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Hi, I am new here..And i apologise if my post is fragmented or if it is int he wrong section, i have a lot on my mind and just reeling off..
I have an issue with my ex and my visitation with our son (3yo). I have regular access to him, a weekend every fortnight which is great. There isn't a problem here with my ex not allowing me to see him. the problem is that the break up was more one sided, meaning i wanted to break up and she didn't. She was always a very controlling person in our 8 year relationship, we never married but lived together as married. She used to always have a say in what i did, when i did it and how i did it, hence the break up, i couldn't handle it anymore. When we first broke up it wasn't too bad, i saw our son almost daily as she only moved around the corner. This turned out to be worse than it seems, she was still in my life and still very much controlling. i have since moved away, still in the same city just a few miles further away.
The problem comes down to the time i spend with my boy. Every fortnight i pick him up from her house straight after work, im never late and never cancel. I relish the time i spend with him. Anyways, the issue is when i drop him back off, again never late (however iw as slightly early (15mins) this weekend and that is what started the problems this time). Straight away she ranted on about being early, and at first wasn't even going to take our son back, she threatened to close the door and i guess i would have had to wait 15 mins until she opened it again (and yes this is how childish she is). Well, we got past that hurdle and she started the usual asking what we've been doing, what he's had to eat. I kept what i said to the minimum, told her he had had breakfast and some dinner the night previously etc, didn't tell her where we had been or anything as this is where the problems arise. She insists on knowing every little bit of information of what i do with him at weekends. This goes as far as her texting me at his bedtime every night to make sure he's in bed, i have resorted to ignoring such texts now. The most recent issue is that we went to a friends house this weekend, who also has a son and they get on and play together (this friend of mine is female btw but just a friend). My ex doesn't like the fact i have a female friend and is basically telling me i cannot take him there any more, she also tells me i cant do a lot of things with him on my time. i am responsible guy, hard working with a decent job and i am more than capable of looking after my son properly and deciding what are good things to do with him in my time with him. She doesn't get this and still tries to control things. The advice i am after is if she has any rights to know or tell me what to do with him with regards to trips out etc...Obviously i would tell her if he had had an accident or been poorly or anything like that but i am just talking about activities, such as bbq's at friends houses with their kids, days out to the park etc.. She also always states that my weekends with him are time for me and him to spend together and shouldnt be spending it with other people, surely this isn't right? surely i can take him to see whoever i want as long as he is in no danger or anything like that.
She knows full well i am a capable, responsible father and this is just controlling and obsessive tactics and i do not know what to do to make it stop, i have tried the ceasing communication with her unless it is regarding our son only. This only makes her text me more about what i am doing with him every minute of the weekend...
i am contemplating mediation but i am not sure it would work with her, she lives in her own little world where if its not her way its not correct...and from what i have researched even things arranged in mediation and court orders can still be broken by the mother without to much reprisal from the system...
If she was a reasonable person i would be happy to tell her the fun we have at weekends and where we go and how happy he is but i cant because if she doesn't like it then all [censored] breaks loose. In the past we have had blazing rows and its been in front of our son as i have been dropping him off, this has stopped now because i try my hardest to keep calm although she makes me shake with anger most times the way she talks and the fact that there is no reasoning with her. i have resorted to filming drop offs as well as she wont speak out of turn then because she knows in her heart of hearts she is out of order.
So really if anyone can offer any advice on how to handle this and try and help me sort this out once and for all i would be most grateful.
Many Thanks
Hi there
Unfortunately there are no quick fixes when you are dealing with a controlling personality like your ex. As you were the one to end the relationship she may still have feelings for you and getting at you through your child is the only point of control she has left.
However you shouldn't have to put up with this and neither should your son. Even though you don't feel mediation will work its worth a try. At least you will be able to get your issues out in the open and hopefully, with the guidance of the mediator, open up a dialogue. Mediation doesn't always work though and the next step would be court.
I think it's a good idea to record drop offs, even more so if you enter into more formal solutions. It's not uncommon for controlling ex's to start making false allegations when cornered!
As far as the texting is concerned, you could buy a cheap mobile and give her this number as her point of contact. Then it won't interfere with your own phone and you can choose when to monitor it. It will give you back some control of the situation. Keeping a diary is also a good idea, it will come in useful should the situation escalate to court.
Best of luck
Hi There,
As Mojo has said there are no quick fixes and it will take time to get over these issues.
Your ex doesn't have the right to tell you what you can and can't do in your time with your son, and she also isn't able to say who you spend time with whilst you have him.
That said at the moment you are having good contact so you need to ensure what ever action you take doesn't effect your current level of contact.
If you challenge your ex, and I'm not saying you shouldn't as she is being over controlling, you need to be ready for the reaction of stopped contact which seems that the controlling resident parents seem to use as the last resort in keeping control.
I would write a letter and ask her to stop the level of questions you are asked, keep the letter polite and factual, steer clear of phrases like "I believe" and "I think" the sort of things that come across as an opinion rather than what actually happens.
When you drop your son back, tell her you have some concerns but because you want to not cause issues and for your son to witness them, you have written them down and hand the letter to her, invite her to respond in letter or email and hopefully you can move forward.
As said Mediation may help as the 3rd party can help keep the conversation calm and can also help explain that the level of info your ex is asking for isn't required, you are right in what you say it isn't legally binding but it can be made that way by a solicitor.
Your only other option is to attend court where a judge would make a ruling, but as you still have contact this would be extreme and I would also recommend if you can keep this out of court you would have a better outcome and better relationship (get on better) with your ex.
What I would say though is keep all txt, emails ect so you have a record of things sent too and from each other, make sure you keep what you send her as this will show full conversations without gaps. That way if you do ever end up in court you have records of what has been happening to lead you to this.
Hope this helps.
GTTS
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