Really running out of any fight left in me.
Seperated from my partner of 20 years in Jan 2023, only to find she had been in a relationship since the previous november with a dr at work (shes a nurse)
I pay maintenance for our youngest 2 who are 14 and 16, and have them every weekend. Our agreement is every saturday night, but ive had times where ive had them for a week while she goes on holiday with her fella, ive had them for a week in school holidays, ive had them extra nights because shes been away or because the kids have asked to stay.
Initially the amount was calculated on my previous tax year from while together, when i was doing loads of overtime as we was saving to buy a house together. i had a week off work when we seperated, after that my boss wouldnt give me any overtime, in fear of me needing time off again and never been able to get that overtime back.
Im saddled with debts from while we was together, car finance and a loan, aswell as the fact she kept all the savings.
she tells maintenance i dont have the kids when i have them more than once per week on average.
Now our eldest has returned to college last week, hes 19. I cannot afford even more maintenance.
Ex is saying she is going to get them to collect payments as ive paid a week late twice, due to me being paid every 28 days so my pay date changes every month.
I cant afford to do anything with the kids when i have them, so i feel such a dissapointment, while she is with her doctor and is much better financially than me despite it being her who cheated, her who had another relationship, her who kept our savings while leaving me with debt.
Im at my wits end, beginning to feel like i should just throw myself off a bridge or something.
I have a very good relationship with my youngest 2, who are well aware of how things ended, they heard the arguments etc unforutunately, my eldest though doesnt bother, he barely leaves his bedroom and doesnt even respond to me anymore.
Ive utterly had enough. im on minumum wage and feel i have nothing to offer my kids other than love. people say thats all they need, but we all know thats not the case. i feel like a deadbeat but im trying my best and cannot see any way out.
I tried to better myself and get a better job, she even put a stop to that by making false accusations that while i was never charged with anything, still shows up on dbs as investigated.. its all such a mess.
hi,
sorry to hear your having tough time. if your having suicidal thoughts please speak to samaritans for free on 116 123.
with car finance and loans that belong to your ex, you should able to claim expense from CMS. have you done this?
Is it possible for your employer to pay you on a fixed date each month? you could explain the situation with CMS to them.
finances are in my name, nothing I can do about them. The car I have, she doesn’t drive, but it was for her benefit for lifts to work etc and she wouldn’t let us buy one out of our savings , that she kept, almost feels like it was planned to leave me in the hole I’m in. The car is in disrepair, can’t just sell it or anything, needs repairs I can’t afford, MOT is out and probably wouldn’t currently pass and insurance runs out in Dec that I can’t afford to renew.
work cannot change the date I’m paid, it’s every 28 days , it’s a national company with thousands of staff.
Ive got 13 months to pay for loan, 15 months on car and 19 months on another smaller loan that I got to pay for a holiday for her and the kids just as we was breaking up foolishly (she blocked me a week after returning from that holiday 6 months later)
i try to tell myself, 19 months then I’m out of this mess other than paying maintenance, but when every month is a struggle, every month I have to rotate which bill I’m not paying, I simply cannot manage anymore.
I can’t try to go and meet anyone, what can I offer them? I can never afford to do anything with the kids.
she went on holiday abroad with her fella and left me with the kids , didn’t even tell me she was going til 3 days before. I had to get the kids to school 20 miles away and feed them for a week.
i have them every Saturday overnight, only had 4 weekends in 18 months that I’ve not been able to have them, but take into account holidays etc it is definitely over 1 night per week i have them and closer to 2. Maintenance don’t care though, they just listen to her, try to say anything different they just hang the phone up.
@damo80 have you tried a debt management company. can try t step change https://www.stepchange.org/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw3P-2BhAEEiwA3yPhwAu6PvOBRlxLlq4sBUmd-_GMIhmwRF9bBXdGwulwV1ET8bkonEPWcxoCtNkQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
it’s something I’ve tried to sort, but apparently debt management companies can’t do anything about car finance and I can’t remember what the reason was but they couldn’t merge my loans into one payment or anything, I can’t remember the details but it wasn’t able to do anything of any real help for whatever reasons.
feel like I’ve been exhausted all my options.
it’s either carry on struggling, or don’t…
I’ve even tried desperately to do something I found on Facebook that turned out to be a scam and cost me £4000 , was all I had left to get myself back on my feet when first seperate but out of desperation allowed myself to get conned and things are much worse now than they was even then.
To be honest I don’t even know why I posted it on here.
Ive tried so much , so I know there’s not really much anyone behind a screen on a forum is going to be able to say. I guess I just needed somewhere to rant.
dont even have the [censored] to end it all myself, find myself wishing for an accident so that the kids wouldn’t think any worse of me.
just feel like im drowning.
@damo80 Thank you so much for reaching out to us at Dad.Info and for having the confidence to share your circumstances here. I am really sorry to hear about your current situation and would like to reiterate Bill's comments relating to talking to someone, and recommend that you look into contacting your GP, as well as organisations such as the Samaritans or CALM. If you also check your private messages we have offered a little bit of extra info for you.
Please know that we are here for you and please know that whilst this may be an online forum, we know that it was a real person, a real dad, who cares deeply for his children who took the time to write that first message. Please don't feel like you are alone, as we have a community here of people who have also endured some tough times, but amongst them there are a lot of people who have got through those tough times, the darkness. There is a light at the end, and whilst it may take a little time to get there, you can get there too because you have taken that first step.