[Solved] Newly Seperated, Struggling with the hatred!!!

Shocking but not uncommon. There are similarities to my position. The children live with me now and I am the primary carer, but at the time everyone believed she was the victim of something! I was arrested 3 times and bailed not to attend our family business (which we eventully lost) or my home, which after the truth came out, I was awarded.

I had a terrible break up and found the only real help by joining ALANON. Its designed for people in relationships with alcholics but they are the only group of selfish bastards who display the same behaviour as my wife did. (She is not an alcholic but she was leaving the children with her cousin, who had moved in to my house, while she was out every night drinking)

If you can keep your head clear and have an end game you will get through this better.

I found being reasonable did not work. Nor did screaming at her (hence getting arrested). The only thing that worked was when I accepted the situation that I had found myself in and stopped enabling her to be a selfish [censored].

When I worked on my own peace of mind and well being I was able to give up on re-running history or fantasing about what ifs or trying to control or fix what was happening.

I got organised. I gathered real evidence. I transformed myself from the angry wretch I had become into a confident, self-centered man and my plan was to reveal her for what she was while improving my status.

I kept a rough diary for my own twisted thoughts only and so as not to drive my family and friends insane.

I knew I would be judged at some point so I amassed an impressive file for official use.

Everyday I rang the police 101 non-emergancy phoneline and left a log as to the latest developments. The operators often told me it was not a police matter but I insisted and these logs of my fears of what she was about to do next showed I was not avoiding the severity of the situation, had nothing to hide and mostly came true showing she was being a sneaky manipulator.[invaluable]

I recorded every coversation with her on a dictophone a filmed her on a second hand IPod. This kept me calm and to the point and showed how unreasonable she had become.

By being calmer with her, she eventually confided in me even more evidence about her fathers bad behaviour. I did not need this as evidence in the end but I realised that the madness had come from there and it helped me forgive a little.

Things mellowed a little and a workable compromise was eventually reached earlier this year.

By keeping my head in the moment and living just one day at a time me and the children have a great life.

I am 5'6

Hi there

This is just awful for you and for the children too.

Has she officially moved out and in with her boyfriend? Is her address for the court different to the parents address where the children are staying?

Her parents do not have parental responsibility and you would have been within your rights to ask the police to accompany you to their house to collect them. Unfortunately as you are now progressing this through court it might not sit well with the authorities if you did that at this point.

You mention your 16 year old son and the fact that CAFCASS won't interview him.... Have you asked them directly to speak to him? If they won't reconsider then you can ask him to write a letter into the court that you can give to the judge. If he is being physically abused by his mother he could as.o report her to the police or social services.

km-[censored],

My Ex hates me with a passion & I've never done anything to her so I understand your situation

You have to question the mentality of a woman who settles down with someone & has children with them & then hates them like the devil

Hi Guys, thanks for your thoughts....... The main issue here i think is that no one in her family sees anything wrong (or voices) with her behaviour, they act like they are 100% sure nothing happened before i left even though it obvious to any monkey, but they are all like it to some extent so perhaps to judge her would be hipocritical.

We lived with her parents, she would never move out with me over 7 years regardless of how hard i tried one of the biggest problems was her mother who simply refused to allow it. Her and her mother have a relationship ive never seen, they simply refuse to let go of each other and the result was that constant interfering with our marriage, our children.

Our position os parent has been so compromised that we are no longer "in charge", to our kids, we were not the alphas..... often if the kids were misbehaving they would ignore us completely and the only way to get them to do as they were told was to get my mother in law to tell them. She seemed to think they were her children, not ours. It was a horrible situation and she always gave the impression we were incapable of parenting and would "not allow" us to take the children if we moved out...... so naturally my wife stooped to her authority and we didnt....

Every bit of behaviour, even now, my mother in law condoned, from the constant drinking, going out without me or the kids, going out with her while i played house husband, unacceptable flirting and finally even now her adultery (again) her mother has never said boo to a goose and said her flirting, for example, is perfectly OK, not out of order in the slightest..... i guess the apple never falls far from the tree....

Thats why now, even though she has moved in with this guy and left the kids, the mother in law is like "ok love you go do your own thing" and supports the kids (moans to everyone else about it) but wont get hold of her daughter and tell her to come look after after her kids.....

Its a mental situation. They are clever and calculating. My "wife" wont formally change her address she's not that stupid, so as i said they are just pulling the wool over the eyes of social..... (who make an appointment i might add, which is stupid, it's like making an appointment with a drug dealer to raid his house next week, and wondering why you dont find any drugs!!!)

All blame and venom is being directed at me to "save face" and because all the time they blame me i guess they dont have to blame their daughter. The accusations now are getting ridiculous and include harassment, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, facebook hacking, personal computer hacking (of her lover) phoning the school of HIS children apparently to gain personal information, Phone tapping, mobile phone tracking..... the list goes on and its just beyond phsycotic to be honest....

Its clear they are out to destroy me, and do anything before the child case comes to court to paint me a monster..... I surely wish i had never met my wife.

One person above said they had managed to get custody of his children, Please could you provide more details of the experience, i desperatly want this but am told it is extremely difficult despite her apparent abandonment, as her mother will cover for her (as she already is) with social....

Thank you

Hi mate,
Your situation mirrors mine so much.
My wife and I split in Feb but she didnt physically move out until June with the children.
I am convinced there is a 3rd party involved and have given her the opportunity to be honest with me but she denies it.
I only think like this as she became involved with two male colleagues during the course of our 20 year marriage. Two weeks after she left, I received a letter from her solicitor stating she wanted a divorce on the grounds of MY unreasonable behaviour. I was left speechless to say the least.

I sympathise with you regarding the hatred. I never could understand how two people that once loved each other and shared so much of their lives together could change so drastically towards each other. I now know it happens as I am having to deal with exactly the same situation. Joint friends seem to be siding with her. I don't see or hear from any of them. I can only assume she has fed them all with a pack of lies about me. I have a friend who occassionally drives by her house at random times (he works for a garage so often is taking cars out for test drives) to see if there are any vehicles there at regular times.

All you can do is continue to be there for your kids and demonstrate how good a father you are to them.

IMO, hating someone is a very strong emotion and it can arise out the lack of feeling of love that once existed - perhaps maybe even a defence mechanism from the rejection (and that rejection might even be the partner who was left/pushed out moving on with their life and meeting someone else - it can be very difficult for your ex partner to acknowledge that you have found someone better than she was. There could be a myriad of reasons, many of them completely illogical (and plain wrong) but that's the human race for you.