[Solved] What do you pay for over and above the CM payments ?

I think you were very fair. What you could do is to set up a savings account for your daughter for when she's older - that way you are still paying towards her future, but she gets it when her mother can't get her hands on the money. I'd tell your daughter this, so she knows that you aren't about saving money (if your ex tries to bad mouth you to your daughter) and also tell your ex, as that way she knows what she lost out on.

My thoughts are that it can depend on how much you are actually paying via the CMS. If the amount you are paying your ex is more than enough to cover your child(ren)s costs of living, including any treats, clothes etc, then it should be enough and no more is needed really.

If it is an amount where you think she is having to contribute more to make ends meet, then some other sharing could be considered as expected or needed - if you can afford it.

Clearly this depends on how much the father(NRP) earns, and this is taken into account in the CMS calculation, but I also believe it depends on how much the mother(RP) earns.

In my situation i am in a decently paid job, and my CM is £600 per month. That is still a substantial percentage of my net pay and when there are mortgages and cars etc to pay on top.
My ex however earns close to the same as me, but of course gets my £600, plus child benefit, and has no mortgage(courtesy of the divorce settlement).

She is rolling in cash, but would never admit it.

So I believe the answer to your conundrum is whether you think what you pay as CMS is fair and reflective of the true costs of bringing up the children, or if it is more or under. And of course related to how much you earn and your cost of living.

@actd -
Well I already save money each month for both kids which they don’t know about, and I currently also pay them each some pocket money direct in to their accounts (not much - £17.50 per month each which was approximately half of what they got when we were all together) On top of my son’s £17.50 I also give him another £24.00 per month which was supposed to be 6 month’s school lunches averaged over a year (to account for the 6 months he would stay with me). So even now I am not sure whether I am supposed to pay for school lunches when my son is with me but anyway.

So are you suggesting actd that instead of giving them £17.50 pocket money each month, I add this to the existing savings I make for them, and inform both the children and their Mum that that is what I am doing ? I.e. to avoid my pocket money contributions effectively coming out their Mum’s pocket money contributions, but still benefitting my kids ?

i think to keep things simple, either stick to a private maintenance arrangement or CMS arrangement alone.

The problem is that if you didn't pay an extra proportion of costs it would likely adversely affect the child.

I - like you - have 50:50 equal shared care and have to pay CM (disputed, still awaiting tribunal), plus I also pay the vast majority of shared costs, e.g. hobbies, school clothes, shoes, coats, haircuts, etc. The sad fact is that if I didn't our son would turn up in rags with hair down his back and not have the same opportunities as his friends. Don't forget the mother has no obligation to spend any of the money she receives in maintenance on the child.

CMS when ruling in my case stated that as mother received child benefit and also is registered as primary address at doctor and dentist (both free for children of course, and which I take him if he's staying with me) she is also entitled to child maintenance on top of having the child benefit. That isn't how the law is supposed to work but it's the way the CMS have interpreted it as a blunt instrument to assume the mother has the majority of "day to day care".

You have been more than reasonable. Your ex has been very crafty in my opinion opting to the CMS route as clearly she thought that would get her more money, and that's what's most important to her, which is a shame. However, she clearly messed up there and is now missing out - tough luck, she made her choice, she will have to lump it.

As for myself, I'm on benefits, so the amount calculated for me to pay my ex each week isn't a huge amount admittedly, but obviously if I paid any more I would be able to afford food and clothes, etc, for when my daughter is here. If I was paying more I might do things differently, but as I pay less and I sometimes get a bit of extra money (back payment, money from relatives, etc), I try to put a bit aside for my daughter - some into her savings for when she is older, and some for things like clubs, school trips, etc. So I contribute extra at my discretion and I've told my ex this. I also make sure that apart from CMS, any money I contribute doesn't go directly to my ex (she financially abused me and can't be trusted with money). For example, I pay half of the costs for my daughter's performing arts club, but I pay that half directly to the club leader and my ex doesn't get a chance to pocket it. You might not need to go to that extreme though.

My daughter rarely asks about money, but when she does, she understands that I pay for what is here at mine, and mummy pays for what is at hers, whether it's food, clothes, uniform, toys, etc. She knows that me and her mum pay half and half for her club, and that I pay the full costs for her swimming lessons (she worked that out herself!). She's never asked questions concerning maintenance payments. I am sure that will come when she is older, but I will just explain to her that I pay a fixed amount which has been calculated by CMS to ensure that I have enough money left over to feed and clothe her, etc, when she's here, and if I had a bigger income then I would of course be paying her mum more.