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Hi mate,
Firstly, she cannot force you to leave the house and don't at this stage volunteer to move out. Nor can she ask the police to evict you. On what grounds??
My wife moved out of the family home 12 months ago and took the kids - she is currently in rented accommodation and I am buying her out.
She is having a fair share of what the equity would be if the property was sold and I am taking on the marital debt.
50/50 custody arrangement is the fair approach - you both get to spend equal time with your kids. I guess she is the main carer and so a maintenance payment will be due to her but that can be discounted if you have the kids overnight on a weekly basis. Refer to the CSA/CMS website for a rough estimate of what you would have to pay her each month based on what you see as your arrangement with the kids.
The courts will look at the needs of the children and ensure they have a suitable home to live in - they may place an order that she is allowed to stay in the property with the children and you pay maintenance and either all or part of the mortgage. Then the property could be sold when the youngest reaches 18. They will look at both parties, your earning potential, what you earn currently, your own housing needs and if you go for joint custody of the kids, you also need adequate housing to be able to accommodate them.
How much equity do you have in the house if it was to be sold? Other assets will be savings, pension arrangements, you also need to take into consideration marital debt.
Starter for 10 would be to get the house valued, put all your debt on the table, work out how much for an estate agent and solicitor and then see what is left. You could then make her an offer and start to negotiate. If she refuses to budge and wants to stay in the house, she may have a strong case as she is providing a home for the children. Alternatively, if you class yourself as the main carer, you could apply for full custody as the main carer and put a case forward that you need the family home. Many options to consider - time spent with a solicitor will be invaluable at this stage to get a feel for what your options are.
All I would say is, stay calm, show your kids how much you love them, don't use them as something you are fighting over. It is an upsetting time for kids when mummy and daddy don't want to live together anymore and so you need to make them feel safe and secure and keep reassuring them.
It will be a bumpy ride for sure - at least you know that from the outset.
Your kids will be upset, keep reassuring them that they are still very much loved and none of what is happening is their fault. It doesn't help if your wife is constantly chipping in with negative comments as it becomes confusing for the kids.
The money side of things needs sorting - as you say, you could end up in a bedsit and then she may say it is not a suitable arrangement for you to have the kids - you may have strong grounds for custody. What you can demonstrate is that your job fits around the kids, you work from home and are in effect the main carer. She would need to be able to demonstrate how she would manage her work/life balance if she was the main carer with you having 50% custody. All of this is taken into consideration.
You will be on a roller coaster of emotions - you are experiencing a major life change. It's not easy, you will cry endless tears but take it from someone who knows, you do recover. Everyone is different but 12 months on, I am in a much better place now.
Good luck at the solicitors
Went through a similar thing myself a few years ago. Whatever you do do not move out of the house, you could end up paying mortgage on it, spousal maintenance, and child maintenance indefinately - on top of losing other personal assets (ie pension etc). Feel free to email me directly, I am happy to share my experience with you - which was unpleasant to say the least.
PS agree with last post too - it does get better, just takes time. At a time when your emotionally suffering its really important to keep a clear head - difficult but critical.
Hello Rizzy123
It sounds like you are going through a very difficult and upsetting time at the moment. If you and the other parent were to come to a family-based arrangement, which is an agreement between both parents to decide on who will provide what for a child, shared care is something you could include in this. Family-based arrangements are not legally enforceable and there are no strict rules or formulas to stick to when calculating child maintenance. Therefore parents can decide the terms of their agreement to suit their current circumstances.
The Child Maintenance Options website has a useful tools and guides section that you and the other parent may find helpful when trying to negotiate your family-based arrangement. This can be found at http://www.cmoptions.org.
The Child Maintenance Service takes shared care into account in different ways depending on the paying parent’s child maintenance rate. Shared care applies if the paying parent provides overnight care for at least 52 nights per year before a liability will be reduced. This is based on the agreement with the receiving parent and or evidence. Shared care is usually determined over a twelve month basis, but shorter periods can be considered in appropriate cases. The following link provides further information on how the Child Maintenance Services calculates child maintenance, https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/how-the-child-maintenance-service-works-out-child-maintenance.
In regards to your house, you may wish to discuss this with the solicitor that you have the appointment with to see where you stand with this. Alternatively, you may wish to speak to your mortgage provider.
You have mentioned that you and your children are struggling emotionally with the separation. I have included a couple of organisations that you may find useful to help you with this, please find their contact details below.
Centre for Separated Families, provides advice and support to parents and other people experiencing family separation. Website: http://www.separatedfamilies.info.
A Kidspace are a support programme for children affected by divorce or separation. Website: http://www.akidspace.co.uk.
Young Minds, provides confidential support for anyone worried about the emotional problems or behaviour of a child or young person. Also free downloadable guide to contact arrangements for separating/divorcing parents. Opening Hours: Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm. Telephone Number: 0808 802 5544. Website: http://www.youngminds.org.uk.
For more information on all the different ways to set up child maintenance and for a more personalised service, you can visit the Child Maintenance Options website.
The DWP have a sorting out separation web-app that you may find useful. It offers help and support to separating and separated families. There are several sections on the web-app such as Children and Parenting, Housing, Money and Finances, Legal and Mediation that you may wish to consider during the difficult time ahead. The link is: www.dad.info/divorce-and-separation/sorting-out-separation.
Regards
William
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