[Solved] Bullying

Hey. Long time, no post ...again! I need help and wondered if you guys had any good suggestions.

Bullying.

My oldest boy is nearly 10, He has a beautiful, gentle and kind personality and he likes to be different. While all the other boys are 'doing exactly the same thing', he just doesn't. He doesn't fit the mould. He doesn't conform. He has long flowing hair which he ties back and reaches pretty much to his waist. He wears odd socks. He questions everything. He listens to Chuck Berry to p*ss his school friends off and JLS to p*ss me off. He dreams. He's smart. And like all boys of his age, he goofs around a bit, plays up, prods and pokes people, irritates. I am so very proud of his individuality and the fact that at such a young age, he is able to know his own mind and not just follow the crowd.

...but it feels like everyone hates him. A year or so back, he went away on camp and was locked in a wardrobe and dragged by his hair to the ground, trying to force his face into a puddle. Last year at a local play scheme, he was punched to the floor and laughed at for crying. He has been disallowed access to toilets "you're a girl, you can't go in here". Slapped round the face randomly. Pushed on a daily basis. His ball has frequently been taken and kicked away, over some fence or other. He joined the local football club last year and despite being the best goalie by a mile and a strong versatile player outfield, they will not accept him. The second he gets the ball, they're shouting at him to pass, then shouting at him for being tackled, or for letting a goal in. He's constantly called a girl, 'Rapunzel' and numerous other things. Oh, I could go on, but I think you probably get the picture.

I don't know what to do. I have spoken to his football coaches and the school head teacher and they are trying to address it and we are seeing small improvements. This morning, I had a stand up public row with a couple who's boys turned up into a nice environment and just started in at him with "he/she". His parents said "well tell him to stay away from our boys" 😮 If it was just one or two children, I think we could fix it. But it feels like they're queueing up to lay into him. He is now talking about not playing football any more and having his hair cut so that he can "look like everyone else".

I feel like sh*t, because I feel like I should be able to protect him ...and of course, I can't. Part of me wishes that he would just stand up and smack someone. But he's not like that ...and why should he be. Why can't he just be him.

I dunno. Any suggestions, gratefully received.

Hi Ratso,

Welcome back - he sounds like a cool kid.

First off here are a couple of articles on the site about bullying top tips and Bullying.

Secondly as a dad I can imagine just how hurt you must feel on your son's behalf. When my daughter was getting a hard time at school, I found that I got so angry - I just wanted to let the bullies know exactly how I felt. That of course would have done her no favours what so ever.

Have the school been helpful ?

I am a qualified youth footie coach and until last season ran my own team. There was no place at our club for bullying. Don't let him quit football - make sure the coaches are involved and helping make the environment enjoyable for him. If need be look at moving him to another club, but the worse thing would be for him to give up something he enjoys doing because of other kids.

Here is an article from the bullyingUK website about supporting your child.

I feel for you mate I really do.
Gooner

Hey Ratso

I agree with Gooner - the football coaches will not tolerate this behaviour and if they do find another team!!

The same for the school they will do something but more often or not they will need evidence as it will be one word against another. Get your son to keep a "diary" and show this to the teachers - you also need to keep pestering them as something that happens will be proven.

Also speak to the Governing body, find out who the parent governors are as they will be sympathetic.

Hope it sorts itself out

One-thirty in the bloomin' morning and I have just finished getting the house straight for tomorrow's onslaught. Still got to make 4 lunch boxes in the morning. No wonder I never have time to post on here.

Gooner: the articles were actually really useful. It's hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes. If you put in "bullying" to a Google search, you get a million responses. It's quite nice to just be told which one to read.

The school has done a bit. They have spoken with 'everyone' and it has died down a bit. The coaches have also done what they can. Whilst I would like to see both do a lot more (can't remember if it is still legal to put under 11s in the stocks) ...I think I can see the problem.

1/ They have to consider the case of each and every child, i.e. support the kid getting bullied, but also support the kid doing the bullying; they can't just pistol whip the bad guys. It's too late to make a rational argument, but I think I get it.

2/ A slap round the face is obvious. But just being treated slightly differently by a large number of people is [censored] near impossible. A nudge here, a push there, a name-calling, not being allowed to play, a small insult ...and so on ...and each by a different person. It's [censored] near impossible to put your finger on it.

So what I am trying to do is help my boy change the way he experiences it. Mario's suggestion of a diary is actually a really good idea and we are doing this now. What we're doing at the moment is talking each day about the bad stuff. Just me and him. It doesn't go any further. He tells me what happened. I put it in a spreadsheet. Then we have a quick chat about it -
"Was this targeted bullying, or is the guy just a pratt?"
"Could you have done anything to avoid this guy?"
"Any lessons to learn for next time?"
"Why is he doing it; jealousy, boredom, idiocy?"
"How do you feel about it now?"
...and so on.

