[Solved] Dad living 130 miles away - HELP

Distance is a killer and really difficult for your daughter travelling that late, - can your ex not bring her up for when you finish work at 5 on the Fridays every other week and you return so your daughter is not travelling so late and you are not driving after working 8 hours these things will need to taking into consideration,

If communication does break down you may need to go down the mediation route this will always be what the courts would look for first so it’s worth looking into but hopefully you won’t need to,

2 weeks away from the mother at that age i do have to agree is a long time especially as she will be seen as the main care giver, i totally understand you want as much time as possible with your daughter but you may have more luck if you start by having long weekends, Thursday afternoon till Monday even , then over time you can increase the holiday time?

In these situations especially if your ex suffers from depression it might be wise as hard as it is to back off a little as you don’t want to make her feel like she is being pressured ,

I know i spend years tip toeing round my ex as she held all the cards but sadly that’s the way it usually is and they know it,
Maybe as her to email you what she would be happy with in terms of contact so you are not directly speaking you can keep it formal and have a record encase you need it for the future.

The first step should be mediation - www.nfm.org.uk - you may be eligible for legal aid for this (not for court) but it will be likely to be in or around Wolverhampton, so you are going to have to work around that I'm afraid.

My ex would not bring my Daughter for when I finish at 17:00pm, my Mum suggested to my ex that she collects her on the train on the Friday morning, but my ex blankly refused and said it is my responsibility for collecting my Daughter, no one else’s, I tried to explain the position surrounding working a full 8 hours then travelling for long distances to collect putting myself and my Daughter at risk, but my ex wasn’t having any of it, then says this isn’t personal, she’s thinking of our Daughter, but then again I won’t argue back, just said this is fine and we will keep it as it is.

It’s not 2 full weeks, it is a week in June and a week in September, but again my ex is refusing me access for this long, It will be a case of me looking to take long weekends as opposed to a weeklong stay.

I will start communicating via email, every time I ring my ex she looks angry, I face time my Daughter each day, so have to speak on this basis but in relation to arrangements, I will communicate via email.

Thanks for your advice guys, it’s much appreciated, I messed up, I admit that, my faults were cheating and treating my ex at times in a bad way by calling her names when we argued but we had happy years, just a shame it has come to this.

Sometimes it isn't clear cut who is to blame - you may have cheated, but sometimes that's because you couldn't find happiness in your relationship. Only you know the real reasons, and answering that question might be a good idea to help you to move on with your life.

I left 12 months ago, she and the boys are down near London, I'm staying with my parents in the Midlands, as I didn't have anywhere closer to go when I left.
I have been going down roughly every other weekend, around my work rota, but have until recently been staying at the marital home for the weekend, playing happy families while the kids are awake, then rowing til the early hours (or should I say her lecturing me on everything I've done wrong and what I need to change, then locking me out for a couple of hours).
Anyway, she and her resiliance worker have agreed that me staying there is too confusing for the boys - is daddy staying? - so this time I've had to book a hotel nearby. She won't let me bring them up here, as my parents are as much the enemy as I am, so I am completely at her whim...
I'm struggling with what to do, as I'm already sending her most of what I earn, so finding another job more local to her which would pay enough to keep paying her the same plus pay for somewhere for me to rent is going to be tricky, and then I'm no more sure she'll let them see me away from her if I do, particularly if I'm only in a shared house, rather than a place of my own.
And no she won't accept getting less from me so that I can pay rent, not least because she lost money when my debts got our house repossessed.

One thought for you - don't make too much of a thing of the danger of you driving that far after work, otherwise she might just decide that she's going to stop letting her daughter travel with you, but not come up with an alternative!

I would consider carefully how much you are paying her - I'd look at the CSA calculator and use that as a basis, any more is up to you depending on what you feel is fair with regards to the debts, but legally, you don't have to. There may be room for negotiation, and I think it is one worth considering mediation for.

