[Solved] Where is the money going? Should I ask?

Hi there

She is taking you for granted, the extra she gets bolsters her standard of living and taking a drop will affect that.

As long as you are paying what is expected of you as far as the child maintenance is concerned, any extra is at your discretion and if that means you paying for things directly, I don't see the problem with that. So I would definitely say its mind games and using your love for your daughter as a weapon to get more from you. I say stick to your guns and see how it pans out.

Best of luck

She now says it's down to my conscience as to whether I could live with myself by doing that. Is this mind games and using my daughter as a weapon?

Yes, that's mental abuse. If she said that in an email or text message I would definitely keep record.

I agree that you should stick up for yourself, but only if you are confident you can stay calm throughout it, because there is likely to be backlash, and if you respond, you can end up making things worse for your daughters relationship with you. If possible maybe have those conversations in writing.

You may also want to think about why you are even questioning yourself as to wether she is being abusive of you. I've taken a number of mind games from my ex and it wasn't until I started doing CBT and engaging in new social groups that I started seeing her abuse for what it is.

Thanks so much for your views. I am a soft touch I know but I'm starting to get firmer with her and she doesn't like it. I know it's hard for her too but my conscience is clear. Luckily we only communicate via email so everything she says is in writing. Thanks for reaffirming my thoughts..it dies help.

Thanks for 'this. Good to know it's not just me being over cynical. Appreciate your comments hugely.

Hello Dime1102,

I agree with Mojo's reply to you in it's entirety!

To put another perspective on what you are paying compare that to the State Pension which is the only source of income for many. Out of the (S.P.) amount received, people have to pay for everything, utility bills, council tax, food, clothing, repairs, decorating, replacing items e.g kettle, iron etc., holiday if affordable and possibly transport.
The State Pension;- for men born on or after 6 April 1951 and women born on or after 6 April 1953, the Government introduced a single tier pension with a full level of £159.55 a week ( 8,297 ) a year. Many pensioners do not fall within the dates mentioned and even get a lot less which they have to manage on.

My personal view if it was me in your position would be to pay what the C.M.S. calculate and then keep any other available money in your control to pay for what you choose to be appropriate at any given time.

I think you have been extraordinarily generous and if you decide to reduce the amount paid, according to the C.M.S. calculation, you should not feel guilty at all.

Hello Dime1102

Child maintenance is a financial contribution provided by you, the paying parent, to help with your daughter's everyday living expenses. As you have a family-based arrangement in place it is up to you to decide what you would like to include in your arrangement with your ex-partner.

Many parents do now choose to sort out their maintenance between themselves as it can be the quickest and easiest way of setting up a maintenance agreement. Although family-based arrangements are not legally binding, they are very flexible and can be easily changed.. If you, your daughter or your ex-partner does have a change in circumstances your agreement can be adapted to incorporate these without any disruption to your regular payments.

Child Maintenance Options do have an Online Calculator to help you and your ex-partner come to a figure that the Government consider a reasonable payment and you can find this on their website at http://www.cmoptions.org. They also have some support tools on their website that can help you both negotiate your agreement now your daughter is no longer at nursery.

They have a Talking About Money Guide and a Discussion Guide that are full of information about how you can plan your conversation with your ex-partner and how to negotiate your agreement. They also point out the financial costs involved in raising a child and can give you both new ideas about what can be included in your agreement.

If you find you are not able to renegotiate your family-based arrangement you may wish to consider making an application to the Child Maintenance Service. They are the Government’s statutory maintenance service and can either calculate your child maintenance, then leave you to arrange payments between yourselves, or they can collect payments and pass them on for you.

Child Maintenance Options can provide you with further support on how to negotiate your family-based arrangement and your alternative options should you need to consider these. For more information and for a more personalised service, you may wish to visit the Child Maintenance Options website yourself.

Regards

William

Thanks all for your comments which have been both helpful and reassuring. Interestingly, the ex has told me she feels "insulted" that I don't appear to trust her about where the money is going.....but what I think is more noteworthy is that she says that she finds this totally "disxempowering" for her. To me that screams of what's really annoying her is the loss of control and a realisation that she won't be able to justify the £700 a month on my daughter. I'd be interested to know anyone's thoughts on my assumption? Cheers everyone.

I completely agree with you about the loss of control , but that's her problem not yours. I would just be careful that she doesn't start using your contact time with your child to try and maintain her financial position.

All the best