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I had a browse before I posted here, seems a lot of people are going through the same thing as me...
Im 31, never thought i would have kids as soon as I did. I have a beautiful boy and girl, 2&3.
My ex and I split up nearly a year and a half ago. My son was 4 months at the time. I had just gotten over glandular fever, gall stones and a hernia. My ex changed the paperwork on the rental agreement at one point in the year before. So every time we had an argument she called the police. The police would come around and ask me to leave, because my name wasn't on the rental agreement. I never signed any paper work stating my name should be taken off, and I left the house for 2 days to left things cool off, as they were getting a bit too heated.
I should just add, the police never arrested me, I was nearly always gone before they turned up, and at one point they auctully pulled her to one side and said any more calls to the police, and they would do her for wasting police time. She called them about 10 times in 4 months. arguments were as petty as being over dinner...well I say that, It was over her not having time to eat, even though, I was cooking for me and my daughter at the same time. And I hadn't eaten all day.
Anyways, thats all in the past, and we split, it was the best thing to do, she used me to get citizenship, much like she used her husband to get residency in the UK.
I was kicked out when my son was 4 months old. I had to move back home to my parents for about 5 months. I missed my sons first christmas. Not that it mattered too much, when I did get back to see them, my daughter ran up and hugged me, my son cried. He didn't remember me. I worked so hard last year to build up a relationship with him.
I would have the kids, from 9am till 12pm. That was all she would let me have them for at first. Then after a few months, she let me have them until 5pm. It was great, the kids loved coming around, and hated leaving. They would get home and sit and enjoy dinner, and then go to bed. Then i would get told off, cause the kids didn't sleep in the afternoon. Not that they wanted to, but hey.
Over christmas, I was supposed to have the kids, you can probably tell already by my phrasing of words, it never happened. Because I don't drive, she wouldn't allow me to have the kids. She said the only way I could have them, was if i got a taxi, (at a cost of £60 from mine to hers and back) and then drop them off in the same manner. £120 she wanted me to spend on a taxi. When I asked her to drop them off at mine, because she drives, she said it wasn't her problem. Even when I offered her £20 for a cab, She didn't want my money.
Fair enough you might say, but 2 days after she kicked me out for the last time, she emptied my bank account and called CSA. Over this christmas, the CSA took a freak pay cheque of £169, and ran my CSA percentage from that. 35% and £29 a week, or there abouts. I have just sent in all my real pay cheques, which are all under £100. So I called her up an explained what was happening. She said she didn't want the £20 a week I was offering, and the CSA were going to pay her more. The conversation went along the lines of, if you dont want to pay for your kids, then I will take your name off the birth certificate, I told her to speak to her solicitor.
Anyways, a week later, she texts me, Im currently in court, as a serving juror. I was getting a small amount of money for the first 5 weeks until my boss filled out paperwork for me. I left court last Thursday, turned on my phone, and recieved a message from her. It said that I could now only see the kids in a contact centre, at a £40 cost, and then £15 an hour.
Now im going back to my solicitor, and taking her to court. But she is trying as hard as she can to force me out of my children's lives, while at the same time, making me pay her to raise the kids, and I never see them, I have never had them overnight, even though I take them back on saturdays, and she's paying for a babysitter. since I left the house, she has brought, a 42'hdtv, 2 cars, xbox 360 with kinect, rugs, carpets, 2 fridges, washing machine, new tumble dryer, a new bathroom suite, and this summer, shes even getting an extension!
I have been struggling for the last 2 years just to get a job. shes destroying me....I love my kids, and want to see them, but shes cutting my access down all the time.
I mean I havnt even spoken about her mother, who came over to RAISE our kids, an we argued over how much she was doing, which led to her telling me she was going back to the ukraine with her mother if she left, and I would never see my child again. (we only had alexa at this point)
Or the time she came home, with some bald ginger bloke sitting shotgun in a porscha convertable. when I asked her if it was dave, she said no, it was andy, daves the fella with the bmw. I dont know who im going to go for yet, probally the guy with the porsch.
Or how about the following week, when i brought the kids home, she had new yves st lauren sunglasses and a new chanel handbag. When I asked her how she managed to afford them on housing benifits and child support, because the glasses must have been at least £70, she said, no £120....
its crazy. its gotten outta hand. I have no say in my kids lives. I cant help pick them a school. In fact I even missed my daughters first school play, because they gave out limited tickets, and she took her mother to it. I didnt know about it till weeks after, but hey, blood is thicker than blood I guess.
[censored] im tired of this. I have ranted enough...
Hi and welcome.
That's quite a lot going on, and quite a few different problems, so it's probably worth taking it bit by bit. Can I ask if there are any specific questions you have, so we can give you answers rather than general comments?
Two things I will mention - first you ex can't take you off the birth certificate, so that's definitely an idle threat, unless she can prove that you aren't the father, which obviously isn't the case. Secondly, I would have a click oln the link for Child Maintenance Options at the bottom of this page and have a word with them regarding your maintenance payments - if you are earning less than £100 per week, you should only be paying £5 per week.
Ok, I know she cant take my name off the birth certificate. but i have heard all the threats before. its not the first time she has said she would do that.
I have had, im not the father, i will take your name off, i will move away and you will never see them again. Shes ukranain, she has threatened to move back there as well.
Im currently talking to the CSA. They have all my payslips after christmas, and they are in the process of recalculating my payments to her, that includes all the back pay too.
Is there anything else you need to know? She tries to keep me under control as much as possible, and if i step out of line, then i end up paying in one form or another. but yeah, i really got screwed on this one.
Hi Lashed
No problem asking for support, we can always provide that.
You need to forget the fact that she is getting money from new boyfriends etc, it's annoying, but it's totally irrelevant to what you are looking to achieve. You need to concentrate on contact for the future and also by concentrating on this, you will start to get control of your own life back, which is a good start moving forwards.
yeah, most of that wasnt from new boy friends! some of the stuff she has, like designer sunglasses and designer handbags was. and to tell the truth i dont really care about that stuff. Its my kids I care about.
The real problems i have are this. The CSA works to very very strict guidelines, and they dont take into account what the fathers spend outside of giving to the mother for the kids. she wont let me have my kids over week ends, because she loses money from the CSA. the other point to note is, that over christmas, or when i do have the kids, i spend money on them. but again thats not taken into account either.
the other problem is, that court contact takes so long, funded by the father to see HIS OWN KIDS! why should i have to be responsible for this, when its my ex stopping me?
But thanks, i feel better today, im hoping by Monday, it will be a fresh week....
Yeah, unfortunately you have the facts correct - the system is unfair in some circumstances, and it does encourage the parent with care not to give staying contact because of a reduction in maintenance. The maintenance is reduced by 1/7th if children stay with the non resident parent for between 52 and 103 days - you could try to negotiate with your ex to have them for up to 51 days, that way it wouldn't affect the maintenance payments if you could manage that.
yeah....our talking collapsed....not that she ever talked to me in the first place. we went to councilling. she was supposed to update me on the kids every week, a call, email, whatever. that idea never took off.
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