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Hello Folks,
This is my first post here and I was hoping I could hear people's thoughts on the situation my partner and myself find ourselves in.
A little background first!
Im a 38 year old dad of two kids, my Girl who is 6 and My boy who is 13 going on 14.
I have been separated from my wife for 5 years and consider myself single. (not divorced yet, the process has been hampered by a court process that keeps getting things like addresses wrong, not by willing from either side or issues to do with custody or finances)
I met a woman last year (32) who has two children too. Her boy is 14 and her girl is 9 (different fathers, the boys dad is dead some 10 years and the girls dad only has contact due to his visa and little contact in the last 6 months due to her unwillingness to see him)
The relationship we have was brilliant and loving for many months until december, when my partner became depressed due to money worries. We split in the beginning of feb and my partner believed I was seeing someone else (my past history with my wife is not a good one, I cheated repeatedly.) I have been utterly faithful to my current partner as I understand the pain and hurt it causes others when their partner is unfaithful.
At the end of feb my partner revealed she had cheated on me, I forgave her fully although said that she had some explaining to do but I was willing to move on and that we could deal with this. It was important to do this for both our sakes as I believe that holding a grudge does nobody any good and also, of course, because I love this woman with all my heart. By this point I had moved in with a friend and we were no longer living together, she had said that she needed space and quite frankly so did I.
The relationship we have had with each others children has been excellent, and I really cannot fault her in dealing with my kids. she has been complimentary about my behaviour with hers and up until the point I am going to describe there has not been an issue.
Two weeks ago I went over to see her with the intention of taking her daughter to a friends birthday party, this me and my partner did and she had a great time. We sat in the car and ate food and chatted until it was over. We went shopping afterwards for the night and when we came home I went into the kitchen to start sorting out rubbish while my partner went upstairs to tidy. Her daughter sat on the sofa and within a minute was crying loudly. I went in to see what was the matter and she wouldnt tell me, so I went bakc into the kitchen, and carried on, shrugging it off. This carried on so I went back again to check on her. She told me someone had hurt her.
At this point my alarm bells started ringing so I went and called my partner downstairs. The door was closed in my face and after a while my partner called me in and explained that she said her daughter had made an allegation of assualt against me. She claimed I had scratched her back repeatedly. And was shown about 8 in-line scratches on her lower to middle back.
I had no idea what to do at this point so made commiserations and of course apologised, but said clearly that this was not my fault, and asked her mum if she was sure. My partner said nothing about it, I felt pretty shocked later and repeated that I had not done this and was not even in the room.
I have worked in safeguarding before but have never had an allegation made against me, so was a bit slow to react. The next day I went home and spoke to a colleague in social work who advised me to stay away and deal with it from afar which is what I have done. My partner has no idea what to do about it and even when asked on the phone cannot say who she believes. I now cannot spend time with my partner while her little girl is there, for my own protection and of course for hers. I understand how disclosure works within the safeguarding framework, but my partner does not. She feels that when I mention this it puts everything at risk, however I cannot let this get worse.
I love my partner, I want us to be together and I want a happy family. For someone who has never had anything of this kind levelled at me I am at a loss as to what to do. I need some advice and would be happy to answer further questions about this, there is more to be said about my partners depression, but she acknowledges that her daughter is jealous of our relationship and the time I spend with her mum, she knows her daughter has problems dealing with men as her father is absentee.
I just want things to be settled, but I'm not sure I can get over that. What if I am accused of doing something worse??? It doesnt bear thinking about! Frankly it scares me. I have my own children to look after and my own life to keep safe. My partner has no idea how to deal with this, I don;t blame her. She has no experience. I find it difficult to give her direction as it would seem like I'm trying to persuade her and that is a confilct of interest. I am well aware that she must believe her daughter, but never the less she obviously has her doubts, otherwise why let me back in her property or even speak to me even for a minute...
Your thoughts are greatly appreciated my mind is a bit of a mess right now!
TIA
Chris.
