TOPIC: unloved and hated in marriage

unloved and hated in marriage 2 years 3 months ago #65509

Sorry I wasn't on last day or so, been up and down again on the roller-coaster..

I gave her the proposals with a mail explaining how I have felt and now feel, to clear my head and draw a line.
She seemed upbeat for the first time and later mailed which option I preferred, I suggested an option that wasn't on the list, we draw a line through it all, we take our children, go to Gretna where we wed, and re-new our vows, start a new life, sell home, move, car, everything fresh...
Did I get a shocking response!!!

So now I know it's finished completely, I still think something changed when she went out, the day after we were intimate and its been cold since, maybe I am being rejected for her guilt??

Either way I am now done, I have been had costing advice from 2 solicitors, valuation of home, I am looking at a rental tomorrow..everybody who knows and speaks says I now need to think of myself..

And like a bolt from the blue, I may have the opportunity to relocate many many miles from here..
That's going to affect my children and put her under a lot of pressure but cant live near here, imagining anybody being intimate with her, and how much more of me do I loose over the next 10 years, I think I need my life back, a new life, a new everything....

If what I have done and put in isn't enough, why bother anymore???

Fishing was OK, took children after school, my son caught a whopper!!!
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unloved and hated in marriage 2 years 3 months ago #65511

Morning,
.
Moving on is good, but be careful how far you move not being able to see your children will give you a greater pain than seeing her move on, it may not feel that way now, bit when you move on and get yourself a new social life then what she is doing won't bother you, but not seeing your children as often as you would like will.

You do need to look after yourself and it sounds like you are thinking long term which is good but don't make any rash choices.

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unloved and hated in marriage 2 years 3 months ago #65547

Hey, I've been following your thread but haven't commented. Great to hear that things are coming together for you.

I do agree with GTTS though about moving away, not a decision to be taken lightly, you will move on emotionally from her but not from your children. Well done and good luck with it all.
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Mum and Step Mum, supporting my partner through the Family Court maze. I feel passionately about children having a right to a relationship with both parents and am currently in training to be an MF.
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unloved and hated in marriage 2 years 3 months ago #65549

Well, the end is near!
Viewing property today, have valuations booked, have quick sale price aswell..
She is still coming in and having a go, then bathing and going to bed, it don't matter if I go out to give her space or I don't, she acts the same..

She speaks in a morning, goes out earlier and earlier, comes in later and I am trying not to look back but I am certain that something happened with somebody on that night out! Now I'm being punished because she finds it easier to deal with it like that, plus she knows me!!!

I have mailed, I want her proposal and I want to get on, I actually want to leave, now would be ideal! She wants freedom, I will give her freedom...

Going join gym today, get myself a bit of healthy social life!!!

Chin up!!!
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unloved and hated in marriage 2 years 3 months ago #65559

Morning,

WELL DONE you have made such big steps forward in what is probably just over a week, going to the gym will help you in so many ways, you will feel better about yourself and you will sleep better too.

Keep moving forward, there will be down days but it seems like you are in a much better place to be able to handle them now, plus we are all here for support.

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unloved and hated in marriage 2 years 3 months ago #65587

Yeah man that's the spirit good on you, you sound more up beat going to the gym and sprucing yourself up works wonders, if you can get yourself away for a couple of days on your todd that will work wonders too :)

You're initial post sounded like exactly the way I felt last year I started the exercise bought some new clothes and started getting out and about a bit more it done me no end of good things did still get on top a little so I buggered off to dj in the balearics for the weekend it was amazing getting away from it all and doing something I love and what a confidence boost, I must admit the ex wasnt too happy about it like! hahahaha! :)

Keep plodding on mate :)
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I'm no way trained in Family court matters so don't take my ramblings as gospel but I've been through the Court mill and learned so much along the way I just like passing my experience on to other Dads who face this absolute nightmare from hell, you might not be able to beat the system but don't let it beat you :)
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unloved and hated in marriage 2 years 3 months ago #65624

Had a really good talk last night, cleared the air,not too much looking back but looking forwards.
I have to admit we drifted apart, life dragged us down, no two ways about it..
I am finding it hard she has stopped loving me as I never will her, I just have to look into her eyes to know that.
I deep down believe she does still love me but I know why she wants to contain and hide it, she wants a fresh start, and doesn't want me changing her mind.
I think she is right in that respect...
I suppose separation might bring us closer together one day but I can't think like that..
Although it is very difficult, maybe it was easier to blame her, think the worst, even start to hate..
I even told her she deserves to be happy, I was so sorry I couldn't make that happen..
As Violet kray said in the film 'its not possible to love someone too much, but it is possible to love someone in the wrong way'...
As you can tell I am having a down day..

