[Solved] Some advice needed

Hi and welcome to the forum

The first thing you need to do is to read yoji's guides in the legal section (top two posts) as these will start you on your way. If you haven't already done so, start keeping a complete diary of all events, all messages, texts, conversations etc with everyone concerned.

Before I give more advice, though, I would ask a few questions

1. Do you feel that your daughter has been in any immediate danger from the situation she's in - and that includes your ex being incapacitated through drink so she (your ex) couldn't do anything if an emergency arose? If so, does it happen often.
2. Do you have evidence of your ex drinking to excess?
3. Is there any evidence of neglect, or can you get some when you collect your daughter - photos of the state of the house etc (preferably without your ex seeing)
4. I presume from your post that you are able to provide a home for your daughter, and be able to provide care after school etc (doesn't have to be you - could be an after school club etc)

Thanks for the reply. In response to your questions

1. Do you feel that your daughter has been in any immediate danger from the situation she's in - and that includes your ex being incapacitated through drink so she (your ex) couldn't do anything if an emergency arose? If so, does it happen often.

I do feel that although danger hasn't been experienced yet the potential is there. For example if she falls asleep drunk whilst smoking a cigarette. She has also fallen down the stairs during one of her episodes with only my daughter in the house resulting in a call to me to see if i can contact any of her family.

2. Do you have evidence of your ex drinking to excess?

Other than what I have witnessed and what my daughter can confirm not really. Her family have also been involved but I doubt I could get any of them to speak in my favour.

3. Is there any evidence of neglect, or can you get some when you collect your daughter - photos of the state of the house etc (preferably without your ex seeing)

The neglect isn't so much to do with the state of the house. That's pretty clean and looked after. It's more of a mental neglect and lack of stimulus for my daughter. Also i know my daughter has to deal with alot of her mothers issues and constantly worries about her especially when she is at school. She also worries that her mother will come to collect her from school while drunk, which has happened on at least one occasion. This alone has it's own repercussions as my daughter's schooling is suffering as a result.

4. I presume from your post that you are able to provide a home for your daughter, and be able to provide care after school etc (doesn't have to be you - could be an after school club etc)

This is not a problem. I have my own business and hours are flexible to suit.

If i can provide any more info then please feel free to ask.

thanks again

Hi and thanks for the quick reply.

I need to have a think about this for a while. However, do you think your ex would voluntarily let your daughter come to live with you - pehaps on a trial basis?

In the meantime, I would contact her school head and explain the situation and ask their pastoral care worker to introduce herself to your daughter. At the moment, she needs people close by to her who she can confide in (any conversation with the PC worker will be confidential, so you won't know what is said unless your daughter gives permission to talk to you, and you shouldn't ask your daughter what she talks about)

OK, this isn't the usual sort of advice, but my case had similarities to yours, and it may help. My ex is an alcoholic and the situation became impossible to the extent that I took my children away initially and then went through the courts to get a residence order (though I was planning, naively, to ask for custody).

When I took the children away, it was precipitated by a call from my daughter saying she was scared that my ex was going to hurt her. My reaction was, after a couple of calls, was to ring the police and get them out to my ex's house, and told them I was getting in the car and driving to collect them (200 miles away) - before I left, I rang my daughter and told her that the police were on their way under no circumstances was she to let the police leave without taking her with them. The police also managed to persuade my ex to let them take my younger daughter (who I wasn't so concerned about being in such immediate danger). I arrived at 2am Saturday, collected my daughters from the police station, and then drove them the 3 hours back to home. The advantage this all gave me was that the police were involved, so they reported on the state of the house and my ex, and it meant that I couldn't then be accused of abducting my children.

I then set about the task of settling the children in as fast as possible. We had my youngest daughter in school by the lunchtime of the Monday (my wife knew the headmistress), and my older daughter by the Wednesday (again we approached the school directly, the local education department took 2 months to offer a place for the school she was already attending) - had a temporary room for them and proper beds within a couple of days, and had started the planning process for an extension within a week (buillding started within 4 months).

I applied for custody, and the fact that they were settled, and cafcass saw what we were doing to give them a proper home, plus the fact that they had made new friends etc helped the courts make the decision that the children should reside with me.

I would say that if you can get your daughter with you, you really then don't want to rush the legal procedures - the longer your daughter is settled with you, then the more it would be unsettling for her if your ex wanted to take her back, and the courts are more reluctant to remove a child who is happy and settled in.

Obviously, there is a whole lot more than I could say, but the basic idea is that if there is a specific event that precipitates emergency action (and I would say that a phone call from your daughter because your ex is incapacitated would certainly qualify) and you can get the authorities to assist, you are going to have a much easier time when it comes to residency.