[Solved] Can somebody give me some advice please?

Hi there - I'm sorry to hear about your situation. What country are you in? This will affect how you respond.

Before I respond to each question in turn, let me start with a word of advice based on the fact that you seem to be trying to "get out". The grass is NEVER greener on the other side. If you're not sure about a relationship and you've tried everything else, fine - sit on the fence for a bit. But don't, I repeat DO NOT go off with someone else while this is all going on. It will completely cloud your judgement and your mind will play tricks on you. Go single for a bit, live alone, live with a relative - just don't go and find a female shoulder to cry on. It could ruin the rest of your life, harm your child, ruin your career, and leave you mentally scarred. Try your very best to mend this relationship. You said your marriage vows (in sickness and in health), and you've brought a child into the world. All of your energy needs to be spent on trying to sort this out. What help does she need, what are her grievances, have you been to counselling, are family involved, is she unwell, can you get time off work to figure things out? Explore every avenue. It might takes months if not years. But to walk away now without trying everything is NOT the solution. Marriage isn't all champagne and roses. It might be absolutely sh@t at the moment. But the alternative, if you've not sweated spinal fluid to try and fix it, can be infinitely worse.

That said, here are a few pointers.

Can she really expect to keep the car that is registered in my name and sell hers?
The registered keeper is not the same as the legal owner. If you're the one on the consumer credit agreement and you are paying for it, a court would reasonably conclude that you are the owner. However, as you're married (I think), this counts as an asset and liability, meaning that it would be for the court to decide who gets what. They would almost certainly not give the car to her but make you pay for it though.

- Can she sell my things and I can't do nothing about it? (I have receipts for most items)
Depends what she's trying to sell. If you're really concerned about this, you need legal advice quickly.

- Is she just saying my child is not bothered about me for a reaction? I believe it is because she is/was quite close to me but she has seen a lot of arguing between us too which is one of the reason I wanted to split.
It depends how old the child is. If they are very young, in reality they won't be bothered and they won't remember much of this. Of course, they will notice you not being there, but they will respond differently to say a teenager.

- What is the best/quickest way to get a divorce? I don't want nothing from her apart from my personal belongings and to see my child
See a solicitor, if you really have to, but focus on sorting the problems out first. You will probably have to try mediation first anyway.

- How do I request to see my child when I am back in the UK? She tends to use the child as a weapon to get at me and will expect (if I can see the child) that it is on her terms and I won't allow this, its needs to be mutual.
You won't like me for saying this, but until there is a Contact Order in place, prepare for things always being on her terms. Of course, it would be great to be arranged mutually. But, if you're giving up on your relationship, expect contact to be cancelled at the last minute, changed at the last minute, shortened, everything you can think of to disrupt your life. And you won't be able to do ANYTHING to stop it. Don't forget, you're the one leaving, not her. She's the one waking up in the night to comfort the child, feed them, get them to school etc etc. Don't expect things to go your way - you then won't be disappointed. Prepare for the worst.

- If I need to get a solicitor, does anyone know any decent companies that don't cost an arm and a leg?
You get what you pay for.

- I have video, voice and images to prove the physical and mental abuse, should I keep these, will they help?
Of course you should, but perhaps your wife needs help, not dragging through the courts. Treat the cause, not the symptom. People aren't just abusive for no reason - there's normally a pathology behind it. She needs help. You know her better than anyone and could be the person to save her.

I hope this has been useful. It must be awful what you're going through and I hope everything works out for you. Please keep us updated.

Hello,

Thank you for taking time to respond, I appreciate you're comments.

I firstly don't expect to be moving on with someone else anytime soon.

This is not the first time this has happened, it has been going on for far too long now and I am not willing to stay in an abusive relationship anymore regardless of the vows I said. I have been to counselling before on my own and when I requested for us both to go, she refused.

Sorry I should have said - I am the legal owner of the car

She is trying to (or has) sold my PC which has confidential/sensitive information contained within and a few other items which are replaceable

I am working on getting a solicitor to find out what they best way is to go about all this. My child is younger than 10 and your right, it will more than likely have to be on the ex's terms until I get a solicitor.

