[Solved] should she have involved my children in new relationship?

Hi Tomtom

I feel for you , I am a mum of 3 and would never introduce any partner to my kids ( although the youngest is 14) to a partner without getting to know him properly first.

When I met my current husband my daughter ( who is now 14) was only 2, she had never known her dad as he disappeared when she was 3 months old - he preferred alcohol to us- I was very cautious, they did not meet until she was almost 4. I had to be sure that this was a long term "thing".

It seems to me that your ex is desperate for someone, no matter how in appropriate. You need to be there for your kids - this will be hard on you and on them - but you cannot judge her relationship as she could not on yours.

Can you calmly talk to her and mention what your son has said, perhaps suggest a little more diplomacy ?

You sound like you are worried about being replaced, no one can replace a true dad - do not let your kids see you in any other light 😀 Be there for them , not her, you are their dad concentrate on that.

Come back soon

mags

Hi TomTom

I'm sorry to hear about this situation - it's a really tricky one. When your ex finds a new partner it's understandable that you still feel angry and upset, particularly if you’re still struggling to come to terms with the split.

In an ideal world, yes she'd wait until the relationship develops but unless you have real concerns about your children’s safety with your ex’s partner, you may have to let go and put your children's well being above your own feelings.

You can talk it over confidentially and free at Parentline on 0808 800 2222.

I hope this helps.

Hi Tomtom

I'm with Mikey on this - in an ideal world, a steady relationship would develop before the children are introduced, but in practical terms, your ex has the children for the majority of the time and in order to have a new relationship, she is going to have to either bring her man into the house, or arrange for a lot of childcare, which wouldn't be good for the children.

I think the only valid objection you could have would be if you throught there was a genuine risk of harm (emotional or physical) to your children.

Hi, thanks for the replies.

I realise that at some point new relationships will form and that is just another part of this to be overcome. However my frustration comes from the deep instabilties in this relationship and not just that the children are meeting him, but that they are completely involved, sleeping over regularly etc.. It is all so quick and full on considering what has come before etc.

Also, we have approx 50/50 custody of the children, which is brilliant for me, as I really love having them, but this does mean that she has more than enough time away from the children to begin this relationship and let it settle down/see how it goes before involving them so heavily so early on.

RYou neevr know whether a relationship will last or not,, I've learnt that the hard way, but this relationship she is in has so many negatives that she talks about herself that it is very likely that it will end at some point in the future. Although right now my children are in no "danger" I do fear for them emotionally if/when this relationships hits the rocks as they will be so involved in it all, they will have to go through all the emotional turmoil of break up all over again.

Im not concerned about being replaced in terms of my children, as I adore them and they adore and are very close to me, I just cant see what the rush is with all of this, it seems very dangerous to me and a gamble

Perhaps you could suggest to your ex that you have your children whenever she has her new man round so that they have more time on their own - that way you get extra contact, she can get the relationship established (or ended if it goes that way) and the children aren't in the middle.

Tom, you are not "over-reacting", "naive" or anything other than someone trying to do the right thing by his kids while keeping himself saine! My story is similar to the point where I was emotionally blackmailed into leaving the house that me and "that woman" jointly owned. I had to live in my recently deceased Nan's 1 bedroom flat (in an over 60's retirement complex!!!) while having the kids 50% with her not sharing the benefits. I was on a very low income as like you I was the main carer with a part-time job to keep the house finances ticking over while she built up our retail business for which I did all deliveries, stock control, admin, tax, VAT - you name it!!!!. I pursued a divorce for adultery and the other man moved into the house 2 weeks after the decree absolute!!! - My 6 year old daughter was very upset when I had my son for the night on his own to give us each 1 to 1 with a child only to find out that lying in bed watching a DVD with Mum was shared by the other man also lying in the bed!!! - I was given a barrel load of abuse for suggesting that this was maybe not an appropriate way to spend 1 to 1 time with her daughter. At this point the finances had not been resolved and my £50K equity was tied up in a house that she now lives in with this homewrecker. Needless to say he has 3 kids of his own that he has very minimal contact with and he is slowly worming his way in to completely replace me.

My brother and my parents have been a great support to me and the kids and could not have done it without them, they have also come up with her share of the equity so I can buy her out and move back in - I DIY'd every [censored] room in that house and refuse to walk away from it. I think its also a good way of facing demons and moving on.

Maintain your dignity, you will get slated for everything you do, I was screamed at down the phone for watching Titanic with my two the other day!!

The best thing I 've done so far..... - the ex-wife can't swim whereas I am a strong swimmer, I have taken my 7 and 8yr old swimming countless times and also got them some lessons. Both kids have suddenly gained confidence, dumped armbands and floats and swim around like they have been doing it for years. The other night both were in tears because Mummy has not seen them swim and probably won't, I arranged that I took the kids for a swim and the ex came to watch. She was bowled over with what they could do, it showed her that I am a capable Dad and can play, laugh and joke with my kids like any other parent. The kids were proud of what they had achieved and were so happy Mum had seem it. After we came out of the changing rooms I could she she was flustered and had been crying which I made no comment about. I have not been hassled since.

My thoughts about this situation are that the woman has made a very irrational decission based on nothing but dreams and ideals and to much Mr Darcy!! While she is in this state if you rise to her jibes and basically play along then it keeps the whole thing going. Think out of the box, ignore her rants, reply only to proper stuff and just do normal things with your life and your kids, she will see the error of her ways through your actions and start on the other bloke instead!!!

I'm 17 months on now, been with a new girlfriend for over a year and she is it for me! in 2 weeks I get my old house back, I get money off her to help pay the personal debts, she keeps the business but also all the debt and the kids officially reside with me and I hand over half the benefits to her as she has them 50% - now is that a happy ending or what!

It was good to read your post and the happy outcome, even though you've been through a nightmare scenario. You kept going for the sake of your kids and are now reaping the rewards. I hope that things continue to improve for you - you deserve it.