[Solved] Strugglingng with relationship

Hi Mate,

The answer to your question of being unreasonable is NO!. This is a very similar situation which I have been in, although I have not worked nights I used to come home after a hard day at work and whilst me ex was on maternity leave would sit around her mums and smoke ( yes smoke ) and drink. Since then which was admitily a few years ago has now tried to do me over big time ( if you read my status). All I can say is really really look deep into how your love is for each other, try and spend some quality time with your partner ( I know its hard when you work nights) but for your kids sake its best to air your points and hopefully clear the arguements. I hope you can sort things out but you are in a much more stable enviroment in what I was in as you own your own mortgage etc I did not and my ex has had the lot. Yes the women needs rest and care and my new partner who is pregnant is soon to go on mat leave but will continue to do her fair share as she is fantastic. Hope you sort things out mate.

cheers

Hi Michael

Firstly welcome to the forum, hopefully you will find the site informative and helpful. What did you have - boy or girl ?

Having a child is extremely stressful as I'm sure finding out, on top of that it can take up to a year for the pregnancy hormones to settle back to a normal level. In my experience as a mum your partner is probably not even aware that she is coming across as ungrateful - all her energy will be being put to use in keeping up with the baby and it's needs.

I remember very clearly not being able to keep up with the housework, child, shopping etc. until someone pointed out to me ( a very helpful health visitor) that I was not super human and it didn't matter if the hoovering or dusting wasn't done for a day.

I would also hazard a guess that she may have a touch of post-natal depression - not wanting to leave the house and having no energy are two of the classic symptoms. Could you talk to her about seeing her health visitor or doctor ( this may not be well received to start with, if it doesn't work the first time leave it and try again later), or does she have a sister, good friend or even her mum you can confide in ?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but perhaps both of your expectations of parenthood and reality are two different things, give it time and things will settle.

Most of all I would suggest you both need to talk, can you have a night out and get someone to babysit.

Let me know how you get on

Mags

Michael,

Welcome to DadTalk mate. Looking forward to reading some other posts from you. Congratulations on becoming a Dad.

I agree with Mags, this sounds like conflicting expectations rather than anything more sinister. I would talk with her, rather than stew over it. Don't start the conversation with accusations of what you think she isn't doing or what your doing.

Have a conversation about how the two of you could help each other spend some quality time with your child and some quality time with each other. It is really easy to get sucked up into the "I'm a parent now" vibe and forget that you also owe time to the relationship you and your partner have.

I hope this is of some help.

Gooner

Hi again,

Firstly, i really appreciate all your advice and thanks for sharing all your experiences. Some of your advice was spot. I believe the issues i was having were due to conflicting ideas of each. others roles. Having spoke bout this with my better half i think we've found a way to resolve this issue.Although not completely sorted i think we're well on the way. No doubt ill be posting a lot more forum issues and i hope you all can be as helpful with them as you hve been with this 1.

Many thanks,

Mike
Ps, it was a boy we had, aidan david love 🙂 )

Hi Michael
I posted the below in another link but also feel your post is relevant to me.

Hi all,

First time post and i feel this is the closest link to my situation and could do with some advice. Firstly i really feel for you dhh, and think although i'm further down the line than you it's a very similar situation.
My wife and I had a beautiful son 9months ago and he's amazing in every way. The down side to him entering our lives is that we seem to have become two seperate live in parents. For the past 9months we've been up and down and right now we've both openly stated that he's the only thing keeping us in the same house. We too have not had any physical contact since he was born despite my interests. She's had concerns over some possible lumps down below (so far docs say they are nothing to worry about) and feels i've not been supportive enough of that but she would never talk about it and on the odd occasion i broached it, it was played down. I look at our wedding pics and i feel i'm still that man where she admits she's changed and i have not. I cook and clean (although she never feels i do enough around the house) and she's constantly tired and irritable, yet i really and truly do my share if not more. The mother in law and sister in law have even stated that i'm a fantastic husband and dad. We've talked on a few occasions but just disagree each other and feel the other person is in the wrong.
I'm petrified that she's given up on the relationship and that she will leave me and take him with her. I'd be distraught at the thought of our relationship breaking down but losing him would rip my insides out and can't handle the thought of it.
Sorry for jumping on your link dhh but could do with some advice from you and everyone else. We were an unbelievably happy couple last year and being together involved no effort whatsoever. Now general conversation is a chore and i can feel the hate from her and i really don't know what else to do.....

We have talked and i've offered a number of solutions but nothing seems to be working, on the PND front i referred her myself about 3-4months ago and she was assessed at having some form of depression but nothing has happened since. I daren't push this further and feel totally alone.... I don't want the marriage to end nor to lose my son which i feel would inevitably happen as with most splits. Everyone tells her that when a child comes in to the world something has to give but she won't let up on anything and the house has to be clean and kept. If i do anything she neither comments on it or appreciates it, she even goes over it some times (and i know how to keep a clean house!) Little Rowan is a dream of kid and never causes any real problems, yet if i ask to go anywhere for a few hours or have to work a Sunday morning it's seen as a major problem as she will have to look after him on her own.
My family are over 90 miles away and hers are all here so i really feel isolated. I can and do on occasion speak to her family and they are good but i don't want to keep doing that as i feel like i'm going behind her back.

Hi there

Have some real sympathy for you - it sounds like you are having a tough time. It also sound like she is suffering with some form of PND but as you are already aware you need to tread carefully.

Try to include her in family activities, go for walks, go shopping, let her go out to the cinema with her friends or maybe just the two of you but above all show her some real support.

It will get better - many women act differently after having a baby - just don't put too much pressure on her

Good luck