Yes she needs help, she has admitted needing help but that is only something she can do unfortunately and so far she hasn't done anything about it.

Again thank you for responding, I will do my best to keep you updated on the situation.

Sometimes enough is enough and if you've been enduring physical and emotional abuse for a long time and she has continued to refuse seeking help then I don't see that you have any other choice.

It's never wise to get caught on the rebound, but I think you realise you've probably got some healing to do before you're ready to move on with someone else.

If you are the legal owner of the car I don't see how she can sell it, is she in possession of the log book? A solicitor should be able to advise you but it's will be difficult to get at your belongings even with legal advice.... maybe a solicitors letter might do the trick.

You could try calling the police and asking them to attend the property with you to collect your belongings, I seem to remember other members doing this in the past, but I also recall the police refusing
to accompany members ....I guess it's a suck it and see situation.

I think she's most likely trying to hurt you by saying your child isn't bothered...I'm sure that's no true! As you have already stated, she uses the child as weapon, this is more of the same.

It's probably better to start the ball rolling as far as contact with your child, you would first need to attempt mediation and if that fails the mediator will sign off the form to enable you to make an application to court for a Child Arrangements Order.

All the best

Hi Mojo,

Thank you for sharing those comments.

Yes healing will take me some time but I will do it, I just want to do everything the right way and be the best dad I can be to my child.

I am speaking with somebody tomorrow so hopefully they will be able to shed some light on the situation.

Yes as I say my child is under the age of 10 and we have always been close. I have always been there apart from when I have had to go away with work but even then we stay in touch via video calls and I made sure I was home most weekends.

My child has a phone that I bought her so I could keep in contact while away but I think my ex partner now has control of the phone to stop the contact. It's frustrating because she is using our child as a medium to try get a reaction out of me, while not knowing what this could do to our child. So in regards to contacting my child, its just not possible at the moment, even if I phone my ex's phone she will not put her on.

Let's see what the information I get tomorrow and hopefully I will know the best way to proceed.

It never ceases to anger me when these women use a child to get back at the father, they seem oblivious of the damage it can cause.... that's why I think it's best to get contact arrangements in place as soon as possible after separation, to try and avoid distressing the child any more than they have to be....

Best of luck for tomorrow.

Hey,

So I have received some information over the weekend about my situation. I am not putting plans into place to get a solicitor involved.

I have cut contact with her now! She continues to be abusive and even got my child (whos not even 10) to send me a voice message saying i'm pathetic. This really angered me and upset me at the same time that my child is now being used to try and get a reaction from me, God knows what else she is telling my little one. Has anyone else ever experienced this? how do you deal with something like this?

It's a difficult one, you could address this behaviour in the family court, if you are planning to make an application for contact when you return.... other than that I don't know what to suggest, you could call Social Services when you get back and share your concerns for your child with them, although whether they would act on it is an unknown I'm afraid, some local authorities are very good, whilst others not so. Getting a child to participate in attacking their father in this way is a form of psychological/emotional abuse.

Hi WizKid,

I'm glad your getting out of the relationship.

your ex sounds somewhat like mine..... from your first post it instantly rang controlling..... my ex learnt that by taking my kids away from me when i had planned something with them that she could get a reaction of me several years ago, this will not change now you've broken up.... mine just black mailed me over Easter using the kids..... trouble with my ex is that when things become stressful for her she becomes domineering, when i stopped responding to this she became controlling and manipulative to get the responses from me...... now that we're no longer together my children and the things going on in there lives are used as weapons..... drip fed info on parties, cancellation of clubs without notice, new clubs arranged and starting on day of contact with me, phone call times repeated changed at last minute, black mailed over holidays.... the list just goes on and on...... leaving you with the option of either continuing to accepting her dictations, or essentially walking away. you've seen the light but your daughter is going to suffer because of this..... speak to the kids school teacher and then head, let them know the situation that you've split and keep in touch with them for updates, this is a helpful way to monitor your child's well-being without the need to go to your ex, keep monitoring your child for changes especially if they are used as a pawn, this is going to affect them emotionally, prepare yourself too for rejection if your daughter takes the side of her mother. There are a number of resources online and in books about how this may affect your daughter with stories and children views, these are well worth reading and getting an idea of some of the issues and problems they have. let your daughter know about 'Relate' who do a free chat with a trained Councillor for people and young people if she needs to talk to someone 'independent'.

