Please help! typical nice guy who's been walked over by their wife for 15 years and now cheated on!
What exactly am i obliged to pay my ex???
We are separated and I am filing for divorce against her for adultery...Things came to ahead just before xmas (lovely time to find out!) To cut a long story short I have moved out and found a place to rent. I've agreed to keep paying the same monthly sum that I pay into a joint account for 3 months to allow things to settle,and the kids to remain in the marital home and at least have a period of time where things are relatively normal. Obviously now that I have a place to rent I can't afford to pay what i was paying into the joint account.
I know she thinks I am being harsh and has already tried to use the kids as emotional blackmail against me when we have discussed what to do with the house/mortgage when we first split. I have worked out on the CSA calculator what I need to pay which is less than half i was paying into the joint account. All my friends and family (including some of her own!) think i am mad to be still paying into the joint account - this monthly amount is due to stop next month and she was aware of this from the very beginning.
I've since found out she's taken up a fairly expensive hobby with her new fella and I feel like I'm paying for her to still be enjoying herself whilst i sit alone in my flat wondering where my life went wrong!!!
Basically my questions are:-
1) What exactly am i obliged to pay? Is it CSA payments and thats it?
2) If i pay more than the CSA states will it work against me if does go to court - eg You've been paying 30% more that the CSA states so you can obviously afford it.
I'm down - but I'm not out - feeling stronger everyday!!
Martin
Hi,
So sorry to hear about your new 'situation'.
I am no expert in divorce proceedings.
In fact, upon recent reflection over the past two years, I have concluded that I am very far from being an expert on the workings of most women's minds.... especially those who feel scorned or self-righteous in some way.
What I am an expert of though, is the pain of realizing after the fact that it is much better and wiser to take steps to protect yourself and your interests as soon as things go wrong in a relationship.
This whether there are kids involved or not.
PART A:
1. I suggest that you pay absolutely no more money into the joint account from today.
2. By all means you must pay to make sure your kids are provided for. The CMS calculated payment is the best way to go.
3. When paying with the CMS, they take the view that what you pay is absolutely the maximum you need to pay for the children. Any other things like activity fees, nursery, football etc are classed as 'discretionary extras'
4. Until things settle in divorce court I would pay nothing more except contribute towards the mortgage.
PART B:
The kids.
1. It is very crucial at this point that you make sure you have access to the kids.
Try and make this frequent but regular (i.e. Same day or days of the week, same number of days and hours of the day).
Try and make sure that this access is never interrupted while you are in dispute about other matters.
Try and make sure that the kids are provided for as in step 2 above.
2.
If there is EVER any threat or hindrance to your access to the children.
Even if it is something like she just changed one days access cause she is busy with them on that day.
Initiate proceedings to get an established Child Contact order in place.
The first step after you file the contact order forms requires mandatory attempt at mediation. So if the ex wishes to negotiate, she can come there.
3.
Please, please be aware that although this is new and a surprise for you, your ex would most probably be several steps ahead of you already.
If she was cheating on you and/or thinking of leaving you, then she would have already explored all the implications from the point of view of how she intends to sort herself and the kids with your resources and money.
Good luck!
Thanks Jastix,
1 - Payments
The joint account has the Direct Debit for the Mortgage so its ideal that i can check that its still getting paid. With regards to paying into the joint account..should i stop paying into it, pay my ex the CSA payment alone. I had initially agreed to pay as an example...
£1600 per month for the first 3 months as a period of stability for the kids etc which is what i paid before it all blew up
£800 per month for the next 3 months (This included the CSA Payment and a pert paymt towards the mortgage £200)
Then pay basic CSA £600
Review what we were doing with the house,sell etc..(she wouldn't be able to buy me out and take on the mortgage with her salary) Which is my preferred option and split the equity.
The main issue is that the Mortgage is in my name and if things don't get paid then I am the one with the bad credit rating etc..
2- Kids
So far she's playing Ball on this one. As mentioned in my original post I was a bit of a pushover in our marriage and instead of asking when i see the kids I'm just telling her and so far everything Is ok. I have noted the day I have the kids in my diary so far and any clothes etc i have bought them.
3 - The other half
Oh she's been researching alright! In between going out with her new boyfriend!!!
Standing order for joint account cancelled!
Bank contacted (2 Joint accounts) advised of situation, going into close 1 joint account tomorrow
Sorting out Direct Debits etc from other joint account and will talk everything through with Ex next week
Thanks for the advice so far.. any more welcome
I would suggest that you set up two separate direct debit payments.
