[Solved] Loyalty Conflict - school events

Your daughter is under pressure from the situation, and it's probably a case that if she shows you any affection, she might get some grief from her mother. My view is that you don't ask your daughter about it (that would increase the pressure) but before the next event, tell her that you understand it's difficult for her, and that you know she loves you, but she doesn't need to show it in front of her mother. You could possibly come up with some simple, subtle, and secret sign she could give you to acknowledge you, that her mother wouldn't realise.

Hello semifinalist87,

Within the last day or two my Son unexpectedly did attend a school event. His Daughter was with her Mother and Granny.
Throughout his time there, his Daughter looked unhappy didn't look at Her Father and dare not speak to him. The sight of my Son being present completely took the Mother and Granny by surprise and it was obvious his Daughter was being told not to speak, look at Daddy or have anything to do with him which she didn't. My Son stayed at the event and throughout there was no acknowledgement of his presence. What he went through personally did not cause him to be concerned for himself as his love for his Daughter and her love for him is so strong. However, he did find it upsetting and disgraceful that the attitude of the Mother and Granny caused so much hurt to his daughter. A few days after this, it happened to be his day for contact and a sleepover --- what happened --- she was the happy, loving little girl we all know her to be when with her Father. To my knowledge the school event was not mentioned by either of them.

It is most unfortunate for you that your daughter's Granny lives so close to the school but if you have a Court Order which states the day and time for contact and permission to collect her from school which is within your allocated time stated in the Court Order you can pick her up and go. In my Son's situation this is what he has done even though Mother and Granny have been there because it is his time and the other adults should respect this and not be there. If you do not have a Court Order then you cannot do it the way my Son has.

I personally would not ask your Daughter why she acts as she does towards you in the presence of the maternal family and neither would I comment to your Daughter about her Mother or Granny. What I would do, which I am sure you do already is have a lot of fun when you are together, give her all the love you have and talk about all kinds of things but not Mother and Granny. If she is use to talking openly with you when you are on your own together, she will talk about them when she is ready to do so. I have always believed the two most precious things you can give a child is your time and your love which can create a very strong bond indeed resulting in security for the child.

You do not say the age of your Daughter and whether you have a Court Order.

MotherofaFather - sorry to hear your son and his daughter have had to endure more hurt from Mother and Granny. What you described is again similar to my situation - once she is in my care alone, she is generally her usual happy self. There are moments though, which have been getting more frequent, when something will trigger my daughter to remember that mummy isn't around - it could be as simple as cooking her something for her tea that mummy wouldn't usually cook - and then she completely breaks down and is inconsolable. It's heartbreaking to witness. Her mum and her granny have a hold on her and they are encouraging her to be highly dependent on them - Granny did the same thing with mum, and in that relationship I witnessed a grown woman unable to be away from her mother for five minutes. It's also clear that my daughter sometimes feels guilty for having a good time with me. I personally think this comes from when I drop her back home. I get the impression that when my daughter tries to tell her mum about the lovely things she's been up to with me, her mum doesn't want to listen which then makes my daughter feel bad about having a good time. As well as the fact that her mum makes such a huge deal about my daughter leaving her side to come and stay with me - she speaks to her in a very sad tone, smothers her in kisses, tells her how much she'll miss her, etc, and she'll sometimes say things like 'and when you're back, we'll do x, y, and z, and loads of fun together!' - as if to say 'you're going to have a rubbish time with your dad, but don't worry because when you see me, things will be good again, and THAT'S how it goes'. My daughter has actually told me that mummy teaches her that 'mummies are the most important parent, so we must love them most'.

I do have a court order - we just got a new, revised order the other week as it happens, as I had to take my daughter's mum to court for a second time, for contact issues as well as lots of other breaches, and verbal abuse and harassment.

Mum and Granny watching me from the balcony was raised between our solicitors, and Mum said she would speak to Granny and ask her to stop (like she wasn't doing it herself too). That's as far as it went. During the court process it stopped, as I'm assuming they knew they'd get another solicitor's letter if they were caught, However, today when I picked my daughter up from school, Granny was stood on the balcony again. I knew this would happen. As soon as my solicitor's eyes were off them, so to speak, it would start up again, because as much as I tried, I couldn't get something about it included in the new order. I don't know if mum was there too, as I didn't have my glasses on, so mum's usual spot, hiding behind the glass balcony doors, was too blurry! They don't come down from the balcony usually, sometimes they pass by 'conveniently', but Granny's flat couldn't be in more of a prime position.

I have considered asking the school if I can pick up from the entrance on the opposite side of the building. Granny wasn't waving today, and so my daughter didn't notice her (unless she's been told rubbish about me forbidding them to wave, who knows!). It's hard to know if my daughter feels distressed - when they were waving, her distress was very obvious. I'm also unsure if picking her up from the other entrance, where none of her friends get picked up from, will actually make things worse, which is the last thing I want to do for her.

I don't have any plans to talk to my daughter about mum or granny, nor ask her why she acts towards me the way she does in their presence. As suggested, I may simply say something like 'I know things are a bit hard when me and mummy are both there at the same time, but I know you love me, so you just do whatever you feel is most comfortable'. What do you think?

My daughter is 6 btw.

Hello semifinalist87,

It is a most unpleasant situation that your daughter and you are placed in through no fault of your own as I well know.

When Mother and Granny are waving from the flat, they are on their own property and there isn't anything you can do about it. If they were on school grounds you could speak to the school and they then could ask them to stay away if it is in your time as stipulated in your Court Order.

As for picking your child up from the other side of the school building. This, I personally would not do.
If you decide to do that, I believe you will be encouraging Mother and Granny to continue to control the situation and they mostly likely will interpret your action as you not being able to cope with what unsavoury scenario they create but you can cope. I would wait with the other parents and when your daughter appears, I would look happy and immediately engage in continuing conversation with her whilst all the time walking away out of view of Mother and Granny. Ask her questions such as "how did you get on at school today?" "It's a lovely day, shall we have a picnic outside?" "What shall we have to eat for tea?" "Shall we get an Ice cream on the way home to Daddy's?"

Be confident and don't let the unreasonable behaviour of others cause you to deviate from what you know is reasonable, normal and sensible behaviour.

If your daughter cries, she will stop. Make the time she has with you fun and loving. You need to counteract the destructive influences coming from the maternal side of the family by being a better role model than they are.

I personally would not mention Mother or Granny at all to your Daughter. The more fun and love you have together will eventually create more security and a stronger bond between the two of you. I believe she will then eventually move from one parent to another without being overly upset.

My grandchild is the same age as your daughter and every time she comes to my Son's we always say, "it's lovely to have you home, " and when she leaves, I say "bye bye, see you when you come home again." She has always been told she has two homes, Mummy's home and Daddy's home. We never say Mummy's home and Daddy's house. She moves with ease between the two homes she has.

Giving your daughter security when she is with you and building up her self esteem is a great way to go. Have time with her when she can lead the play and just be herself having fun with you. Building memories of these special times together will increase your bond.
Praise your daughter for the behaviour that you want to encourage. Ignoring the rest is ok - giving her attention for person she is and the positive things she does will build her sense of self. Praise her for those good characteristics- she is loving, funny, caring etc
Be specific in your praise too. Saying she is a good girl doesn’t always let her know why. Saying something like
“Thank you for giving me a hug. You are so loving.” Or “Thank you for laying the table. You are helpful” will enable her to see herself as you see her. She can then appreciate those qualities in herself and see them in you too.
This will help her to be herself around you.
You can’t control what her mother/grandmother do but you can have a positive effect by what you say and do.
I hope things improve for you