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Hi I am new to the site, I have to say it is really nice to see and read that I am not alone and I have loads of questions so I will try to keep this brief.
I am from the UK and moved to Spain for better life with my wife 8 years ago in 2004, we are both now 38 years years old and have 3 children 9, 10 and 14 years old. We are now divorced and three years ago she left to the UK and I continued to stay in Spain where the business I built up is now still doing fairly OK. I travel every 3 to 4 weeks to see the kids and have them for holidays.
The last 3 years has been a roller coaster with my ex wife her ability to help me and facilitate me seems subject to whether I have another woman in my life, I have been paying her off the record £800 per month, I know she is claiming benefits, I also have to pay 50% of all presents to the kids, last birthday she gave me 247£ bill for my daughter birthday which caused major conflict, I have to pay for accommodation whilst I visit the kids and when the kids are with me every month or for 2 weeks in holidays I pay for everything including the full maintenance.
I have had enough I am now told from her that I am pathetic and a disgrace that I did not follow her back to UK when she left, the true reason we had a heart to heart last holidays when she came to spain with kids and I put her and her sister in alternative accommodation and paid for flights is that she still cares about me and still had hope that we would get back together, I have suffered so much with the abuse from this woman over 3 years I have no love for her, she moved my kids to the North of UK Liverpool just outside, my family are all 300 miles away in Kent so it makes my visitation very uncomftable, I had a flat that I rented there to use for 2 years but was spending one weekend per month costing me 500£ per month and I gave it up last month.
I moved in to a relationship quite early on from my divorce and could not give the whole of my self to her I love her very much, beautiful girl Scandinavean 29 years old no children but wants family more than anything. I felt it wasn't right constantly pushing her away not involving her with my family and children all the time because I know the grief I would get from my ex wife, I felt she should have a chance with someone who didnt have complicated life and could start a fresh with out all this grief. I finished the relationship 6 months ago. She moved back to her home country.
We have been talking a lot online seen each other a few times and she has made it clear to me that wants to spend the rest of my life with me loves my children and where ever I decide to be she will come with. My business is fairly flexible and the business partners I have have been very supportive up until now where the patience level is wearing thin.
I am lost guys really lost don't know where to turn what is right thing to do any more I feel that I am spinning so many plates and don't know where to start first.
I can come back to the UK permanently be nearer the children in a place that I know no one up North of course my children, I can have a business online and lose a major part of my income however still have around 20,000 pounds as a cushion per year or consider moving to Kent near my family then travel by train which is 2.5 hours door to door.
I would like some advice PLEASE on maintenance, perhaps some friendly guidance.
Hi there and welcome 🙂
It is my feeling that your success is your childrens success ultimately. I would be very careful about giving up your business, your girlfriend who you love, and return to a place where you will be isolated, and where your business will suffer. The danger would be discontentment that would lead to unhappiness and even bitterness... This could all impact on your relationship with your children in the long term.
I think you should consider paying maintenance through the CSA, or at the very least make sure that the payments you pay are through a standing order that states clearly that the payment is maintenance for your 3 children. You can see your children during holidays, you can communicate through skype etc and travel to the UK for visits inbetween. My dad was in the Petrochemical industry and worked abroad on long contracts, we saw him during holidays and when he came home on leave...we managed fine! Of course we missed each other but it was great to write and receive letters regularly, speak on the phone, and holidays were special! Gifts for the children should be bought seperately as you both lead separate lives now.... you need to cut the ties to your ex in this way.
As far as your ex is concerned by paying for holidays for her and sister etc., you may be inadvertently sending mixed messages. For her sake and for yours, you need to draw a line....yes she is the mother of your children, will always be in your life and deserves respect, but contact should involve your children only.
This is just my opinion and I wish you well with whatever you decide. 🙂
Thank you you are right and the discontentment is something that I am very conscious of.
I am suppose to see the children this weekend and told my ex wife when I saw her on the 7th November on my daughters birthday that I was having the children the last weekend of the month.
Unfortunately 2 weeks ago when clarifying the details she thought I meant last weekend as I pick them up on a Thursday and I thought it was today as we on the 29th. I had already booked flights and she stated she had plans with the kids this weekend and I would have to change and I said flights were booked already and said could she not change round her plans, by the way her plans were to take kids christmas shopping and cinema, now the kids knew nothing of any plans and I explain to my ex wife that she could do this either weekend either side with much more ease than me changing round my flights and work schedule.
As a compromise she told me that I could have the children from 6pm this saturday till 12pm Sunday!!!
I have questioned it and it ends in verbal abuse so I am now here in uk and gone to see my family and then going up to see the kids on Saturday, which has annoyed me, subsequently she has told my daughter that she is taking them to cinema on Sunday and ice skating and I know it sounds so petty but this is what I do with the kids all the time it is like she is trying purposely to go out of her way to punish me.
I have already agreed to pick the children up because she wants them for Christmas on 28th and return them on 4th January. She has now told me she will not be bringing the kids down to Kent and I need to get them which she agreed to initially that is why I booked my flights into London, this is a major pain now and very expensive with train tickets and involves me travelling an extra 3 hours to get the kids to turn around and do another 3 hours on train back to my family and vice versus on 4th.
Hand on heart my children love me and I love them I had children because I wanted to spend all my time with them and I constantly feel guilty and I have a very good relationship but I cant feel this negativity is going to rub off and there is games and minuplation from her side.
My friends and family said she is treating me like a mug and should stop the 800£ per month I am having the kids a lot and suggest to pay the CSA route and pay 400£ per month. Then if the kids need clothes and trainers books etc I can go with them and chose gets me involved they know I am doing something then. She had me paying her dad for the first year because she is claiming house benefit and benefits and I refused to do it after a year now pay her directly to her bank by online transfer.
I feel that this is the route I want to take and I will never see my kids go without but if they need something on top then they can come to me directly when I see them.
She is getting an extra 200 pound week working cash in hand selling items on ebay so she is really getting a lot and I feel if I am having to pay extras fro travel, time and money then why should I be so generous because at the moment it just seems one way. And one side I feel guilty because she has the kids most of the time and I am not there to be a full time father.
Your advice above was fantastic and I would appreciate some more on the monies side.
Hi again,
These manuvoures on her part are all about power and control over you, and by behaving in this way she is putting her own personal feelings about the break up above what is best for the children.. I agree with your friends and family, and think that a properly worked out agreement through the CSA, with top ups for things the children need would be a better arrangement for you. You would regain some control over your situation and be more involved with the children as you say.
If you take a look at the sticky which is at the top of the Finance section, I think its called "How to calculate your CSA payments" or something similar, it will link you to a CSA leaflet which has lots of useful info. You can also google the CSA calculator which will give you a good idea of what you should be paying.
If you are paying by bank transfer then it would be advisable to state that it is maintenance for 3 children somewhere on the transaction. I dont want to alarm you but there are some Dads that have fallen foul because the money they had been paying wasnt specified as being a maintenance payment. If the CSA havent been involved before, they can only take money from the point that they are contacted about it.
It doesnt appear that you can do much about the extra fares and travelling at christmas, but perhaps in the future, get the arrangements agreed by her and then let the kids know the plans before booking flights etc. This way once the children are informed of the arrangements for visits she will find it a lot harder to change them at whim.
God luck with it all 🙂
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