One for your part of the mortgage.
The other for the Child Maintenance.
It is important that the Child Maintenance is JUST for the exact amount that is stipulated in the CMS calculation.
This is just in case she disputes this payment in future (either with the CMS or during divorce proceedings).
It must be clear to see from the figures, what the payment is for.
I have heard of cases where the receiving parents (this is not a male/female issue) claim that the payment was for past depts, presents etc.
The CMS will then say that they cannot be sure that this payment was for child maintenance.
If the amount is for the exact amount that the CMS calculations stipulate, then the CMS and the courts (for divorce proceedings) will almost certainly accept this.
You can pay for extras for your kids when you have them and they are enjoying your company (and vice versa).
You are both equally responsible for their financial and emotional well-being.
She can pay her part on her watch. After all with choice and freedom comes responsibility.
Try and make contact with the kids regular and prescribed.
This way if (in my view when) she tries to curtail your access, or claim to the CMS that your access was not regular (very likely to maximise her take of your dosh), you can show evidence.
I would send polite and very neutral text indicating that you think it is better perhaps to establish prescribed days and times when you have the kids.
Say that this is to minimise the disruption to the kids and calm them down in these times of flux.
As much as possible have everything regarding the kids ordered and in place.
This is as much a restraint for yourself and their mother in these times when emotions are bound to be running all over.
Thanks Jastix,
1 - Payments
The joint account has the Direct Debit for the Mortgage so its ideal that i can check that its still getting paid. With regards to paying into the joint account..should i stop paying into it, pay my ex the CSA payment alone. I had initially agreed to pay as an example...
£1600 per month for the first 3 months as a period of stability for the kids etc which is what i paid before it all blew up
£800 per month for the next 3 months (This included the CSA Payment and a pert paymt towards the mortgage £200)
Then pay basic CSA £600Review what we were doing with the house,sell etc..(she wouldn't be able to buy me out and take on the mortgage with her salary) Which is my preferred option and split the equity.
The main issue is that the Mortgage is in my name and if things don't get paid then I am the one with the bad credit rating etc..
2- Kids
So far she's playing Ball on this one. As mentioned in my original post I was a bit of a pushover in our marriage and instead of asking when i see the kids I'm just telling her and so far everything Is ok. I have noted the day I have the kids in my diary so far and any clothes etc i have bought them.
3 - The other half
Oh she's been researching alright! In between going out with her new boyfriend!!!
Please make sure you reference the maintenance payment as such. It's probably better to make it as a standing order or bank transfer into her bank account as it can be specifically referenced as "Child Maintenance for (date it covers).
You will have to be careful as far as the mortgage payments are concerned as it is solely in your name, as you point out this makes you wholly liable for the repayments. She could quite easily refuse to pay the mortgage and the divorce court could order that they stay in the family home until the youngest is 18. If it were me I would definitely get some legal advice, some solicitors offer a free initial consultation and you may find this helpful.
There is also a very informative website and forum covering all aspects of divorce, here's a link.
www.wikivorce.com
Best of luck
You may find this useful
http://www.advicenow.org.uk/data/files/financial-order-june2014-final-1628.pdf
Hello Martinjones74
It sounds like you have been through an upsetting time, however, it is good to hear that you are feeling stronger every day. Child maintenance is a contribution towards the cost of bringing up a child and this includes not only such items as food and clothing but also it is a contribution towards the home that the child lives in and the associated costs of running that home. If an application were made via the Child Maintenance Service, the paying parent is legally responsible only for the amount worked out by the Child Maintenance Service and are not obliged to pay for anything extra, unless they wish to do so.
I have included a link below on how the Child Maintenance Service calculates child maintenance that you may find useful, https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/how-the-child-maintenance-service-works-out-child-maintenance.
Child maintenance can be arranged via a family-based arrangement, which is not legally enforceable. The Government’s statutory scheme, the Child Maintenance Service or via a Consent Order/Minute of Agreement. For more information on the different ways to set up child maintenance and for a more personalised service, you can visit the Child Maintenance Options website at http://www.cmoptions.org.
In regards to you paying the mortgage you may wish to contact your mortgage provider or seek legal advice as to where you stand regarding the payments.
The DWP have a sorting out separation web-app that you may find useful. It offers help and support to separating and separated families. The link is: www.dad.info/divorce-and-separation/sorting-out-separation.
Regards
William