormous capacity to love. Loving your children does not diminish the love you have for her.
A further point I would add is, she is a mother and her child when older may behave in the same way your two older daughters do whom she and her family are so critical of.

Talk to all parties individually, try and get them to see reason and understand the difficulties it presents for you.

In my opinion your wife is out of order with her demands and I would NEVER SEVER contact with the two eldest children because of her.

You ask quote, "why does this make me anxious?" The reason is you are being put under unreasonable pressure primarily by your wife, her mother and at times by your eldest children lacking consideration at times. The issues you describe which cause the conflict are quite trivial and I believe there to be a more serious issue underlying this which you need to get to the bottom of.

could you pay for your older children to stay in a hotel near you when they come to visit - thay way they can still visit, but it gives you all a bit of space and might diffuse the situation. I would say that calling your wife's bluff is not going to make for a healthy marriage in the future, so you need to find compromises on all sides.

You need to have some communication here. I'm with Mojo on this one. My kids who are 16 & 19 would hands down win every time, they might seem old at that age but they're still very much children who are becoming young adults. I think your wife is being unreasonable.