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Hi guys
Can I ask for your opinions please? I use the forum mainly to support my partner but have a question about my own kids situation. Sorry if it's a bit long winded.
6 years ago the father of my children moved towns, he asked me and the kids to move here too so that he could co-parent, we obliged despite putting a 5 hour distance between any family support / relationships. His partner (now wife) lived about 1h 30 min drive from here and they based themselves between their 2 properties.
Fast forward 4 years and following their marriage they chose to base themselves permanently at the wife's property with my ex using the property he owns here to have contact time with the kids. Whilst this restricted the flexible child led arrangement we had worked hard to achieve, it has sort of worked over the last 2 years, with the kids seeing him alternate Wednesdays and alternate weekends Thu through to Mon morn.
My ex recently told me that they are planning to sell both properties in order to buy a larger property in his wife's hometown. This will mean that the new contact arrangement will be alternate Saturday night's. My daughter is refusing to consider travelling up there once a fortnight as she is in her final year of college & works on weekends. My son is just entering Year 10 and is very upset at the new potential arrangement as he's very close to his Dad and also suffers with Mental Health Issues(OCD/Anxiety). I've asked them to reconsider but to no avail. When I've tried to speak to my ex about it he accuses me of trying to make him feel guilty.
There is no reason I can see for them basing themselves up there. They are both freelance in their jobs which take them all over the world (which can result in long periods of no contact), his wife works in her hometown 1 day a week & they have no children together (she doesn't have any either) and are not planning any due to their ages.
My son finds it difficult to talk to his Dad and express his wishes. My daughter has spoken to her Dad & Step-Mum and expressed hers and her brother's wishes but this ended in an argument as her Dad sat in silence while the SM did all the talking. I've written to him asking them to reconsider (they won't) and tried to work out an agreement for my son. Due to school and after school commitments, it only leaves alternate Saturday overnights as an option and I will have to do all the travel as my ex doesn't drive and his wife only has a 2 seat sports car.
My son's condition is quite bad at the minute, it's preventing me working full time as he needs a lot of supervision & there's no family back up to help out, on top of my partner's court case, it's causing stress for all of us.
I guess I'm asking 2 things;
1) your opinions
2) any advice - considering asking him (and poss the wife) to come to Mediation / Family counselling & possibly to include our children in this too.....
Thanks in advance for reading 🙂
...it's a tough one isn't it. Your ex and his wife seem pretty implacable from the sound of it so Mediation/family counselling might be the way to go, you don't have many other options unfortunately. Including the children in discussions is a good idea.
Perhaps your daughter should talk to her Dad alone without the SM there. With the difficulties your son is having at the moment, it's not a good time to start reducing contact and that's the issue here. He needs to be reminded that his children come first, especially when one of them is struggling!
Hi,
I think as NJ has said you need some discussion between you all, mediation would be a good way to go and hopefully with a mediator there an agreement could be reached.
I do think it would be so unfair for your son to miss time with his dad at anytime let alone when he is struggling he needs routine and not change at the moment, I wonder how much wieght a letter from the doctor stating this would carry if the doctor was happy to right one, that way the father would realise that it isn't you being difficult but more a case of whats best for your son.
I do agree that maybe your daughter should have a chat without the new wife present so she can actually talk to her dad rather that his new wife.
GTTS
Hi GTTS & NJ
Thanks for replying. I've already suggested to my daughter that she meets with her Dad over the hols when SM isn't around, she's going to try to do this over the next couple of weeks.
I'm working on a letter to him outlining financial proposals for when daughter turns 18 next year and also for future contact. I'm going to suggest Mediation or counselling in this letter, also possibly offer him the choice to bring SM along too. Not sure if this is a good idea or not to include her. She used to be great for the first few years, very involved and supportive of the kids, since their wedding and subsequent move to her property, she seems to want as little involvement as possible, the kids hardly see her these days.
GTTS - I'm not sure asking the doc would be any use, my ex has been very involved in my son's condition, attending medical appointments, he even paid for some private counselling for him while we were waiting for the NHS treatment plan to start. This is what winds me up, he understands the condition and has first hand experience of how bad it can get, yet still wants to plough ahead with their plans which will inevitably reduce their contact time.
There's a possibility he might rent a studio flat here for visitation days once his flat is sold, but this would only be for 12 months. I'm no expert but I think it's unrealistic to set a time limit against a Mental Health illness as it is very much an unknown quantity. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to support my partner with his court case as well as support my kids and in particular my son's condition without any help or family support.
My partner and many Dads on here fight tooth and nail for any crumb of contact to be thrown their way, yet I'm battling to keep my ex involved. **shakes head in disbelief**
Thanks again 🙂
Hi,
if he knows what your son is going through then no the doctors letter wouldn't help.
Maybe though if he is renting a studio flat for 12 months he could use that time as adjustment period for your son, if he only sees him at this studio flat then nothing will change, but if he slowly introduces his new home over the course of the 12 months then maybe that would help your son come to terms with the changes rather than a instant change, I think your right in what you say about putting a 12 month time limit on your son's state of mind, but if he graduly goes to the new address away from where you live, to start with day visits, and then overmights when ready, then maybe your son would cope better.
Just my view.
GTTS
Cheers GTTS..... I've been thinking along the same lines. Trying to keep my cool and focus on what's best for our son but feeling very indignant and sad for him. What I really want to do is confront them but any bad feeling won't be good for my son...
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