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Hello
Slightly different question as I am debating whether to go to the CSA or not.
My 14 year old son has moved in with me and my wife (and our 3 year old) since November following a physical fight with his mother.
Bit of Background
When we split up (he was 1) I voluntarily paid maintenance every month but she wanted more so she went to the CSA who assessed our case and actually reduced the amount I had to pay so as a good boy I paid what they said I had to pay. Following this she became more and more abusive and restricted my access more and more and following her seeing another bloke who my son had started to call daddy, and my job moving it became more difficult to see my son and I let the visits tail off but continued to pay every month.
When he was 10 she split up with her Husband and by then had 2 girls as well . And my son had asked to start seeing me again so we started having him every 2 weeks, and the relationship all round improved including that with my ex wife and as she was struggling we increased the maintenance to try to help.
Over the next few years my son started to complain about the same things that annoyed me with his mother and led to our breakup, she is lazy and messy and expects everyone else to run around after her, he was doing all the housework, looking after his sisters etc.
This led to several fights between them, with me trying to keep the peace but then they had an actual fight in November with her trying to strangle him and leaving marks all over his neck - hence he now lives with us and sees her when he wants to (about once a month).
My problem is around the amount she is paying in maintenance. I was paying £250 a month and she is paying £80. I don't know what she earns but she has a senior position in a very large national company and has gone part time to bring herself just below the higher tax bracket so she works less but comes out with more (she told me this when we were on good terms) so i know she earns more than I do. But when we discussed the amount she pleads poverty and has told me she is all sorts of debt and has an IVA which limits her disposable income, but when my son visits he comes back with tales of her recent spending spree's large TV's in every room, new iphone 5 for her and daughter (who is 9) etc etc
now we are not desperate but things are tight and obviously a teenage boy who has discovered clothes etc is expensive. And he has just asked to go on a school trip that will cost £400 and when i spoke to her about helping with the cost she laughed at me and put the phone down. My current wife wants me to go to the CSA to make her pay but I know it will mean abusive calls and visits with lots of crying, she will blame my son for all this and start being horrible to him again and also burden her parents with this, they are lovely people and i was sorry to lose them in the divorce.
I don know what to do, she should pay more and it would satisfy my current wife but I just don't want all the upset that comes with it, i have enough putting up with a hormonal teenager, active 3 year old and my wife is ill so i end up looking after her a lot.
Sorry, if this sounds a bit brutal, but I think your ex is taking the p*ss, and you're letting her get away with it - she had no hesitation in taking you to the CSA, so why should you hesitate to do the same when the situation is reversed. She earns more than you and if she's taken a cut in salary by reducing her hours, then any poverty (or claimed poverty) is self-imposed.
If you aren't struggling for money, then any extra you get, you can put into a saving account for your children. If she is nasty to your son, then he won't want to see her even once a month - that is her fault and not his, and perhaps she'll realise that her actions have consequences.
Hi Stever.
Thank you for your post. I am William the Child Maintenance Options consultant.
I understand that you do not want to cause upset for your son by speaking to his mother about increasing the amount she pays, but she does have a responsibility to provide regular and reliable financial support for him.
You also mention that she says that she has debts to pay, but payments in respect of child maintenance are for the benefit of your son and are considered a priority, which means that maintenance should be paid before a range of other bills.
The family-based arrangement you currently have in place, is simply an agreement between you and your son's mother about who will provide what for him. It does not have to be just about exchanging money, buying your son clothes or paying for school trips could count, for example. This type of arrangement is not legally binding, but it is flexible so it can be changed as circumstances change.
To help you to renegotiate you family-based arrangement, we have got several guides that you may find useful. We have a Child maintenance decisions: Information for parents with the main day to day care of their child guide, which gives details of the options available to you and offers information to help you with the negotiation process. We also have a Child maintenance decisions: A guide to talking about money, this provides information around discussing finances and agreeing child maintenance.
Additionally, we have a family-based arrangement form that is not a legally enforceable document but may put your agreement on a more formal basis. You can complete this together and sign your names to show your commitment to your arrangement. If you feel that any of these will help you, they are available to download from our website at http://www.cmoptions.org/en/maintenance/index.asp. We also have a discussion guide on our website that you may find useful.
If you feel that mediation may help you to come to an arrangement that you are both happy with, Gov.uk (which is a Government website) has a service which may help you to find a mediator in your area. You can find this at: http://find-legal-advice.justice.gov.uk/.
If you would like an idea how much child maintenance could be worked out for you by the Child Support Agency (CSA), you can use the online calculator that is available on our website. You may want to use this figure as a starting point to renegotiate your family-based arrangement.
If you are unable to continue with your family-based arrangement, you can make an application to the CSA. The CSA have two schemes available, you can set up a Direct Pay arrangement. This is where the CSA calculates child maintenance but you and your son's mother agree how payments will be made. Once they have calculated the maintenance amount, the CSA will not contact either of you again unless someone's circumstances change or you tell them that she has missed or fallen behind with her payments.
Under the CSA's Collect and Pay service they calculate, collect and enforce payments on your behalf, as some people prefer the security and help of third party involvement. If an application is made to the CSA, your son's mother's responsibility to pay will start from around the time that the CSA contact her. If you have got any questions about the CSA, or if you would like to set up maintenance using their service, you can contact them directly. You can also find information about how they work out child maintenance online at http://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance.
If you would like to find out more about how Child Maintenance Options can help you visit cmoptions.org or call us free on 0800 988 0988 between 8am and 8pm Monday to Friday or 9am and 4pm on Saturday.
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