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In Dec 2009, my wife & I decided on a separation. She wanted a divorce, and I said.. fine, but you sort it.. she agreed.
Because of financial difficulties, I decided to stay at the home, and slept on my sofa for 18 months.
You can probably understand the stresses & strains of this situation.
Over our 17 year marriage, my ex had taken 4 overdoses, without any consideration of what affect it would have against any of her family. The first time it happened, I was working nights, and for some strange unusual reason, my job finished early that day... here now! I was shocked and stunned... I was suppose to finish my shift at 7am that morning, but as I said earlier, for some bizarre got home to find the lights on at 4am. I went into the kitchen to make a coffee, and saw my wife in the back room asleep on the sofa.
So I made my coffee, sat down and read a newspaper. Then I thought, I'd better wake her up, and go to bed...
When I walked into the back room, I discovered loads of empty pill packets .. I tried to wake her but couldn't... this was now starting to freak me out!
I tried frantically to wake her, but nothing was happening. I called for an ambulance... they arrived within minutes.
During this time, I had lifted her up, and was trying to walk her around the kitchen. The paramedics were brilliant, they took her to our local hospital, while I phoned around, arranging for a babysitter.
I went to the hospital, and sat with her, holding her hand until she came around. My first question when she woke up was 'Why' ?
I got no answer! A nurse took me to one side and told me... She is really lucky I found her when I did... another hour, and she wouldn't bizarre reason, it finished at 4am.
At the time, we had 3 young children at home.. they were 9, 4, & 2 ...... I couldn't understand what would possess someone to do something like that! We didn't have any financial problems, we were one of those nice families, that people wish for!
Anyway.. she finally come around, I asked her again.. Why? still no response... by this time, her mother appeared.. I told her what had happened, and I went outside for a cigarette.... then when I entered the building again.. I was stopped by 2 security guards... I'm sorry, but she doesn't want you here... I thought they were talking to someone else at the time... and then they both grabbed me, and marched me out of the hospital... I was livid! I couldn't understand what the [censored] was going on... but they stood at the door, and refused to let me in!
I went back home to my kids, sorted them out, and they kept asking.. where mummy... she's popped out, and I'm looking after you today... what else could I say.
I phoned the hospital about every 30 mins, asking How is she... but do you know when you the feeling that someone is fobbing you off.... so I kept on every 30 mins... Then my last call was around midday... she's checked herself out at 10.30am ... WHAT! it's now midday, and why didn't you tell me that at 11am when I called... FFS!
Anyway... I didn't see, or speak to her for a week.. she never came home. Everytime I phoned her mother, she was asleep.. what bollocks! I asked..why did she stop me entering the hospital... because I was asking questions!!!!!
In that week apart, I reflected on a few things... How can you respect someone, who has 3 beautiful children, a lovely home, and as far as I was concerned.. a good marriage... no financial problems.. and tries to commit suicide??? In a nutshell, you can't!
They must have some very serious issues, that me (her husband) is unaware of.
In the end, I found out the problem, especially after receiving 2 phone bills.. mobile and landline.. Totaling £547.. It turned out that she was having an affair, and he wanted to break it off.... It took me awhile to except this... I tried talking to her about her mistake, but didn't really get anywhere. I told her that we can carry on as husband & wife, and I forgave her... (Wrong thing to do)!!!
As the years went on, she had taken another 3 overdoses, became a heavy drinker (a bottle of Bacardi in 2 hours) 3 sometimes 4 times a week, she became so wreckless, abusive, and violent... I had to wrestle knives off of her, because she tried to stab me, and harm herself... she would go for a drive in the middle of the night whilst under the influence of alcohol, disappear for a couple of days, without any prior notice... To see someone you love go down hill like that was upsetting...she just became a living nightmare!
She convinced me to give up the family car, so she could have a smaller car, because I had a company van.
On 4th April 2011 at 1am, she left the house, drove 300 yards and wrote the car off. I was in bed at the time... I was woken by a police officer standing over me calling my name. I got up, went down stairs, and they asked me... where is your wife? as far as I knew, she was in bed. I asked.. how did you get in... the front door was wide open!
She had been involved in an accident... car written off... she was arrested for drink driving... 9 times over the legal limit.
That was the last time I had ever seen or spoken with her. She is now living in Kent with her boyfriend.
