[Solved] There should be a law...

Wow this has got heated.
I think everyone in a new relationship should protect themselves, for stds and then pregnancies, I think we would all like to trust what people say but its up to the individual to protect themselves but I expect some of us have done this and been lucky !
My son was told by the mother of his child, she was on the pill and he believed her. Then 3 months later, told it could be a possible 3 fathers, deep joy ! (I paid for a DNA) Having unprotected [censored] can affect everyone..
Now I can see where the two guys are coming from its not fair to be used to be a sperm donor and they are both angry and frustrated by it. We are all here to help each other so I'm suggesting we put our own personal views to bed and get on with helping those who need it ...

I agree NJ, and to be fair to RK, he didn't agree with the opinions, but he put up a reasoned argument - I believe his reasons are flawed, but he's entitled to his opinion.

To Tez, I won't find myself in that situation, because I am past that now, but I was never in that situation because I either took precautions, or was prepared to be a father (whatever faults my b***h ex has, my children by her are brilliant). My ex girlfriend (before my current wife) also said that she couldn't have children, but if she had become pregnant by me (and I know she would have loved to have done so), I would have been more than happy to have been a father with her as the mother - that was my choice and my responsibility.

quick question actd,

The girlfriend that claimed she could not have children, was that true or a lie??
would you feel the same if she did bear you a child then informed you she lied to you about her ability to concieve?,
Then she tells you, you will have nothing to do with the child and shes not willing to have a test,
10 years later she contacts the CSA as tells them you are a want away father, then the CSA make you pay £250 for a test so you know if your the father, then they start taking 15% of your wage and pensions (without considering your outgoings like rent, food, bills, transport) till the child reaches 16.
then the child goes off to college till hes 20 and your still paying 15% of your wage and pensions till he finishes

Would you feel the same about that child that you do about one you had through normal choices??

quick question actd,

The girlfriend that claimed she could not have children, was that true or a lie??
would you feel the same if she did bear you a child then informed you she lied to you about her ability to concieve?,
Then she tells you, you will have nothing to do with the child and shes not willing to have a test,
10 years later she contacts the CSA as tells them you are a want away father, then the CSA make you pay £250 for a test so you know if your the father, then they start taking 15% of your wage and pensions (without considering your outgoings like rent, food, bills, transport) till the child reaches 16.
then the child goes off to college till hes 20 and your still paying 15% of your wage and pensions till he finishes

Would you feel the same about that child that you do about one you had through normal choices??

It was true - she became pregnant, but knew she would lose it (as she had before), and that did happen. She was gutted, and I was equally gutted for her because I knew she would have loved to have had children. If it had gone full term, I would have been quite prepared to pay the maintenance from day 1, not 10 years later and even though the relationship with her wouldn't have lasted, I would certainly have been part of his/her life.

With my own children, my ex was a total [censored], but I paid 25% of my income to her for maintenance, I made no deduction for my stepdaughter (as the CSA rules say I could), made no deduction for the travel costs (400 mile round trip every 2 weeks - again the CSA allows that reduction) and when I got a pay rise, I increased the maintenance immediately, rather than having to be asked. I did that because my children are my responsibility and because of my involvement, they have grown up to be children I can be proud of - if I had walked away and had no involvement, my children would have had no opportunity to escape from their mother when it became obvious that she was neglecting them, and it's possible that my older daughter would not even be alive.
If my son hadn't been born, I wouldn't even have married my ex in the first place, but I stayed because I loved him and tried to make the marriage work, even though I knew eventually it would fail.

You are right, we don't know you - all we can tell is the picture you have painted of yourself on here, and we have commented according to that picture.

From reading your reply actd, im getting the impression you chose to have the children you mentioned, even the one the girl sadly lost?? would that be accurate??

I commend you for you actions during you fatherhood and agree 100 percent with you, If i had chosen to have children and entered into the responsibility in my own accord then I too would be as upfront as you have been, however, until you have no choice and are then held accountable by draconian laws then you wont fully understand the impact this has.

The question here as I keep getting back to is why the law does not recognize the legitimate claim of men that they were tricked, abused, deceived, what ever the word to describe the action is, into father a child?. Why is what these women did to me and RK allowed to happen without consequences, we live in a 21st century with many ways to prevent pregnancy, but why is the emphasis on using it still down to a man, and not to a woman. why does the CSA take 15% of my wage and give it to a woman to support a child she had with a virtual stranger, why does she get to keep all of the 15% without any deduction to her benefits, the system is corrupt and it needs to be fixed, but we can never fix it if people like NJ look at the action of having a child rather than the right to have or have not a child.

here is a quick representation of the woman in question.

She has lived on benefits all here life,
She now has 5 children to what I have found out is 4 different fathers
She gave her first child away (i was not aware of this at the time)
She was given a four bedroom house when she had only one child to house.)
She claimed my offspring has ADHD so she can claim more benefits (I have been informed hes fine)

The reason this woman has done all the above is because this country has let her. until this changes you will see more story's in newspapers about women with 11 kids and being given 2 houses that have been converted into 1 at great expense to the tax payer. When you see these articles i bet it makes you angry and frustrated as it makes me, but remember it all starts with child number one, and unless something is done to stop these type of people, number 2, number 3, number 4.......... get my drift?

what did this woman do to you? Did she hold you down and rape you? If not, then she did nothing to you except exploit your own weakness, and you were fool to play to it. As I said, you could have done something long ago to prevent it, but you chose not to.

It was not my wish or intention to conceive my son - in fact we were not aware that she was pregnant at the time I have my first vasectomy. The choice was my ex's. My second child - my daughter (who is still alive - my point was that if I had left her with her mother, I do not believe she would have been) was our choice - that was why the reversal. My third daughter was not my choice at all, but it happened and she is equal to the other two in my life.

If I hadn't had children (and it wasn't my intention at the time), then my lifestyle would have been considerably better - I made sacrifices because I had children. You complain you may have to give up one of your motorcycles. Wow, that means you will still have at least one. When I went for custody of my children, the legal bill was 40k (it would have been 50k, but a family connection gave me a 20% reduction). Plus I had to spend 90k on extending the house, which only added 50k to the value, so fighting for my children cost me 80k, and my ex pays a mere 5 per week in maintenance, so the whole cost of bringing up the children for the last 7 years, and the next 7 or so for my youngest rests with me. So forgive me if I don't sympathise with you about your motorbike or your loss of lifestyle.

The draconian laws, as you call them, are there to ensure that the state (and that means me and all other taxpayers) does not have to pick up the bill for the mistakes of men who don't take responsibility for their actions. If that ex of yours can't afford to bring up your child, what do you suggest should happen - should it starve to death? I doubt that even you would think that is right. So what do you suggest exactly?

You are misinformed I'm afraid, you and me are still picking up the bill for this woman and child and will be for quite some time. the maintenance i pay does not come of this woman benefit, she gets to keep everything, all her benefits and the 15% from me so the state are not protecting you at all.

No this woman did not rape me, she did lie about it, she did so knowing that i did not want a child, and she has admitted that i was nothing more than a donor, but now I am expected to financially cover her choice. You dont see something wrong with that?

My two-pence piece-worth is going to be that finances and contact are two very separate issues.

Peace out 🙂

OK I have reviewed this thread and have decided to remove certain posts that I don't feel furthers the conversation.

The conversation on this thread has got quite heated and has descended to abuse.

Whilst we welcome (and even encourage) debate and difference of opinion on the forum, I believe this has gone far beyond what is acceptable.

Any futher abuse directed at members of the community will be deleted and the perpetrator/s will be banned.

Gooner.