[Solved] Sound familiar? Parental Alienation

Hi there,

I'll share my experience with you.

My son was often feeling run down, unwell or tired on many of the occasions he came to me - even during the school holidays - particularly if he'd been with his mum for a week. It happened frequently enough for me to monitor this over several months. What I eventually worked out was my son was allowed by his mum to stay up much later than I would allow him to -sometimes as much as almost 3 hours later. I also worked out that she crammed a lot of activities and outings in when he was with her - the result being he was often exhausted when I picked him up, and on some occasions clearly ill within a couple of hours. On the whole, I tend not to make any arrangements on the days I pick him up, so he can have a quiet first day indoors.

I have significant differences with his mother, but I know she loves him, so I don't think there is any conscious malicious intent. In my opinion, she has no real ability to self-reflect. A court order radically increased the amount of time our son spends with me (it was trebled, and even with that my son still spends more than half his time with his mum), and being the person she is, she overfills the time when our son is with her to compensate for what she feels she's lost, even years later. We barely talk, but she wouldn't take kindly to any feedback from me no matter how diplomatically put anyway, because she believes she knows best.

She has tried inferring that my son has become ill soon after coming to me because of neglect, but I've generally managed to establish either through common friends who've seen him at or near the time of the handover, or by taking him soon after for a check up, that he was actually unwell at the time I picked him up. She also tried to suggest it was in his 'best interests' that I reduce the amount of time he spent with me 'for a while', so he could get better. I let her know I had no problems looking after him and would take him to the doctor if necessary, and left it at that. We both have to agree to any changes in the order - those days where she could impose her whims are over. Maybe you could do something along this line. If you do choose to reply, keep it short. I've made the mistake of trying to address my son's mum's 'concerns' - even when I knew they weren't genuine and just double standards - it simply gave her the opportunity to try to cross-examine almost every word I'd written and put negative slants on them.

What might be a problem for your daughter as time goes on is the distance between her two homes. My son's mum came form a separated home. One of the things I recall her telling me (back in the days we could actually talk) was that as she became old enough for secondary school, she found it increasingly harder to want to go and see her dad on the weekends because of missing out on spending time with her friends, and she feigned illness to get out of going for the odd weekend here and there. I saw her very sudden decision to relocate our son 200 miles away in the middle of proceedings to increase the amount of time he spent with me, as a very cynical attempt to bring about a repeat scenario for my son. Ultimately, I relocated (initially part-time) nearby, and got a court order defining the times my son spent with both his parents. Years on, she remains deeply unhappy at both events.

Ultimately, I talk with my son (he's now 9). The Court Order was written up 5 years ago. I have reluctantly started talking to him about it (mainly because he told me his mum had been speaking to him about it, and he was wanting to ask questions). He now has a greater understanding of why his times with each parent is so set, and I also push the boat out in arranging a 'play date' with at least one of his school friends for at least half of the weekends he's with me.

I hope you manage to make things work out.

I think also to consider your daughters feelings around the continued travel.

My daughter is now 15. Her mothers boyfriend for the last 3 years is a 90 minute drive away and she was coming home from school on a Friday and getting straight into the car to go on the 90 minute drive for the weekend. After a while it became repetitive and boring for her and she tired of the same long routine. Eventually she asked her mother if she could not go so often.

So it could be a simple case of her not looking forward to the weekend because the long drive there and back has become wearing for her.