Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Last week, it came to my attention that my estranged wife's boyfriend of 2.5 years was showering naked with both my daughters aged 6 and 3, stood in the bath underneath the detachable shower head all together.
I was even more horrified when my 6 year old told me that he had 'weed' ( her description) in front of them, whilst they were all under the shower.
I had discovered 18 months ago, that he was bathing naked with them, I challenged my ex wife and told her that it had to stop immediately. It would now seem that the baths have been replaced with showers, although whenever they are bathed it is he that does it and not my ex wife.
My partner and I who have regular access with the girls for 4 days at a time are gravely concerned, my partner has had to shower them individually before in a shower cubicle, but she kept on her lower underwear.
I have raised this issue with my ex wife, who freely admits that this incident took place and doesn't see that there is anything wrong with him showering naked with them.
My concern is that she may have been brainwashed, as she and I didn't ever encourage such things, we split 2.5 years ago and her boyfriend had been a friend of hers for 2 years prior and often was alone with my children.
My ex wife has implored that we do not report this to the appropriate child protection services as her boyfriend is a school teacher and it would have a negative impact on his career and the stability of her family unit.
Whilst not wishing to disrupt the lives of anyone, my partner and I are unsure what to do? Any advise or shared experiences of this matter would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks....
Having a daughter myself, i would not be comfortable with another man bathing my daughter, especially not showering with them at the same time, for me that definately over steps the mark, and your ex wife should never have let it happen. If the boyfriend was brought up in a family where they did shower or bath together he might not understand how it affects yourself, but being a teacher he should be aware of his actions and how others see it. As for weeing, whilst they are all in, that is a cause for concern.
Your ex should respect your wishes and stop it from happening especially if she is so concerned about her partners career. If it carrys on then i would share your concerns and get advice from NSPPC or social care.
Hi B3 and welcome
I agree, this is simply wrong. I think you pretty much have the solution - if your wife doesn't want you to report it to child protection services, then she simply has to ensure that it doesn't happen any more -it's up to her. If it continues, then she can't blame you for reporting it, she has that choice, and I think you are being more than reasonable in giving her that option.
I would be seriously concerned that her boyfriend is grooming your children - if you haven't already started, keep a diary of all conversations etc, as you may need this later on if this doesn't stop - and be aware that he may pressure your children not so say anything to you, so you may need to be careful on how you discuss it with them.
[censored] THAT IS SO WRONG!!!!
I don't know how you can stop yourself from strangling this pervert!!!
Surely you can report this to the authorities? Social Services?
While I think that it is pretty clear in this case that your ex should respect your wishes and stop her partner showering with your kids, the response to this post saddens me greatly. Adults bathing with small children is not inherently wrong, this view seems to be a holdover from more repressed times which leads to untold discomfort about our bodies in later life. In any case, your daughters are nearing the age when they will naturally become more self-conscious about their privacy and will probably stop wanting to do this. Your ex is clearly well aware of what they're doing and she's not concerned - after all this is someone she loves and trusts, and has been an important part of your kids' lives for several years.
It enrages me that this man is automatically assumed to be a predatory paedophile because he is unconcerned about nakedness and is taking an active role in fathering his partner's children. This has become the default view of men in our society, so we see fathers pushed away from their children, fewer and fewer male teachers (and almost no male nursery teachers). As a separated father with a shared parenting arrangement, I find that these attitudes make it so much more difficult for lone fathers - mums are so suspicious that it becomes much harder to arrange playdates, or even just help a child that has hurt herself in the park. Everyone longs for the "good old days" when children could roam freely blah blah blah - well, 25 years ago children were at much greater risk from paedophiles than they are now, and yet today we are so frightened by tabloid hysteria that we would rather marginalise fathers altogether than take some tiny risk. It's depressing.
I can't say I agree with you and stick to my opinion above, but I think your point is very well stated. Ultimately, this is a forum and proper discussion is more than welcome 🙂
Looking back over my post I can see that I had a lot of bottled up frustration here that, while I think it is valid, was probably not appropriate for this issue. Hopefully I can use this (great) forum to work some of these things out constructively. Apologies for going slightly off on one!
Hi there,
No need to be sorry, this forum as many is an open forum for dicsussion, I share some of your views on this as well as sharing the views of other comments made on the subject.
Your coments serve to give a different view.
Darren
I agree with Darren - this forum would be a very stale place if everyone always agreed with everything (so maybe I shouldn't have agreed with Darren after all 😀 ). It's good to have different points of view.
Hi everyone i have also just recently found out that my ex's partner is bathing naked with my 3 year old daughter, in my opinion i think its completely wrong and is not normal, i don't really know how to go about this, i have spoke to the mother and she seems to think that it is perfectly ok for it to happen and has no concern
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.