Hi Chris
I cannot imagine what you (and your partner) are going through right now, and it's way beyond my capability to give you any meaningful advice. I wonder whether your partner's daughter would be prepared to discuss the situation with you with a councillor present to see if you can get to the root of the problem.
Hi Chris
Have you and your partner thought about how/when this injury to her daughters back might have happened? Have you talked to the adults at the party to find out if anything happened there? It must be very upsetting to be accused in this way but my first thought would be who has done this...They dont sound as if they could have been self inflicted by their position.... did they look fresh?
I think you both need to get to the bottom of this and actds suggestion of a counsellor is worth thinking about. If left, something like this could easily fester.
Hi Folks
Thanks for the replies.
We have spoken about counselling for her daughter with regards to a number of other issues, perhaps me talking about them here will give you a clearer picture of this little girl and illuminate some matters.
She is a black girl with a white mother who goes to a primarily white school in a white area (and EDL stronghold too) and has been the victim of racial abuse from other school children and is reguarly 'accidentally not invited' to childrens parties. This must have an effect on her. She is a fantastic artist with a terrific eye for detail and will do very well at high school I believe.
She often makes strenuous efforts to avoid going to school (surprise surprise) including making herself physically sick in the mornings (her mother told me this and I have seen it for myself) Losing her school clothes deliberately and complaining of illness. This is MOST mornings.
She has manufactured incidents of assault with my daughter and her brother. Complaints of he/she hit me when no such incident has taken place are common (at least once a week with her brother) so she has prior form.
She has a history of flatly denying damaging things in the house or in one incident wiping her own excrement up the outside of the toilet with her hands then making a lot of noise to prove she did not do it.
She has a history of bed wetting up until the age of 8, she hasnt done this recently to my knowledge but I'm not longer living there for obvious reasons.
She is a VERY untidy child, way more untidy than my kids ever have been. This I put down to her mothers unwillingness to confront her, her mum had a very unhappy childhood at the hands of an abuse father and a mother who still treats her like she is 15. I think she has tried to make up for this her not being too overbearing with her kids and this has gone too far the other way with the end result that her children do walk all over her and mostly she lets them.
I'm not a spare the rod spoil the child person (this is 1850 ffs!) but I do believe that children NEED boundaries for a mulittude of reasons, one of these being it prepares them for adult life and also, thankfully, gives a parent a chance to breathe. My partner regularly tells me that the children are doing her head in and I fear that it has gone too far for her to bring them back into a state of peaceful co-existence.
I often feel frustrated personally with this situation, I have tried for months and months to cultivate a relationship with her daughter and seemed to be getting somewhere until we had strife in the relationship with my partner, this incident feels like a rejection by her daughter and an attempt to 'get rid of me' now I know that I'm ascribing quite adult motives to a 9yro, but I'm sure that she is being reactive to the clear distress her mum has been in since we started having 'serious' conversations. Her mum doesnt cope well with adult conversations like this (I don't shout BTW in case you were wondering) and has a tendency to cry, in frustration and emotional distress. She has not taken the time to explain why to her daughter and I am left looking like a big bad man.
In reference to the incident mentioned in the OP the party had crossed my mind and I have mentioned it but, like I said, It's difficult to do this as it may look like I'm blaming something else and trying to deflect attention away from me which obviously does not look good. Her scratches were in the lower to middle back and could easily have been self inflicted. I have reminded her mum that if I really had done this why would she let me do them repeatedly and why didnt she run to her mum? I got a "Don't know" which is a common phrase from her mum in all this "Don't know" to almost everything. Frustrating when you're trying to have a conversation....My main aim is to ensure that this little girl, who has many issues is settled in her life. If she doesn't want me there and it upsets her i have to take that consequence and move on, especially if her mum won't deal with it via counseling or intervention help. My hands feel tied.
It's all very confused and I'm trying to make some sense out of it all. Bet you lot are too, perhaps someone could see a moment of clarity I cannot as it's very much 'Wood for the Trees' here.
TIA
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