[Solved] Child safety. Contact.

Hi, and welcome. First, don't worry if your post isn't word perfect, we don't worry about that, as long as you get the details down, that's what matters.

You have to get used to the fact that whatever you do, it isn't going to matter, she will always make out that you are the one at fault, to whoever will listen you her, You have friends and family who know what you are like, especially your kids, so don't worry about the opinions of those who obviously aren't interested in knowing what really went on.

I would say that your ex in no position to make demands - she should be asking, not demanding. I'll leave it for others with better legal knowledge to suggest what steps you are best advised to take and in what order.

I do know what it feels like to be in your position - I got custody of my kids away from their mother a fair number of years back, and she always made out that I was the bad one, but my kids also didn't want much to do with her, and even less so now that they are grown up and she still treats them appallingly when she can be bothered to contact them (in fact when they saw her last year for the first time in years, they came away saying they didn't want to see her again). At the age your kids are, their wishes are definitely going to be a factor in any decision by the courts.

Don't beat yourself up about all of this - you are doing the best for your children, and they obviously know and appreciate it. If mine are anything to go by, you are going to have an awesome relationship with them as they grow up.

Thank you.

Hi there

I can understand why you feel pressurised, but the only voices you need to listen to are your kids right now, take no notice of her friends, of course they're going to take her side of things.

To be honest, I'm not too sure about this meeting you've set up, why would she want to bring an advocate, someone that's a stranger to the children, a person that will perhaps expect to assist her in securing her rights, again not really appropriate for a meeting with the children present, will she want to discuss contact etc in front of them, that just wouldn't be right.

You could email/text her and ask her who the advocate is and what role they will be playing, will they stay in the background, and what is she expecting from the meeting; explaining that any formal discussions about contact etc would not be appropriate with the children there. The first meeting should be kept light and pleasant for the children, it would not be the place for any adult discussion. Might it be better to meet her without the children present, that would be a compromise position... if she is prepared to discuss things in a reasonable manner, that would give you some indication that she's prepared to negotiate with you. If she's all guns firing, then you've probably got a fight on your hands.

You could rescind the offer to meet and propose that contact goes forward supervised in a contact centre to begin with, here's a link to the national association of contact centres, where you can check what is available in your area, there's also a helpline which you may find useful.

www.naccc.org.uk

Actd is right, she's in no position to make demands, that an indication of her mind set in my opinion. I think you should proceed with caution, don't be bullied and keep firm control of the situation.

I'm assuming there's no court order in place and that you're named on the birth certificates? Do you think she is likely to try and remove the children? If this is a concern for you, you can move to secure your children's position by making an urgent no notice court application for a Child Arrangements Order, for the children to live with you, and a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent them from being removed from your care.

An urgent application should be pushed through quickly, without the need for mediation beforehand. A no notice, or ex parte application means that the mother won't be informed about the hearing until afterwards. A date would be set for a second hearing, which she would be asked to attend, to put her side of things across. It's not a quick process, the court will want to order welfare reports and look at the situation in more depth.

The form that you would need is called the C100 form, both applications can be made on the same form and it would cost £215 to submit. If you're on a low income or receiving benefits, you may be entitled to an exemption from the fee, which you can apply for with form EX160a.

As there has been physical and emotional abuse of the children, it's advisable that you complete form C1a too, this is to tell the court about the risks to your children. If she has a history of drink or drugs you should mention that too.

Once you have the forms prepared, it's best to take them to your nearest family court and speak to the office staff in person. Impress upon them how the mother has turned up after 9 months demanding contact, that there has been previous physical and emotional abuse and the children are extremely distressed about seeing her, even refusing to talk to her over the telephone, and you are extremely worried that she will attempt to take them. If you get there at court opening time, they may be able to get you in front of a judge straight away, if not it should be pretty quick.

You might benefit from attending a Families Need Fathers meeting, where you'll get face to face advice and support from people that are in a similar situation. Here's a link to their website, where you'll find details of meetings nationally, hopefully there will be one near you.

www.fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2/local-branch-meetings

Best of luck