[Solved] concerns over ex's variuos partners

Hi There,

This comes up quite a lot, and is a really tough one, as your ex is entitled to a life, and this may not be as easy with the children living with her as it might be for someone without the children.

I do get where your comming from and I would feel the same and want my son to be exposed as as few guys as possible and wouldn't like the idea of too many men being in his life.

How many guys are we talking about? and how long is does she see them for before they are introduced?

I have commented on another thread, that for me I don't think children should meet new partners for at least 3-4 months as I don't think it could be classed as a relationship until you've spent enough time with someone.

I know I made the mistake of introducing my son too someone after 5 weeks as I thought it was going somewhere only for it to end the following week.

Darren

Hi Kee

Often, after a separation, the mother gets the children and the father gets to go out with as many women as he likes (not saying it's necessarily a lot, but the option is there) without having to worry about the children being affected. You have to appreciate that from the mother's point of view, this is vastly unfair, and she is going to want to have a life as well.

One question is whether you are able to speak to your ex and come to a compromise - I was thinking along the lines of you having your children to stay for some extra nights, and those are the nights that your ex has her fun. If you can arrange that, you get more contact with your children, she gets to go out without worrying about the children, and the children aren't affected by your ex's boyfriends.

yeah, i know and understand that she needs a life and to move on, she;s had one every year since we split and thats 5 years in September, it all started soon after we split, with weeks and they only last 6 to 9 mths at most, most if not all have been blokes she's picked up chat site and certain kind of forums she goes on, she introduces them as friends first too the kids after only seeing them a few weeks.

she tells the kids she's just looking for love.

she has mental health issues, most of her adult life

a lot has gone on between us during our relationship, between her chatting to men on the net and meeting them offline too

Do you think she'd consider you having the children more often so she can have time alone? It just seems like a good opportunity for you to have more contact and to take the children out of the situation on a regular basis.

she'd jump at the chance for me too have them more often!, i work full time, 4 days a week, ten hr days, i have the kids every other weekend on a Tuesday evening one week n a Thursday evening the following week, but i do stay at theirs while she goes out, thought that me having alternate weekends was really fair to us all, plus i have them for a whole week most holidays or extra days then, i go to parents evenings n school plays n that

hi ya kee

it all depends on how protective your ex is being with regards to the children safety

if arrangement's can be made and ensured that the children are being kept safe as actd suggested try for more contact

also as actd suggested your ex is entitled to a life i would add as long as the children are her primary concern

ideally she should be treating the need to see people and her children separably as possible and in the initial stages of relationships ensure not contact with children or while the children are in the house. ideal times would be while children are at school or while they are with you

if she is simply introducing the children to a new bloke every other week it may have a bad effect on children and may call in to question how protective your ex is being with the children

from what you can tell have the children been affected?
Any evidence of not normal bruises or any strange unexplained mark?
dependent on how old your children are any changes in behavior or subject avoidance?

the inability of the mother to protect there children correctly would probably cause some concern to social services.

Aaron

to be honest i don't know how protective she is, just what i hear and see, she has had a boyfriend in the past threaten to kill her and the kids, dunno why or what she did to warrant that, it was an 18 yr old bloke she picked up on a chat site she was on, nothing come of it!, but the threat was there and was real by all accounts, a couple of the blokes she's been involved are blokes she's picked up from mental health forums and a center she goes too, she's befriended one at the moment, only known him a few weeks since she split with her last boyfriend, she had him around the other night and introduced him to the kids, and from i cant gather from what i know of my ex, she's cant have just friend boyfriends, cos she's needy and an attention seeker, she has had social services involved a few times, one at her own request, cos she wasn't feeling too good, once when she was taken to hospital but a sure start care worker, once by an ex boyfriend who said she wasn't looking after the kids, i.e, malnutrition, not true, shouting at them; kinda true cos she does!, leaving them alone in her flat to go to the shop, nothing ever cam of it all though.

she's told me she cant be alone, always wants someone around, etc, she's always been that way, even before we got together

If she has called in social services herself, it actually sounds like there is an opportunity for you to talk to your ex, voice your concerns and see if you can both call social services in to provide additional support - that doesn't mean that they are going to remove the children as she will know, just that they are giving her as much support as possible to allow the children to stay safe in their own home.

How old are your children? If they are old enough, do they have a mobile phone for emergencies? You can get a cheap phone and lock the outgoing numbers to a few select numbers so that you know the credit is always there when needed. Also, are they worried or frightened at all? If so, talk to them about what they can do when they are - who can they call, who can they talk to. It's all about giving them some control of a situation where they may feel, at the moment, that there is nothing they can do.

she knows my concerns tho, always has, but she just says she needs to have a life, and her life is having these men in it!

social wont get involved cos the kids are physically harmed in anyway, thats the thing aint, it, they dont concern with the mental welfare of kids in these situations, she's been offered support by mental health social worker, but says she doesnt need it!, she has supportf from her cpn and doctor, has even been given crisis team support, but she says she just needs someone to talk too, but it cant be me anymore, so she goes looking for these blokes.

i got a son of 6 and step-daughter of 11, she's the one i'm more concerned about, as she's at that age now, she's got a mobile phone and knows she can call or text anytime.

Kee

i would suggest continue to gather evidence keep them dated and time stamped

keep a diary of any non normal behaviors in both ur ex and your children. also save any texts of even minor interest

possibly as informally as possible monitor children weight and record any food habits(likes and dislikes) but try hard not to make an issue of it

is there presently a social worker assigned to her case? if there is you should seek to gain information of him or her.

any good social worker will see there maybe a need to have the children on a child in need register at the least if not a full child protection register. the prob is with the economy stretched as it is good social workers are hard to come by. to make up for that you have to be more proactive relaying your concerns and evidence as and when they come in. one phone call wont do it.

everything people do with there children will effect their children. if your children see there mum suffering with mental issues then they will feel the same. the constant changing of bf will also have an effect. its hard to see unless you spend the time looking

the not wanting to be alone is pretty common and very unsafe, very risky for her and the children cant be understated

What would you like to see happen?

Aaron