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Hey all,
Ned some advice really. I'll try and cut it short for you to save you all reading a novel! Was in a violent relationship for 18 months, with my ex girlfriend being the violent one. Only stayed with her because she fell pregnant and (1) I didn't want a child with someone I wasn't going to be with again, so decided to work at it and hope it stopped (2) I really didn't trust her with my son with her temper. I finally left her after she threw a pan of boiling water over me which burnt all down my side and arm. I had her done for ABH for it as violence is wrong from either side of a relationship in my opinion, and I had tried giving her chances to stop it.
We had split on numerous occasions during the relationship as a result of it, and on several occasions she told me that he wasn't my son as she had cheated on me etc, I have emails to support this as this is how we used to have contact when we split for a period of time, this is because I would block her on everything else.
Anyway. She wouldn't allow me to see him for the period leading up to her trial, and I never got the chance to bond with him as a result of this. She then decided a few months later that I could start seeing him, which I did every week end. Most week ends from a Friday to a Sunday. Then one weekend, after making arrangements for me to pick him up on a Saturday afternoon so I could go out on the Friday night on a date, she decided to text me and tell me I HAD to pick him up at 9:30am because she had booked herself in for a tattoo. I refused to change plans just to suit her after she had originally agreed and even suggested the original plans. She then went ballistic on me telling me if I don't I'll never see him again. And to be honest I had expected this before I started to see him again, this is the type of person she is. Her daughter doesn't even know her dad because of her.
So she stopped me seeing him, and went straight to the CSA because she knew they would take more off me than she was already getting as I wasn't having him any more, which was her doing not mine. This was several months ago and I cannot afford the £1500 to go to court at the moment. Now today I get an email telling me she wants her new Fiancee to adopt my son. And when I told her if she did that I would no longer be liable for CSA she changed her mind. Because all she cares about is the money. She wanted me to give up my parental responsibility so they can live as a proper family and he has all the responsibility, yet me still pay for a son I am not allowed to see. I think this is very greedy and unfair on all counts.
As a result of all this, I am now questioning the paternity of my son anyway. What kind of mother would do all this if I were his biological dad? She has previously told me he wasn't mine, then told me she just wanted to hurt me. And now she wants someone else to adopt him. I have never done anything to deserve any of this, I was always true to her and our relationship, but she was violent because she didn't trust me. I really don't know what to do about this, I cannot afford a test and I am paying £143 a month for a child that may not even be mine because I am on his birth certificate. She doesn't want me in his life, wants another man to adopt him yet doesn't want that enough for me to stop paying for him when I am not allowed to even see him. It doesn't make any sense, I feel like she is still trying to punish me for leaving her and taking her to court for the violence..
Any help or advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks in advance
G
Hey and welcome to the forum 🙂
You have defo come to the right place for advice and support dadinfo was a god send for me and it still is.
I'm really sorry you are going through all of that, you will find most dads on here have had similar [censored] of their ex's it's just unreal I still don't know what gets into these women.
On the plus side you can get a court order and you can represent yourself it will cost you £215 and that's it for the duration of the case, it is doable and most dads on here have had great results, it doesn't seem like it at first but the courts do bend over backwards for dads to see there kids as it's the law that every child has the right to BOTH parents in their lives.
You will be able to get a DNA test done to prove the child is yours too.
On the face of it with the DV you should actually be able to get legal aid and to me it looks like you have a brilliant case so it won't cost you a penny I'm not sure of the ins and outs of it but I'm sure someone else can advise better.
Unfortunately as you are paying CSA that doesnt mean you can have automatic contact thats why you have to apply for a child arrangement order as they are separated matters completely.
Keep your chin up man this can and will be sorted out trust me 🙂
Slim 🙂
Hey Slim 🙂
Thanks for your quick reply. My solicitor told me last year that legal aid for these matters stopped in March of last year, and it would cost me £1500. She did not tell me that I could represent myself for a £215 fee though. I will look further in to this thanks. Do you know how much a DNA test would cost me?
G
No probs man, That's right but legal aid is still available if there has been proof of DV I'm not 100% but I think you will qualify due to you already been to court for your ex assaulting you, I think someone else can advise you better on here but I'm sure you can.
Try not to listen to solicitors too much that £1500 she quoted seems extremely low indeed I got quoted £6-20k some dads on here have forked out up to £40k. They don't tell you you can rep yourself as they aren't making any money.
If you dont qualify for LA like i said you can go it alone, you will get all the help and advice on here which is needed I did it so anyone can 🙂
http://www.alphabiolabs.co.uk/public-services/paternity-testing/ theres the link for DNA testing.
Heres the link for legal aid if there is DV http://www.justice.gov.uk/private-family-matters-legal-aid/victims-domestic-violence
Thanks pal. I will even have to save up for that lol. I will look in to all this as well. Much appreciated 🙂
Ah just read that. It says it doesn't count if the conviction is 'spent' she had an 18 month suspended sentence which was complete a couple of months ago.
You should be able to get it paid for if you get legal aid just whipped this off a mediation site -
Legal Aid: In mediation you can still access legal aid. If DNA testing is done through mediation, it can be claimed as a disbursement subject to approval from the Legal Aid Agency. So, if you are eligible for legal aid, you could have a free DNA test. If you are not eligible for legal aid, you need to check how much you are going to be charged before agreeing to the test. It is usually cheaper to have the testing done through National Family Mediation (NFM) as part of the mediation process.
heres the link
http://www.nfm.org.uk/index.php/separation-issues/dna-drug-and-alcohol-testing/dna-testing
Hmmm do you meet anymore of the criteria?
There's no way I'd get it pal. Her conviction was spent a few months back 🙁
Thanks anyway,
I don't think so mate
It's no biggie you still have plenty of options man 🙂
Go it alone if you have too, start researching the family court system
You might want to attend one of these meetings if theres one in your area - http://www.fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2/local-branch-meetings
That link I sent for the dna test was from a court approved on but if you do a search there is other cheaper options, do you really think the child isn't yours?
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