[Solved] Elderly Dad for xmas every year

Hello paulfoel,

Tell your father you will have him Boxing Day this year and tell your brother that is what you are going to do and that the responsibility lies with your brother to cater for father on Christmas Day.

There is not anything wrong in being kind but firm with a person who is being unfair and unreasonable to you, your wife and children, meaning your father and brother.

No one has the right to spoil another person's day through being rude, selfish or awkward.

Go for the white lie - sounds reasonable to me - and just hope your wife isn't actually on call that day, so you can enjoy it.

Well thats the plan. BUT I wouldn't be at all surprised that when I mention it to my brother he'll say something like "I can't have him Im off to xyz on xmas day". And then Dad will just stay home on his own.

I know, I know. Its always me. Hes also got a sister and cousin who live locally. In the past, they've been great at phoning me and criticising saying "dad needs this and dad needs that", but they always disappear when help is needed.They wont step up.

Still makes me feel bad though doing this. He can be ok most of the time. But he can also be very selfish unfortunately. As I said, dear wife has put up with him for years to be fair to her. But last year he really pushed things. Last year I think I left the house at 11am got back at 12-30. Then he pretty much monopolised my time until leaving at 5pm. Drive him home, the spent an hour plus at his house because he was kicking off saying his legs were aching and he was going to call 999. I should have left him to it but stupidly stayed until he calmed down, so got home at almost 8pm. Wife was not happy - teenage son had been waiting all day for me to sort something with his xmas present. Like I said, I cant deny she has a point.

Like I said, brother lives a mile away, I live 25 miles away. Number of times I've asked brother and Dad if brother could, at least, pick him up and bring him over in the morning. Then I'd drop him home. But it never happens.

Hello paulfoel,

I stand by what I said in my previous message to you, have father on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day.

If you are open and honest with your father regarding having him on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day and also tell your brother, father's sister and cousin what you intend to do, they will be aware he will be on his own Christmas Day and between them, they could visit him even if none are prepared to have him for the whole day.

It's only July and I think if you get in first and are firm, then hopefully you can manage to have the day together this year. I do think you will have to be firm with everyone, especially your brother. Don't ask him, tell him......

Hello paulfoel,

I stand by what I said in my previous message to you, have father on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day.

If you are open and honest with your father regarding having him on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day and also tell your brother, father's sister and cousin what you intend to do, they will be aware he will be on his own Christmas Day and between them, they could visit him even if none are prepared to have him for the whole day.

Yeh fair point. BUT I can't say to him "Look Dad you were awful last year so I'm not letting you come over this xmas day". Might be right buy I'm not going to hurt his feelings like that.

It's only July and I think if you get in first and are firm, then hopefully you can manage to have the day together this year. I do think you will have to be firm with everyone, especially your brother. Don't ask him, tell him......

Trouble is I can 't use the "wife working over xmas" white lie just yet. In a few months maybe...

But thanks for all the replies. I do feel guilty about doing this to be honest but hes led me a merry dance over the years on xmas day. I hate xmas day because Im on edge thinking what hes going to do and upset my wife. I only ever relax when hes gone home. Apart from last year which was by far the worse, hes caused some real trouble on xmas day.

Some examples:-

1) Telling us his opinion that our kids were spoiled and we shouldnt have bought them what we did for xmas. My wife was not impressed.
2) Can't mention cats. He tells everyone the story about his cat when he was younger and how a dog "ripped it to pieces". This was during xmas dinner in front of my kids. Twice hes done this!

And as I said before, every year we have the "be here by x time" discussion. He never asked when is convenient he demands. Then I tell him no and hes then rude to me if I'm 10 mins after I said - he'll kick off saying "where've you been?" Then when I push back it ALWAYS ends with - WELL THERE'll BE OTHER XMASES TO SPEND WITH YOUR KIDS.

Its as if sometimes his attitude is that I've got to put him first.

Enough is enough this year because the stress makes me ill...

Sorry for the rant 🙂

Hello paulfoel,

With regard to your comment in reply to my message to you, you can't say to him, quote, "Look Dad you were awful last year so I'm not letting you come over this xmas day." You then say, quote, "I'm not going to hurt his feelings like that."

I would NEVER advocate hurting any persons feelings particularly that of vulnerable older people as I have too much respect for that age group and have cared and been an advocate for many in that sector.

