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Hi All.
This is my first message here, nice to see a supportive community.
What prompted me to join was that I need an objective opinion about my situation.
My son is 17 and at college. He has an on/off part time job and is terrible with money.
I pay a certain amount of voluntary maintenance since he was 2 at separation, with me taking a lot of concessions that I felt I had to, as my perception was that his mum held all the say-so etc.
Anyway, I'm now officially classified as a full time student, and this gives me a little more flexibility, and a bit of power back , if only in my mind, (I believe being a student means I wouldn't be assessed as having to pay at all if it came to it, not that I would ever shirk out of paying obvs). I still work part time on top of my studies and currently still pay what I always have, though its left me struggling financially lately.
Anyway, my son keeps asking for handouts all the time which is becoming unaffordable. His mum doesn't agree with giving him an allowance to manage as he is bad with money so gives him the bare minimum. A few times he has left himself without food or travel money, and his mums line seems to be 'ask your dad'. She works full time and lets other people sort it out quite often. I know that he should be better with money, but I think the way to teach him isn't to make sure he never has any to manage.
I've just checked on the calculator and I've actually been overpaying for about a year by about 10%. I put forward that I pay her what I have to according to that (if I wasn't classifying myself as a student), and pay him the rest as an allowance to help him get used to money, with a view to shifting the balance as he gets better with money. (the better he does, the more he gets..and of course, the less she gets).
This has prompted quite a bit of vitriol from his mother, insinuating that I'm trying to sherk out of paying all together. 'You pay me until he's 18, then you can do what you want'..exact words. She's saying if I cant afford to look after my son, I should have not applied to become a student. This is the main reason ive kept paying the same, to avoid that exact argument.
My questions are, what do you think of the moral case for me switching to paying some money to him? Do you think this is a bad idea?
His mum says 'just say no to him' when he asks for money, but I'm not willing to do that if there's any chance that he's not able to get home from work etc.
My wife says just pay what I always have, pay him what you can afford to on top and switch it all totally to him when he's 18 seeing as his mum said that (its only about a year away),, cut off all comms with his mother bar emergencies and finally be free of her influence with the least hassle possible... (she lies a lot, is quick to get in contact when she cant handle him and he needs telling off etc, and generally manipulates people and my missus is getting fed up with it. I wont go into too much detail as I don't want it to be about our relationship/slagging off really, so you can take that with a pinch of salt).
I sort of begrudge this method a bit though as paying her less would give me the opportunity to give him more.
I've agreed to go with my wifes way for now and am just paying him what I can afford on top of my usual maintenance, but do you think this is the right thing to do? Am I being too soft on him? ..or her for that matter.
There is a psychological barrier in my mind of not wanting to rock the boat with his mum in case she tries to make my life difficult somehow, I'm sure you guys might understand that feeling.
Hope that makes sense.
I've always had him a lot by the way. Currently he chooses to stay at my parents at least a couple of nights a week, and at mine 1 or 2 nights, just for ref. I don't want to put the amounts in as I want it to be about the morality of it over anything else.
Cheers in advance for the input!
As you are paying more than you need to, it's reallyt up to you as to whether you continue paying your ex or to pay some to your son. It might be best if you tell your son that you'll pay for specific items, such as a travel pass or things that you know he needs, but that you can't pay beyond that, he will need to understand that you can't keep forking out.
Thanks. Its a sticky one.
My thoughts now after sleeping on it are that i'll continue the status quo until he's 18 and then I'll be free to do whatever, by her own preference.
Its frustrating as its another example of disparity in a literal sea of it, but probably not worth rocking the boat over. (nautical metaphors ahoy!). Thanks again for the input. Good idea re the money management.
Hi there
You're a nicer person than me...if I were in your shoes and didn't have to pay the ex because of my student status, I would stop payment to her and just support my child! Especially if I was struggling financially.
It's sensible to help your son to start managing money in my opinion, and keeping your wife happy is more of a priority than not rocking the boat with your ex.
All the best
Hello JV10000
As you have a family-based arrangement in place for your son’s maintenance payments it really is up to you and your son’s mum to decide the terms of your agreement.
Family-based arrangements are not legally binding therefore not enforceable by law, however, are very flexible and can be easily changed so like now you have had a change in circumstances your agreement can be adapted to incorporate these without any disruption to your regular payments.
If you do wish to help your son directly and help him improve his financial responsibilities you can implement these changes to your arrangement. There are different ways you can negotiate your agreement with your son’s mum and Child Maintenance Options do have some supporting tools on their website at https://www.cmoptions.org that might help you both come to a new agreement.
You can find their Talking About Money Guide and Discussion Guide which are full of information to help you plan your conversation with your son’s mum and how to negotiate a new agreement. They also point out the financial costs involved in raising a child and can give you both new ideas about what can be included in your agreement.
One thing that you may wish to be more aware of is that under child support legislation, regular child maintenance payments must be made until a child is 16 years old, or 20 if they are in full-time, non-advanced education (A-level or equivalent), or for as long as Child Benefit is being paid. If you son does stay in full-time education you may be required to continue contributing after his 18th birthday.
If you wish you can consider your other options for maintenance and another option you have is to make an application with the Child Maintenance Service. This is the Government’s statutory scheme and they can act as a third party between parents who are unable to come to an amicable agreement between themselves.
With regard to your situation about being a full-time student, the Child Maintenance Service have produced a leaflet which may help clarify your maintenance requirement for your son and you can find this by using the following link https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/325219/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance.pdf.
Another choice you have for arranging child maintenance is through the courts in the form of a Consent Order in England and Wales and Minute of Agreement in Scotland. This is an agreement where you and your son’s mum with the support of a solicitor would need to agree what to include then the agreement is presented in court and is ratified.
You may also be interested to know the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) have a website, 'Sorting out Separation'. It aims to make it much easier for separating and separated parents (and childless couples) to find the support they need, when and where they need it, and encourages them to collaborate on a range of issues. The link is http://www.sortingoutseparation.org.uk/
For more information on the different ways to set up child maintenance and for a more personalised service, you may wish to visit the Child Maintenance Options website yourself.
Regards
William
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