My youngest son, now 15, missed her... he use to visit her every other week, then in March 2012, he decided that he wanted to live with his mum, because he couldn't stand being away from her... I spoke with my solicitor about his wishes, but there was nothing I could do about it! I haven't seen him since he left, and he has since written to me saying, he no longer want me in his life!!!
Now she is trying to take my house off me... I use to get threatening and abusive text messages from her, telling me to just F*** off, and leave the house, so her and the boyfriend can move in!!! ( yeah ok) !!!! I never replied to any messages, and printed them all off for my solicitor to file.
She has been giving the other 2 kids a hard time... she has forced our eldest now 22, to move out of the home... he now lives with his girlfriends parents!
Yesterday 02/11/2012 I received a letter from my 3 children saying..
Dad,
We are all writing this letter to ask you, if you would consider moving out.
Together, all of us have, and still do disagree with your views and reasons for staying in the family home, and would very much like
mum and Jamie to come home.
We hope you will give this some thought, and not dismiss us and our request.
We would all like an end to this now, because it has been upsetting all our lives daily.
We hope you will agree.
Signed by all of my children.
She has obviously got to all of my kids now, and turned them against me.
I have tried my hardest to save my kids from all the pain I have suffered over the years, and this is what they think of me....
I am considering just giving up... I just cant take anymore of this.
To date.. the divorce has still not been sorted, even though I have signed two - 2 years separation forms.
Thank you for reading
Tony
Hi Tony and welcome 🙂
Could I ask, do you own the property?
This is a dreadful and distressing situation for you, to have your children taking sides after all this time must be so hurtful. You know its not as if they are children anymore, your youngest is still a minor but the other two are young adults. I find it strange that rather than talk to you about this they would choose to write you a letter! Have you responded to them yet? Rather than writing back, it might be better to get together with them and talk it through. Find out whats going on and the reasons behind their request. They need to understand that things just arn't as simplistic as they assume....its your home and has been for a long time.
They need to understand that you're feelings are hurt and that you have only ever had their best interests at heart. I wouldn't make any negative remarks about their mum, but try and make them understand you are a victim too! We all make mistakes and being a parent is one of the hardest jobs going! I'm sure you would have done some things differently in hindsight, just be honest with them.
If you love someone, let them go, if they come back they're yours forever and if they dont, it wasnt meant to be.... I guess what I'm trying to say iis if they want to go you must let them, because if they love you they will come back, but keeping them when they want to be free will only make matters worse.... I dont mean this in a literal sense, but maybe by making way for their wishes, they will realize that you really do want whats best for them.
Perhaps when all is said and done, a fresh start might be for the best....We are all frightened of change but often when changes are forced upon us, although at the time we fight against it, afterwards in retrospect it turns out to be the best thing that could have happened.
I wish you well with your decision and hope that things settle down and allow you to find some happiness and peace. 🙂
Thank you for your advice...
The house is in joint names, and mortgaged.
at the moment, there is about £160,000 equity on the property... and I'm sure she wants to sink her teeth into it.
I believe that the property, should be passed onto our kids when we pass on, but I can see an ugly outcome to this situation.
I just feel I'm on board a sinking ship.
Tony
Hi Tony 🙂
I feel for you and understand what a difficult time this is for you... As parents we all wish to leave our kids an inheritance. The family home used to be something passed down the generations, but I dont think it happens much anymore, except for the rich and the aristocracy! If your marriage had lasted until the end then its safe to assume that it would pass to your children, but that isnt the case for you now.
If you gave up and moved out do you think your ex would sell? Would she be in a position to buy you out? Are you in a position to buy her out? If you stayed and put it on the market yourself, you would at least be more in control of the outcome.... but if you stayed, it might alienate your kids and your ex would most likely demand her share of the equity, and if you didnt have it she would probably push to have it sold anyway, as part of the divorce settlement.
In my opinion, as she was the one to walk out on you and left you for someone else, she isnt in any position to dictate to you, and trying to get at you through the children is below the belt. Equally, your children arnt considering your feelings either. Maybe its time to put yourself first, if it were me I would sell, take my share and get myself a nice property somewhere else and move on with my life.
I appreciate this is all easier said than done, but it appears that you are being pushed to make a decision, what that is, is entirely up to you. In situations like this its either going with what your heart is saying, or what your head is telling you to do...and they are usually poles apart.
The decision is yours Tony, just take your time and think everything through, good luck with it all.
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