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I've been lurking for a week or so, trying to get the feel of the place and reading old threads for anything similar to the situation I find myself in. In a way, I'm thankful I haven't found it.
I am a mother. My ex and I have a little girl, still in junior school. We were never in a proper relationship, but have always got on and never had any issues. Last weekend I made excuses for her not to go, which ex accepted no problem as sometimes family events happen etc; we've always been pretty flexible with each other as long as daughter was happy.
But the truth is, a few days prior, daughter made a disclosure to me regarding another member of exs family. I've sought advice from usual agencies, and will be contacting the police, but I have got to tell ex.
I'm terrified of this, not because I'm afraid daughter won't be believed, but because I'm worried about what ex might do to family member. I certainly want to do something drastic too, but I'm no good to our girl behind bars and neither is ex. But ex has some impulse control and anger issues when stressed.
Hi and welcome.
This is very tricky, and anything we suggest could easily backfire, so it is largely going to be you who has to make the judgement call. There are two courses of action that I can think of - the first is to tell him, but not to tell him who it is for a couple of days, to allow it to sink in a little. The second is to tell him, but only on condition that you both go to the police together, and explain to the father that he can offer your daughter no protection if he's behind bars either.
Let us know how you get on, and if there's any further information we can give.
Hi there
I'm so sorry to hear this, it must be very distressing for you without having to worry about your ex's reaction.
He does need to be told though, perhaps you should tell him you have to tell him something that will upset and anger him, but you want firm assurances from him that he will not react in an aggressive way and that you need him on side and being rational and calm so that you can both help your daughter and one another through this. Remind him he needs to be strong and allow authorities to do their job, I would imagine he will want to talk to the police himself and they may advise him about taking things into his own hands.
Wishing you strength going forward and if you need to talk please don't hesitate to post, if you'd rather talk in private I'm available if you wish to send me a private message. 🙂
Thank you for your thoughts on this.
In the end, I informed my ex in person, with a lady from our safeguarding team present.
The family member involved is a minor also, and younger than I thought by a good few years. Upon looking into it, we suspect his behaviour is a symptom of his (undisclosed) trauma.
We are seeking help for everyone involved and in the mean-time, ex and myself are spending 'his' time with our girl together, to help her feel more secure. I've asked ex (and he agreed) to hold off on overnights for a while. His family are obviously in turmoil right now, with a lot of things being said.
And, as awful as it sounds, I feel like the ex and I were on the same page on this all they way through. I don't think I've ever trusted his parenting as much as I do now.
Thanks for letting us know how you're getting on, it was a good idea to have a member of the safeguarding team present.
It's often only during times of trouble that the true nature of someone becomes apparent and your ex has shown himself to be a strong and caring parent and a great support for you too.
If one good thing can come out of this terrible affair it is that you and your ex have strengthened your co parenting relationship and know that you are doing the best that you can for your child together. I'm sure that your little girl will benefit from the strength you and your ex provide as a united team.
Best of luck
It really is a sobering experience. I suffered in silence at the mercy of a youth club leader for years; and didn't tell anyone until his face was in the local paper, and I always felt guilty that boys and girls suffered after me. So I am so proud of our daughter, for saying something. My ex and I are now just trying to reach out the other child involved, without causing a giant meltdown with his family.
Just to clarify, at the time of my first post, I thought the boy was 13/14 (I don't really know his family that well), but My ex has told me he's quite a bit younger and that there have been some questions raised about his home situation.
While we're more than happy to give support and advice, I would recommend that you keep details to an absolute minimum as this is an open forum, and there could be serious consequences for giving out details of this, especially since there is a minor concerned.
If you keep any identifying details (age, name, places, circumstances) as vague as possible, it should be OK I would think.