We have agreed the children, selling house. What to split etc so I need to focus on preparing it for sale.

Then look at the hard part but not yet, another day at a time..
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unloved and hated in marriage 2 years 3 months ago #65628

Morning,

I think your right when you look back over the past months/years I bet you will see that there were signs that things weren't working, but it's taken this to realise it, I would imagine that she does still love you, those feelings don't just go away, but they do change, the way she loves you won't be the same, and no matter what you think now, you will change the way you love her too, this will take time but it will happen.

I'm glad you are managing to talk and get some things agreed, take things slowly and if you need any advice on the agreements feel free to ask, if the detail would mean giving too much and that would possibly mean that if anyone who knows you stumbled across your post would know it was you then send them to me in a private message I can share them off line with the other moderators and we can help and advise you. That said as long as you don't give exact details you should be ok posting them here.

Keep your chin up and tomorrows a new day

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unloved and hated in marriage 2 years 3 months ago #65638

Had a really good talk last night, cleared the air,not too much looking back but looking forwards.
I have to admit we drifted apart, life dragged us down, no two ways about it..
I am finding it hard she has stopped loving me as I never will her, I just have to look into her eyes to know that.
I deep down believe she does still love me but I know why she wants to contain and hide it, she wants a fresh start, and doesn't want me changing her mind.
I think she is right in that respect...
I suppose separation might bring us closer together one day but I can't think like that..
Although it is very difficult, maybe it was easier to blame her, think the worst, even start to hate..
I even told her she deserves to be happy, I was so sorry I couldn't make that happen..
As Violet kray said in the film 'its not possible to love someone too much, but it is possible to love someone in the wrong way'...
As you can tell I am having a down day..

We have agreed the children, selling house. What to split etc so I need to focus on preparing it for sale.

Then look at the hard part but not yet, another day at a time..
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unloved and hated in marriage 2 years 3 months ago #65639

Just a quick bit of advice please....

I am having children 3 days then working 3 days etc etc so the weeks care is split 4/3 nights, therefore she keeps the child benefit.
I have offered the maintenance of £273 a month based on gov.co website.
I know she will get tax credits/working tax credits as she works full time and earns 15k.

Problem I have is the kids go into school breakfast and after school clubs, cost of the agreed care will be £200-£250 a month, she is expecting me to help and pay half..
I don't want to not support the children and I think my offer of care is very very fair as they could be in club care more, plus it gives me no time to myself, work, children,work, children, day shift and night shifts!

She will get her weekends free but should I be prepared to pay half of child care, I thought that was working tax credits responsibility???

Thanks again
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unloved and hated in marriage 2 years 3 months ago #65640

Hi all,

Just another quick bit of advice please if you can,

I have paid holding fee to secure a rental property, I have sourced the funds to pay the remaining end of July.
My dilemma is,
Continue in my home, until the sale goes through, we then split equity and I am allowed to claim back.my moving costs n rental, deposit etc before the iva fund takes 50% of the remaining pot. This enables us to live all together and have spare money split equally until the sale completes.

Or do I move into the rental and pay my half towards mortgage, secured loan, and give her child maintenance £273.
She then needs to find the rest!!!

Problem is I then loose and move out, which is what she wants!!
Staying put makes her life at home uncomfortable, and I don't look like I run off...
Plus I see my kids, although, news on the rental is it is just around the corner!!!!!!!! Lol
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unloved and hated in marriage 2 years 3 months ago #65644

I'd take advice re the IVA and costs as that's a specialist area.

With regards to maintenance, what you pay covers everything, including childcare costs etc, so you aren't legally obliged to pay any extra at all - whether you do is up to you.

However, it might be worth some negotiation as to the split in childcare. Starting with child benefit - at present, your wife will get £20.70 for the first child, and then £13.70 for each additional child. If one of your children lives with you, then both of you get £20.70 per week. It's perfectly legal, and gives you an extra £7 per week. It would, of course, mean that you'd need to come to a private arrangement regarding maintenance, but it could mean extra money for her without costing you a penny extra.

I'd also look at child tax credits if you have one of your children - it's been a long time since I looked at these, so I'm not sure of the current rules, but if there is an advantage to you both claiming rather than one of you, then again it's extra money towards the children.
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I am not qualified in family law, or other area of family matters. I am simply a dad who has been through the mill. Any opinions I give are my own, and any advice should be checked before acting on it.

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