Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hello,
Let’s set some ground work.
I'm 24, I have been married for 3 years to the girl I started going out with in school and have a 6 month old baby.
I started a new job in January and like to stay busy but like my own time.
The problem I have is that I don't seem to be part of any wife’s life since the day she said she pregnant. My wife is all about the baby and only speaks to me if she needs something or if she wants me to feed or bath the baby. The only time that I really see the baby is during the afternoons after work, when I and the baby are both tired and I’m expected to look after him, "'cause I haven’t seen him all day"
As I said I like to stay busy but she likes sitting in front of the TV which drives me nuts as she watches rubbish.
I bought a computer game the other day and she suddenly wants to use the laptop all of the time AND watch the TV, I complained so she sorted me an allotment, which is great but she now says that she wants me to help more and spend less time there.
Mentally I’m strained, I slept on the sofa last night and I didn't speak to her this morning as I didn't have anything to say.
This isn't what I signed up for.
Is this normal or even common?
Hi Morph
Welcome to Dadtalk and I hope you are going to find lots of support here. It sounds as if you are going through a tough time at the moment and it must be hard for you when you feel that you are not a part of your wife's life since she announced her pregnancy. There are a lot of adjustments to make after a birth and it can happen that a mother can become wrapped up in the baby to the extent where you feel ignored.
You have to talk to your wife about how you are feeling, don't let it fester because it will only create more tension between you. Offer to do some of the chores and offer to feed, bath your baby etc don't always wait to be asked. Your baby may only be a few months old but he will be picking up on the tension between you both which is not what you want.
Do you have close family or friends who would babysit for you now and again so you and your wife can spend some time together as a couple?
I hope things will soon sort themselves out, but do talk, communication is key.
Good luck.
thanks for the reply.
I do, do the house work. cook dinner and wash up most nights, hoover, even the ironing and i do feed and bathe the baby but she always implies that I don't do anything and she is the master of "ok when did you last do that" in front of the world. god nows what her mother thinks of me.
That is a good idea to go out though, might be a start.
Mikey's suggestion is excellent - you need to get out together, but don't expect to much to start with, your wife will probably be anxious about your baby so won't want to go to far or for too long for the first few times.
Mikey's suggestion is excellent - you need to get out together, but don't expect to much to start with, your wife will probably be anxious about your baby so won't want to go to far or for too long for the first few times.
going out shouldn't be an issue for her, she's been out before with her friends and for her perfume business without the boy.
Morph,
It's normal to feel a little pushed out during this period - The trick is to try to stay involved. Even though you feel tired after work, come home and offer to take baby straight away.
It is really easy to lose sight of the relationship you and your wife have when you become parents. Date nights for just you and your wife are a good idea - as long as you have someone to look after the little one of course
Hi Morph
To echo everyone else - Welcome to the site bro, it's great to have you here.
Wow so new job, new baby, only been married 3 years ... that’s a headfull. 😉
Mate couple of things I could say but sounds to me that the 2 of you just need to work on getting quality time together and building reciprocal forms of affirmation. When J came along I think life wasn't too hard for me and the Mrs but then H arrived things were different and I found working on my relationship with the wife was important. Getting time out the house, romancing, doing the unexpected was vital
If I ask you the question what is your love langue would you know what I mean? What I mean is how do you and your wife show and express love to one another. i.e. physical touch, gift, acts of service? My wife is all about gift, don't have to be big gifts just a £2.00 bunch of flowers, a tube of her fav lippy, a single choccy from Thornton’s etc - She is also about physical touch so I make sure I hug her lots, sit next to her and stroke her hair whilst she watches rubbish TV and man is her stuff rubbish! (Have you ever seen Gossip Girl or the Gilbert Girls!). In turn my langue is acts of service, so hoovering, ironing etc I feel loved and valued when she does that kind of stuff or if she cooks my fav tea. When we worked out what our love langue was communication got 100% better.
The other BIG piece of advice I give all dads is this - YES life is a tad unbalanced for a few year - As dads we def take 2 or even 3 or 4 place but it’s not forever so don't flip out, the grass isn't always greener! Find and engage with the adventure of being a Dad, continue to romance mum and things will get more balanced.
My youngest starts school fulltime in Sept which takes us as a family into a whole new season and frees up the wife a lot more to think outside the kiddie box - the time really has flown by and it will for you too.
Does your wife have other mates with babies, does she get out the house whilst your at work, does she have folk to talk to who have been there done that? Is she feeling isolated?
When you say she only talks to you when ....... do you truelly mean that she literally doesn't communicate with you on any level other than the baby? Or does it just feel like that? It would help to try and put things into prospective and getting to talk will help that.
Take the kid down the allotment on a saturday morning, you might find the wife comes too!
Computer games i would say r not the way forward coz it reinforces non comminication.
Re sleeping on the sofa - sorry to say this but to break the ice on that one you will have to apologise! i'm not saying you are in the wrong but dude as the guy you will have to step up to the plate on that one.
Start by saying sorry for the fact that you didn't go to bed last night and that you didn't talk this morning. 😉 Tell her that you are just over whelmed and if she butts in and gives it the whole "you're over whelmed what do you think i feel like..." just listen and let her fininsh and say " babe i'm sorry that you feel that way too, and lets get some time to talk about that but just right now can i tell you how life is for me coz i need to off load about life, work being a dad" Tell her that parenting is a whole new ball game and that you have found a website that is for dads and it gives you some great ideas etc, it will show her that you are embracing the role. Tell her that you love her to much to spend any more nights on the sofa and that when you married her you signed up spending every night together.
If she doesn't listen then go talk to her mum and try that avenue. Getting mother in law on side is better than having her against you. Don't get arguementative just explain that you feel tired and want to support your wife, does she have any ideas or wisdom to share! They love that question!!
Mate it will be OK but DON'T go home empty handed stop off at the supermarket and buy a HUGE bunch of flowers!! 😀
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.