Hope your able to sort something out for your daughter.

all the best

Hi, thanks for replying.

I plan to address everything in the family court, it seems to be getting worse on a daily basis. If there is one thing I can not stand, it is women that use children like bargaining tools to get reactions from the other one. You are right, it is a form of psychological abuse, I am so close to calling the social services if things don't improve. On the plus side, I am gathering everything required for the solicitor.

It's a difficult one, you could address this behaviour in the family court, if you are planning to make an application for contact when you return.... other than that I don't know what to suggest, you could call Social Services when you get back and share your concerns for your child with them, although whether they would act on it is an unknown I'm afraid, some local authorities are very good, whilst others not so. Getting a child to participate in attacking their father in this way is a form of psychological/emotional abuse.

Hey,

Thanks for commenting!

I read your post and can relate. My ex is still sending abusive text messages, she can no longer message me via social media platforms because I have blocked all forms of communication. The only reason I have not blocked the phone number is so that there is still a method of contact should anything need to be passed onto me about my child. However this is proving difficult because of the abusive messages that still happen. I have found that by not responding she continues to send messages either about my child or abusive towards me for a response (this sounds like the point you mentioned when you stopped responding). To be quiet frank, I think in this situation if you respond it continues and if you don't it will continue.

My child is already becoming a victim of physiological abuse, I just hope that when all is said an done, she is punished for her actions, no child should have to suffer because of two parties but unfortunately this is something she does not understand.

I did what you advised today and spoke to the school head about the current situation and my concerns for my child. They were really helpful and said they would keep an eye on my child. They also took alternative details for me and said they could send me her reports and progress information too which is really good so thank you for that suggestion.

Do you have to hand the titles of those recommended books?

I doubt I will be able to recommend relate until contact has resume, which is more than likely by going through the courts now but as soon as I can I will look into this.

Again thank you for taking time out to write this post.

Hi WizKid,

I'm glad your getting out of the relationship.

your ex sounds somewhat like mine..... from your first post it instantly rang controlling..... my ex learnt that by taking my kids away from me when i had planned something with them that she could get a reaction of me several years ago, this will not change now you've broken up.... mine just black mailed me over Easter using the kids..... trouble with my ex is that when things become stressful for her she becomes domineering, when i stopped responding to this she became controlling and manipulative to get the responses from me...... now that we're no longer together my children and the things going on in there lives are used as weapons..... drip fed info on parties, cancellation of clubs without notice, new clubs arranged and starting on day of contact with me, phone call times repeated changed at last minute, black mailed over holidays.... the list just goes on and on...... leaving you with the option of either continuing to accepting her dictations, or essentially walking away. you've seen the light but your daughter is going to suffer because of this..... speak to the kids school teacher and then head, let them know the situation that you've split and keep in touch with them for updates, this is a helpful way to monitor your child's well-being without the need to go to your ex, keep monitoring your child for changes especially if they are used as a pawn, this is going to affect them emotionally, prepare yourself too for rejection if your daughter takes the side of her mother. There are a number of resources online and in books about how this may affect your daughter with stories and children views, these are well worth reading and getting an idea of some of the issues and problems they have. let your daughter know about 'Relate' who do a free chat with a trained Councillor for people and young people if she needs to talk to someone 'independent'.

Hope your able to sort something out for your daughter.

all the best

It's always sad to hear of children being used as weapons in situations like this You have to do a driving course and a test before you can legally get behind the steering wheel of a car - I sometimes think there should be at least something along these lines before you can become a parent.

I'm sorry you're having to endure abusive messages to ensure the lines of communication with your child remain open. Make sure you keep them - they may prove of some use when (as seems most likely) you pursue this through the courts.

Best of luck.