I figure I can't turn my boy into Rocky Marciano or Oscar Wilde, but maybe I can teach him to experience it differently and not bite so often.

The diary is also going to prove useful in identifying patterns and who is actually involved and also keeping a sense of perspective: "No hang on, it's not everyone who hates you. It's just these three people ...and a few hangers on". And ultimately, it may prove useful evidence.

We're also trying extra hard to remove pressure outside of school. That is a tough enough experience at the moment, without being pressured about tidying up, using tissues, flushing toilets, etc. That stuff can loiter in the background for a while. I think it's more about building his confidence up again at the moment.

Will try to continue posting about this, as it may prove useful to someone else, down the line.

That's it. The caffeine fairies are all spent and the sleep fairies have seized their opportunity to gently carry me awa ...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I've been meaning to come back for a while and update this one. OK, so up until a couple of days ago, this is what I had learned.

We experienced bullying in three different ways/categories:

1/The Physical Stuff
Punching, kicking, slapping, hair pulling, being wiped with spit, stopped from going to the toilet and so on. In some ways, this was the easiest one to deal with, because it is visible; deniability is difficult, there are witnesses, marks, tears, etc

2/ The Verbal Stuff
Name calling: "girl", "he/she", "gay" and so on. A bit more tricky to deal with, but again there are often witnesses

3/ The Treatment
Not being picked for the team, not being allowed to hold on to the ball before someone's screaming at you to pass, not being allowed to make mistakes without someone being on your case, not being listened to, not being believed, being blamed for stuff that you didn't do, or having things you did do exaggerated, ...This one is the killer. You can't combat it. It's minor, it's trivial. It's silly. But compound, it's absolutely massive and when I talk to my boy, he would be happy to take the odd slap, if he could just be treated like everyone else.

So what have we done to get on top of this:

1/ Obviously the first step was to the head. She arranged a big circle time for the whole year group, where they discussed bullying and whilst talking about all the children, did hone in on my boy. One or two of the lads put their hands up and admitted to some name-calling (respect to them). This helped and did get rid of some if not all of general niggling treatment.

2/ We then set up a diary. Me and boy discussed every night anything that happened during the day, good or bad. This allowed us to spot patterns, identify individuals, discuss the difference between a non-event and something a bit more serious and focus on trying to come up with solutions: who to avoid, when not to bite, etc

3/ Armed with the diary, we were then able to go back to the head and say, there are still one or two lads who are doing 'stuff'. She then talked to the individuals and - touch wood - we have most of the bullying under control.

So there is a kind of two-pronged approach. One is working on the others, who at the end of the day are just other children. The second is working with my own boy and how he experiences the treatment. I doubt that it is ever as clear cut as to just flick a switch and the bullies will stop. The recipient is also going to have to step up and change how they react to whatever is left over.

I read somewhere an analogy to fishing. Bullies throw out lots of bait and once they know a good spot for getting bites they just keep on coming back. And with all the good will in the world they don't always listen to the head. Ultimately, the fish have to stop biting and when the lake dries up hopefully the bullies will move on ...and take up knitting instead.

3 of 3

...and just when I thought it was all going swimmingly, a thumping great shark swam up and bit us in the [censored] (my best effort at carrying on the analogy).

I just wasn't expecting this and I am still rocked by it. Basically, there is one lad who was never really on the radar. The only thing he had been up to was trying to exaggerate a couple of things and get my boy into trouble. They were brushed aside ...and nothing. And then suddenly a week ago, his parents are in the school shouting at the head about how my boy has been systematically bullying their boy, for the past 6 years and why haven't we taken him to an educational psychologist. It was hurtful and obscene and an enormous pack of lies.

I went into the head and disproved every single accusation. It wasn't difficult. For instance, "I'm sorry, but he couldn't possibly have bullied that child in football, last year, so much that he had to leave and go to another team, because he didn't actually start playing football until 4 months after that child had left."

The head went back to the parents and they reluctantly dropped the accusations and accepted my responses.

Yesterday I spoke to my boy about his day and he told me that he was playing football at lunch time with, amongst others, the kid who had made the claim against him. This morning, when I did the school run, the mum of the kid made a point of turning and facing away from me, as I walked past.

I can't help thinking that this is far from over. Currently, I am counting the days to the end of term and just praying that the summer break makes this go away. I'm feeling a bit beat, if I'm honest.

And this is the aspect of bullying that I really wasn't expecting: PARENTS

Sorry. Lots to read. But maybe this will be useful one day to someone else 🙂

That is the great thing about diarising events because it does make things easier to prove and in your case disprove.

You are right parents are a nightmare and will take the side of their children regardless of the truth.

Remember you are in the right here and you have embarrassed them by proving your son couldnt have bullied on the quoted occasions. The boy will find someone else to accuse soon as he got the attention he needed.

This week is Anti-Bullying week and a good opportunity to have a conversation with our kids about bullying or being bullied

Look at this website

http://www2.beatbullying.org/abw2011/