I left 12 months ago, she and the boys are down near London, I'm staying with my parents in the Midlands, as I didn't have anywhere closer to go when I left.
I have been going down roughly every other weekend, around my work rota, but have until recently been staying at the marital home for the weekend, playing happy families while the kids are awake, then rowing til the early hours (or should I say her lecturing me on everything I've done wrong and what I need to change, then locking me out for a couple of hours).
Anyway, she and her resiliance worker have agreed that me staying there is too confusing for the boys - is daddy staying? - so this time I've had to book a hotel nearby. She won't let me bring them up here, as my parents are as much the enemy as I am, so I am completely at her whim...
I'm struggling with what to do, as I'm already sending her most of what I earn, so finding another job more local to her which would pay enough to keep paying her the same plus pay for somewhere for me to rent is going to be tricky, and then I'm no more sure she'll let them see me away from her if I do, particularly if I'm only in a shared house, rather than a place of my own.
And no she won't accept getting less from me so that I can pay rent, not least because she lost money when my debts got our house repossessed.

One thought for you - don't make too much of a thing of the danger of you driving that far after work, otherwise she might just decide that she's going to stop letting her daughter travel with you, but not come up with an alternative!

Oh mate that sounds horrendous, my situation isn’t as about as that, your ex sounds a complete and utter nightmare  feel for you mate.

My ex and I are not friends, I ring her to speak with our Daughter, she passes the phone to my Daughter etc, my ex sometimes speaks depending on her mood however it is usually chit chat, the ideaof me moving up that way is completely out the window, she doesn’t want that, and it would be impossible right now finding a job and accommodation with no savings, so i’ll stick to seeing my Daughter every other weekend and have longer weekends throughout the year, in the hope when my Daughter is older, my ex will allow me a week at a time visit from my Daughter.

In respect of the family thing, my family can’t stand my ex after what she has done but then again she doesn’t really like them and her family don’t like me and vice versa.

Mate, hang in there, as long as your boys know you love and care for them, keep in regular contact with calls etc, they will thank you for it when they’re older and able to make their own decisions.

Just an update lads, my ex and I have decided to give it another go, I feel blessed to have been giving one final chance to prove myself this time around, to cut out the nonsense and be a family.

I am delighted, so staying in Wales and still seeing my Daughter every other weekend, i'm working 12 hour days at the moment and usually around 15-20 hrs overtime at weekends I don't see my Daughter to save as much as possible for the move.

Thanks for responses in this topic, they helped

Hi Scott,
This is a mirror of my situation, I'm in Cornwall, son in London, she makes zero effort to meet me any distance to lessen the journey.
I just get on with it now!
What your ex said about two weeks being too long is reminiscent of my scenario. It just didn't add up and no matter how I asked or what conditions I offered, including her coming to stay (glad she didn't agree with that one!!!) she wouldn't budge.
She used the term, "it is in our son's best interests" often, a euphemism for what is actually in her best interests.
I was so fed up about it, I applied for a Court Contact Order, represented myself and won.
You could do this maybe? The only problem is that CAFCASS take zero risks. If the Mother claims it will be distressing for the child, CAFCASS will roll with that, evidence to the contrary is irrelevant to them.
So, what will happen is that you will get a review period with a couple of extended stays.
After that, you either reach an agreement with her and send it to the Court, or you go back to Court, demonstrate that there was no stress to your Child during extended stays and they will grant you your access for holidays.
Mine was trying to prevent more than 52 nights per year to claim more Maintenance, she failed. Is this what your ex is trying?

Well done for representing yourself. If you keep demonstrating that you want to see your son, there will come a time when he will make his own decisions and want to see more of you.

You definitely have a case for seeing him a week at a time in the School holidays. Just remember to get something arranged before the ex maps out your son's holiday time and then claims he cannot stay with you as he has "commitments" at her house.
Agree with you re CAFCASS - absolute waste of space.

feel for you mate im in southwales and my 2 kids are 220 miles away . get it set in stone though court if ya ex a pain. ive left it far to long but my only option now.
lugo