Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi guys, first time posting on here but have been reading on and off for a while now.
Long story short, my partner of 5 years and mother to my 6 month old boy doesn't get on with my parents. My parents emigrated to America around 7 years ago and have never spent much time getting to know her. We skype/FaceTime on a frequent basis and seem to get on. Problems started when my partner had a miscarriage a couple of years ago, we were both understandably devastated. They knew about it and were sad for us wished us well etc. couple of months we picked up a couple of kittens and my parents reaction was along the lines of "substitute for a baby" now that was a little sore to hear but let it be.
My partner and I went through a rough patch and I confided in my parents. Their reaction wasn't the best, better off without etc
Eventually my partner caught wind of that and rilled her right up.
Her family are very close and they are all good friends. My family are distant but when we get together it's like we've never been apart. A difficult contrast as it is never mind throwing my young son into the equation makes it look like my family couldn't give a monkeys about him.
With my parents being in the states they don't/can't visit on a regular basis so online chat is really all we have.
This isn't good enough for my partner or our son.
What can I do? Stuck between a rock and a hard place!
Hi there
...it's hardly surprising that your partner feels the way she does, having found out about the way your parents felt about her.
It's a difficult situation and one that isn't going to be solved any time soon...your best ally is time here IMO. I would try and talk to your parents about the issues as they were kind of responsible for them. Perhaps if you can talk about it they may try and start. To build some bridges.
It's difficult as they are across the pond, but perhaps they could make an effort to include their new grandson more...sending little gifts and more contact on a regular basis. If at all possible an apology and wishes expressed to start again and build some bonds....it's never too late.
Thanks Mojo, things came to a head last night both between my parents and I and my partner and I. Trying to get everyone to see the bigger picture doesn't seem to be working.
Asked my parents to show more of an active interest in my son on a day to day basis and got back something along the lines of 'we're not that interested in if he's had a biscuit or how much his gums are bothering him. Rather see him progress and grow, that's what we are interested in' now I can understand maybe the little things are a bit mundane but surely that's what give you an idea as to how he is?!
My partner wasn't happy with this either and was really upset by it.
Decided we're going to try and keep quiet for a few weeks, hoping the lack of contact with my parents will ease the stress levels between my partner and I.
Don't want to exclude them from my sons life but it's effecting us more than i everthought it would and I need to look out for my son
Ok...for what it's worth....
My entire family lives abroad....and visits either way are/were sporadic.
Back in the day, a phone call abroad would cost a huge amount of money and hence it was
limited to once a month or thereabouts.
My 3 sons have more or less grown up without their grandparents, who due to the distance only
played a peripheral role in their lives.
Strangely enough, my daughter-in-laws father moved to the US and has since become a granddad to
2 beautiful little girls but only sees them on Skype or when he comes back to the UK every 18 months or so.
I personally have the view that by living abroad you have a different lifestyle and circumstances and it is very hard
to bridge the gap. My life is here, with my children and grandchildren.
Obviously I would like to see my family more often but that's not going to happen.
And yes, when we meet up it's like I have never been away, but I have come to accept that we do lead different
lives and that they can't be as involved in mine or my children's life's as I/we would like them to be.
Take care
Kirsten
...I feel it would be a mistake to allow your parents attitude to create problems with your partner. I think your priority has to be the well being of her and your new baby, if your parents want to be a part of that then great, but if they don't then let them get on with it!
I speak as a grandparent and with modern technology there's no excuse not to get involved, my daughter and son send me little videos and photos almost daily and it costs nothing to respond with a sentence or two....I find your parents attitude hard to understand, I think those little everyday events are all a part of forming a bigger picture....life isn't always about the big things, it's those little "inconsequential" things that put a smile on our faces!
It's their loss, but if I were you I wouldn't get wound up about it any more.... It is what it is, leave the invitation to get involved open but get on with enjoying your life with your partner and child. 🙂
I agree with NJ - much as it is hard for you, your parents took the decision to move to the USA and you are having to live with the consequences of that. Your priority is with the choices you make, not the choices they make, and that means your partner and son come first.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.