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Hello all!!
I need some advise on child maintainence!
My ex partner is a very very complicated woman who likes to be in power and control. She has nothing better to do all day than try and make my life [censored] (which doesn't work). She lives at home in a 4 bed roomed house with mum, dad two siblings and two children. My child and her other child sleeps in my ex's bedroom with her and then in her grandmas bedroom on the weekends so that she can have a rest
Anyway... My ex give birth to my child without informing me and she has also NOT put me on the birth certificate. I had an argument with her because she was pushing me around. I manned up and basically told her how I felt and ever since that day she claims that she cannot trust me because I called her an horrible name (pathetic. right??) I tried to get access to my "child" on multiple occasions and I was only allowed to see her twice a week for an hour and an half. I tried speaking with the ex and she would ignore me and just avoid answering my questions (you can imagine how stressful that is when you have a baby who you cannot see)
I contacted mediation to see if I can get more access to see my child, as twice a week wasn't enough. I ended up coming out of mediation worse off than I did before I contacted them. I was only allowed to see my child for an hour once a week...because my ex was making up stories and telling lies... I asked if I could take my own flesh and blood for a walk around the block because the atmosphere in my ex's house was horrible as her family used to make things as awkward as possible for me and texting one another and laughing etc...
It got to the stage where my ex said she cannot trust me to take my child out or to see her without supervision because I stayed 5 minutes longer than the hour we "agreed to" near Christmas time.(I was enjoying the cuddles and my child was crying) she has no reason NOT to trust me as I used to take her other child out on my own to enjoy the fun things in life and she was scared of people because my ex treated her so clingy
I offered to buy my child nappies, milk, clothes and give my ex £30 a month for bills (that she doesn't have to pay anyway) whenever I asked her if she needed anything she said would say "no, I have got it" I felt useless as she wouldn't accept anything. I wanted to open a bank account for my child so that I can put money in the bank that my ex refused to take. But I needed our child's birth certificate which I wasn't allowed to have... Because my ex doesn't trust me...(it's a piece of paper for god sake)
I have been unable to have a say in our child's life as she choose the religion, the god parents and she also chooses who looks after the child when she wants to go out on nights out.. Her mum does all the work for her and didn't allow access to my mum who is just as much a grandma to our child as her mum... I have begged and asked for peace. I just want things to be equal between both of us but she doesn't want that... I'm dealing with a nutcase who sees this as fun and games instead of being mature and putting her priorities first. Cut a long story short I am trying to step up as a responsible parent and look after my child with as equal and as much love that any 'woman' can offer to their child. My ex is getting in my way by making up rubbish and being awkward as possible! I am afraid that I will lose my house, job and car because of how twisted my ex partner is
I got extremely fed up and decided to walk away from all the aggravation as I felt useless. I am under the impression that the child is not mine, although the child is spitting images of me. I have not seen the baby for 4 months (she is 8 months now) and my ex keeps spying on me on Facebook which I have deleted. she has noticed that I am doing well for myself and that I am happy.
I received a letter at my parents house from CMS stating that my ex wants me to start paying for my child. I have not once refused to pay... but how is it fair when you are not on the birth certificate, don't have any type of equal rights for parenting, is unable to spend un supervised time with your child and cannot be trusted for doing nothing wrong (she CAN trust me, she is just being a very twisted) I am not violent or has done anything that can discriminate me as a bad person/parent and I just want our child to be brought up with as much love from both sides of the family...but she is making it impossible for me!!!
i have just managed to buy myself an house and a car to get to work. If I don't have a car to get to work, I won't be able to earn money to pay for my bills and to buy my child the better things in life ( if that opportunity was given to me) I have no interest in making my ex partners life [censored]. I just want peace and to bring up our child as equal as possible!!
I have read that CMS take 12% of your wage before you have to pay bills etc...which will leave me homeless and jobless...then I won't be able to give as much support to our child anyway.. She just wants me to be in the same level as her...
Do the CMS take in to consideration my outgoing bills? before they take it from your wages? Or have I mis read that somewhere?
I have tried contacting my ex in regards financial support and contact with my child but she always ignores my messages, doesn't answer my phone calls, her family don't answer my phone calls but I caught one of them adding me on Facebook (which I no longer have) in my eyes; she is making everything impossible for me to get contact but demanding money... None of this sums up in to my head as to why she is being psychopath.
I want to pay for my child as it takes two of us to bring a child in to this world but I have no clue what to do!! Without being forced to pay CMS, my ex isn't It willing to cooperate and be a mature parent. I want to have my child for two nights a week and possibly more in the future to take them on holidays etc... But that is impossible!! As I cannot even be trusted with our child's birth certificate.
Is there any advise or help? Has anyone else been in this situation? I am scared if I took her to court I'm fighting a losing battle as I feel though the courts are more on the woman's side of things (after my experience in mediation) and I am worried I'll lose everything because she will pull me down
Hi there
What you have read is true, the CMS will calculate the amount you need to pay as a percentage of gross income, which for one child is 12%. They don't take into account your outgoings or any earnings the mother has.
Here's the CMS calculator, which will give you an indication of the amount you will be expected to pay.
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
Of course it would be better if you could reach an arrangement to pay between yourselves, you could try separating the two issues of contact and maintenance and deal with each separately. Make the calculation and then write to her to make an offer of an amount you would like to pay, don't link contact in with it, and see if she will respond.
As far as contact, if you attended mediation within the last 4 months you can forego further mediation, contact the mediator, explain that the agreement that you reached in mediation hasn't worked and you want to make an application to court for a parental responsibility and a Child Arrangements Order for contact. There is a certain amount of gender biased in the system, but this is about what is best for the child and courts agree that having both parents involved is what is best for them.
It might help if you attended a Families Need Fathers meeting in your area where you will get face to face support and advice. Here's a link to their website where you'll find details of meetings nationally
www.fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2/local-branch-meetings
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