Please help. Main carer on life support & I am the paying Father

At age 16, your daughter can make her own decision as to where she lives and the courts won't override this. Others on here with more up to date experience will be able to advise you in detail, but once she's living with you, apply for the child benefit and once you have that, you can advise CMS that you are now the Parent with care and you want the case closed, and you also have the right then to open a case against your ex if she does get an income once she recovers.

Hi,
I would suggest to hold off from contacting CMS for now. Wait and see what happens. Your ex may recover in few weeks. If not and the stepdad doesn't allow your child to live with you, then you can think about taking action.

Thank you very much for both of your replies I really appreciate it.

My ex's prognosis does not look good and she has been on life support for 1 month now. My daughter does not like her step dad, he is not cruel but he is not very caring and she is looking forward to moving in with me. Her step dad won't stop that but it will cause arguments.

I have never claimed CHB or even know what to do. I just know I can not realistically have that huge amount of money coming out of my bank account and also have her move in with me.

I am already getting anxiety thinking about how the CMS will just be unhelpful. How do I even prove that her Mother is on life support? I don't have access to my daughters passport or birth certificate even and also her surname is not mine as her Mother wanted her to have her surname.

I am trying to be as strong as I can but I am just finding it hard to cope and have noone to turn to for advice.

Hi

You have to take it one step at a time and not rush.

There will be a logical order to do things.

Whilst your daughter is 16, the CMS will want evidence to say she is living with you. As you have PR unless you believe your ex partners family will make life difficult your daughter can come and stay with you whenever she decides..

To me it sounds like you need to apply to the court to have your daughter come and live with you permanently, as she is 16 they will grant her wishes. Once you have the court order you can use it to apply for CHB and get the CMS to stop taking payments etc..

The reason I am suggesting court order and not just CHB is that if your ex is already getting the CHB is may be complex to get them to pay it to you instead without evidence as again they will need evidence..

I'm sure others more knowledgeable than me will advise however as I say don't rush things, try to get a feel for what exes family think and the most logical route to sorting things.

All the best.

Perhaps just wait it out a little while and see what happens with the mother?

Courts don't generally make orders for anyone aged 16-18 unless its in exceptional circumstances and I would have thought this is exactly that.

If you choose not to apply to court, once your daughter is with you, you can contact Child Benefit to make a claim and inform the CMS of the current circumstances.

Best of luck. It must be an incredibly difficult time for your daughter.

One question I should have asked, which might clarify, before you ex was ill, did your daughter still want to live with you, or is it that she has wanted to do this only since her mother is in hospital? If she's always wanted to, then that's her choice to do really, but if it's only the current situation with her mother in hospital that's making her want to leave, then I think you'd need to wait for a while to see what happens.

As the others have said. Your daughter is 16 so she can choose to live with you whenever she wants. If she wants to stay with you while her mum recovers, there is no stopping her. In terms of the CMS, i am unsure if they will reduce your payments in the interim? the main focus is your daughter, just tell her if she wants to stay with you during this, then she can do.

Hello steveuk,
I’m sorry to read about your daughters mum. It must be a very difficult time for all involved at the moment. I can’t offer any help re the practical and financial aspect, but I would just like to say that both you and your daughter may well be facing a difficult time of bereavement ahead and perhaps it would be worth preparing for that too? I understand it’s your ex-partner but she’s your daughters mum too, so it may bring back memories for you that you will have to deal with. Although your daughter is 16, she may find dealing with grief really tough especially if she hasn’t experienced it before. I would encourage you to use charities that specialise in bereavement e.g Winstons Wish who specialise in counselling children who have suffered a loss, Cruse the bereavement charity, Care for the Family - who also have people to speak too about this. Keep communication open with your daughter - share memories together about what your daughter loved about her mum, if it’s not too painful - the times you had together too? It’s all part of your daughters family history. If she likes to journal - keep a feelings diary. Reassure her as much as you can. She may have all kinds of feelings - anger, sadness to name a few. Remember to be kind to yourself too - do something for you , even if it’s only half an hour each day of relaxation. Write down what it is you’re worried about. Accept the things that are currently out of your control and that you can’t change. Take things one day at a time. Sadly Covid has taken away many people too soon - so please remember you are not alone. If you have a close friend/ relative that you can talk too, then do. If you’re looked after then you will be better equipped to look after your daughter. I respect how you are considering your ex- partners family too , I wish you well in difficult circumstances. Kind regards , Fegans PSV