Very often it is not what you say but how you say it.

I personally would make a sensible decision which is fair to all and if the conclusion I came to was that it was in everyone's best interest to have father on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day then that is what I would do.
I would say to him in a kind caring manner, "we would like you to come to us on Boxing Day this year because it would be better than Christmas Day."
Father may question you as to why, my reply would be, "there is a possibility this year that we may go out for the day so I need to keep the day free."

Hello paulfoel,

With regard to the your comment in reply to my message to you, you can't say to him, quote, "Look Dad you were awful last year so I'm not letting you come over this xmas day." You then say, quote, "I'm not going to hurt his feelings like that."

I would NEVER advocate hurting any persons feelings particularly that of vulnerable older people as I have too much respect for that age group and have cared and been an advocate for many in that sector.

Very often it is not what you say but how you say it. I personally would make a sensible decision which is fair to all and if the conclusion I came to was that it was in everyone's best interest to have father on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day then that is what I would do. I would say to him in a kind caring manner, "we would like you to come to us on Boxing Day this year because it would be better than Christmas Day."

Apologies M - I wasn't trying to infer that this is what you'd suggested at all. This is something that friends have suggested - be blunt!

I hear what you're saying. Not sure if the honest approach here would work. He'd want to know why he couldn't come xmas day, And then he'd say "well im off over brothers boxing day so why cant I come to you xmas day".

He doesnt do inconvenient very well. i.e. if he wants something done then he does not in the slightest think of anyone else. In his head, its my job to sort him out over xmas and my only job. Nothing else is important.

Not sure if I've said in any of my posts but in the past he's wanted me to drive 60 miles from work to pick him up to take him to a hospital appointment. His cousin had offered - "dont like to put him out", I'd arranged patient transport "they come a bit too early and pick other people up on the way", taxi (which I was going to pay for) "Taxis are a waste of money - not doing that"

But still he pushed and pressured and expected me to do it. Would have meant half day off (I dont get paid when I'm not there) so a bit more expensive that paying £10-£20 for a taxi. In the end I had to say no - he was not impressed.

MofF - you've got experience you say - surely this is strange behaviour.

Hello paulfoel,

I have to leave the house to keep an appointment but shall answer your message in more detail later in the day.

Father's behaviour is quite common amongst older people, it isn't strange.

Hello paulfoel,

In my message, not the last one but the one before that, I suggested you say to father about coming on Boxing Day because it would be better than Christmas Day. I added a further sentence a few minutes after posting which said, quote, " Father may question you as to why, my reply would be, there is a possibility this year that we may go out for the day so I need to keep the day free." My apologies, I didn't indicate I had made an addition to the message so I think you may have missed that bit.

Please do not interpret what I now say as being critical or judgemental. It can be extremely stressful dealing with an older person and the demands made of a particular family member, in this case you.

Why is it you? I believe it is because you do your utmost to meet his unreasonable demands and in so doing unwittingly feed the circle that exists, to a point where it has become a "demand and supply" situation which is not healthy for either of you. The circle needs to be broken and a sensible balance to your life introduced.
You have commitments and responsibilities to your wife, children, father, yourself, work and other people possibly. Consequently you cannot allow yourself to be consumed with worry for one person only or allow them to detract you from the attention others need from you and importantly the care you need to give yourself.

It is to your credit you care so much for your father. However, I believe you need to know when to say yes to him and when to say no.

Ask yourself each time when father makes an unreasonable demand of you or his behaviour is not good, if he is being fair and reasonable? If you think he is not, I personally would be very calm, kind, truthful and FIRM and say you are unable to do it but offer to make alternative arrangements. This he will accept or choose not to. He has been assessed as being mentally capable, therefore he is aware and it is his right to make the choice. Likewise, there isn't anything wrong in saying to him "I do not like you talking like that" (re.. dog killed the cat tale, told when eating dinner). To do this is not being unkind it is being fair and reasonable which I think is a good yardstick to use.
N.B. When saying this I am excluding there may possibly be an underlying medical condition which could in some cases manifest itself in a person appearing to be demanding or behaving in an unacceptable manner in which case medical help should be sought.

Children can "run rings round us" if we let them and so can older people too if we allow them to.

It is a very hard thing to say no and stand back from a situation but there are occasions when it is necessary.