Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hey guys,
First off, this forum is so important. 98% of information out there is written for women (and often by women. I found a reddit thread of someone sharing my predicament, and all of the reactions to his thread were made by women!! But let me dive into it.
I really wanted a girl and now it's a boy. I'm disappointed. I really deeply don't want a boy. This has everything to do with my relationship with my father and me not liking traditional boy-things. I know I was a disappointment to my father. He liked it all: mechanics, DIY, cars, sports, gardening, fishing, outdoors -- I like NONE of that stuff. It was very hard for us to spend time together. And I don't see myself doing any of those things with my kid either.
Also, I was a teacher for 10 years. I really do not care for most boys' behaviour. It's appalling to me now as it was to me when I was a child. There's a few things I can chuckle at, a few things I did myself, but nothing I am particularly proud of or happy with. Now I'm going to get a kid who is going to do all that, and probably more if he's more into boy-ish behaviour - and I'm afraid I'm not going to be too great at coping with it.
For many years I thought I would be OK with having children, as long as I was going to have a daughter. I looked forward to that so much. I realize I am also grieving for things I won't have. I'm afraid to have more than 1 child now as well, because while I really didn't want a boy, I definitely don't want TWO! I'm instantly ~60% less interested in this pregnancy. I feel like I clocked out. I want to take my responsibility. I don't want to mess this child up because I don't want him. I've been told so many stories about "when your child is born, that first time he grabs your finger, there's no feeling like it" and all I'm thinking is: I will still never know that feeling, because I know I won't feel like this because of its gender.
I appreciate all advice saying "talk to someone" - I know that, that's what I'm trying to do right here and I'll find other places to - but I am really hoping to hear from other fathers who might have experienced something similar. Are my fears going to manifest themselves, are they going away, are there things you did to overcome them and all that? Or if nothing else, it might help to know you are or were feeling similarly; or if you are in this situation also, to let you know you are not alone.
I can say from personal experience, I also really wanted a girl. In my case I got lucky, but I think now (a few years later) - it really didn't matter. The bond with your child is based on a lot more than activities that tend to be associated with a particular gender. Sure, that stuff probably will be a part of it, but we don't have to have all the same interests as our kids. Anyway, the point is, you might feel disappointed now, but I'd try to keep an open mind about it, and even though it might not seem like it now, I'm sure it'll all be fine in the end.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.