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Hello Everyone 🤗,
As the father of two children, ages 4 and 6, I've recently had to deal with some sibling rivalry issues. My oldest child is beginning to act out in response to what she perceives to be the younger child receiving more attention. Frequent disputes and even quite intense tantrums stemmed from this, particularly from the older siblings.
I make an effort to give them both plenty of quality time, but it seems like they perpetually vie for my attention. Because they are by nature more demanding, the younger kids tend to make older ones feel excluded. I'm concerned that this might have an adverse impact on their relationship and their emotional growth.
I've experimented with a variety of tactics, such as designating particular periods of time for every child, encouraging group play, and acknowledging its beneficial interactions. These initiatives appear to be effective for a while though, and then things return to normal. I'm also worried that by trying to give them equal attention, I can inadvertently fuel their resentment towards one another.
https://www.thiscraftyhome.com/2024/04/09/dealing-with-sibling-rivalry/
I'm contacting this community to ask for tips and to hear about your experiences. How have you handled familial rivalry between siblings? 🤔 Which specific practices or exercises have proven effective for you? 🤔 How do you prevent competition or jealousy while making sure that both kids feel equally loved and appreciated? 🤔
Furthermore, I would be quite grateful if someone could share any tips on how to properly handle tantrums, particularly in the setting of sibling rivalry. It frustrates me to observe them sad, and I wish to make a peaceful space where they may both feel safe and content(sac).
Thank you👍in advance.
Hi Jackzz
Thank you for your post. You are clearly working really hard at spending quality time with each of your children. This is so important, and right at the heart of great parenting.
Sibling rivalry is completely normal, but it can be very challenging. From what you have written, you are already using some great strategies, and the blog-post you reference is also very much on point.
I would encourage you not to give up on the consistent efforts to have some one-to-one time with each of your children, taking a lead from them in terms of what activities they like to do with you. To keep it manageable (time, money etc) you can always provide a gentle steer by offering a choice of 2 or 3 things you know they will enjoy but which are workable for you. You could have keep a simple schedule of what you do and when, so that you have a visual record to show if either of the children suggests you are not being even with the time you are spending with them. Or, if your situation allows, perhaps try to find a times for one-to-one when the other child is busy with something else e.g. an after school activity or when there is another family member around to support you. Kids know how to press our buttons, so even if one is claiming 'you spend more time with x', try not to rise to the bait or feel that you need to justify yourself. A simple statement of 'I love you' or 'I love you both very much' before moving the conversation along or turning to a new activity is probably more effective than getting into long discussions.
It is great that you are also trying to find things you can all do together. Again, don't give up! Sometimes this will work better than others. We all have our days! Take the lead from your children, and don't force the togetherness. Keep it short. If they want to do separate things, just being able to play alongside each other is a win. Or if they need to take a break, that is also OK. Try not to be a constant referee - as long as the children are safe, you can let them start to work things out and find compromises. And try never to compare them with each other.
With respect to tantrums, if it is indeed a tantrum (rather than a meltdown, where the child is unable to control their actions at that point in time), and the child is safe, you can ignore the tantrum, whilst telling them that when they calm down, you are ready to talk.
Sibling rivalry is difficult to experience, but it is also a means by which our children can learn a lot about how to handle and manage conflict. By keeping calm and objective, and by consistently showing unconditional love to both your children (which it sounds as though you are doing), you will be doing a good job.
I am sure others on this forum have also got good tips to share.
Good luck, and wishing you all the best.
Caravan
(Parent Support Worker)