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Hi all,
great website! I got pointed in the direction of this today as seem to be fighting an on going battle with my ex.
I feel like I'm being taken advantage of financially and was interested in getting the views of other Dads/people outside my own friends group as they may naturally be biased towards me.
I transfer £340 p/m to my ex for 2 children, but then with everything else I contribute towards I pay over £440 p/m which includes school dinners, football fees & some educational costs on top of maintenance. I have contacted the CSA & if done through them I would have to pay £318 p/m to support my children so I feel that I'm being more than generous in the upbringing of my kids as I could literally pay the £318 and not a penny more.
On top of this I do an average of 300 miles each weekend I have them with running them back to where they now live to pick them up, drop them off and run them back and forth for football which involves 4 trips in 2 days as my ex refuses to do any of the travelling and says it is my responsibility to do this if I want to see my children. This is probably an extra £80-80 per month I then pay out on.
I've paid for all their haircuts on top of this but this month I said I would only make a contribution (2/3rds) as I can't afford to do it all (& surely haircuts should fall under maintenance) and now she's accusing me of being tight.
Am I being unreasonable?
Hi
What the CMS say you should pay is all you are legally obliged to do - this should cover all expenses that you are paying on top, so there is no legal requirement for you to pay for anything else. In addition, you could get a slight reduction for the mileage you do (won't be a great deal, but it's possible nonetheless). You could open a case with the CMS yourself (costs £20 to open the case) and they will do the calculations for you and you pay this only -if you want to pay for anything else on top of that, it's your choice to do so.
It's a difficult path to walk, you want to look after your children and provide for them, without them losing out because of your split, but.. you also have to move on with your own life and provide a second home for them when they visit, juggling the finances can be tough.
I think as you have the figures from the CSA you could try and negotiate with her, you do have the option of opening a cas with them if her demands continue to be unreasonable. Does she work? If she does, she's likely to be getting working tax credits, as well as the child benefit for the children...she could be on more than you!
She's going to continue to call you names and accuse you of not caring and being tight, if you want to limit the amount you currently pay, you're going to have to grow a thicker skin!
I don't think you're being unreasonable, armed with the CSA figures this should reassure you that you are fulfilling your responsibilities and some.
Best of luck
Thankfully I don't care what she says or thinks about me. As long as im supporting the boys & they are ok is all I'm fussed about.
She's currently on maternity leave as got a boy with her partner.
Just pay child support ,you provide when there in your own house in terms of extras and activitys
Remeber the golden rule men
1.child support is cheaper
2.dad or child support you cant have both in the mothers 'parenting time
3.child support covers everything that's why I love paying it
4.child support kills natural fathers and makes a relationship to child superficial and fragmented
As mojo said - it's a difficult one.
Some dads pay the bare minimum, others a bit more.
Some dads pay the legal amount required then go halves on uniform, hair cuts, activities / clubs etc?
I would maybe say pay the legal required amount and then if you want to help with things like listed above - I would think about the mothers financial situation and whether she can afford these things even with your contribution? If it's going to mean your children can't attend clubs then maybe re think? Some mothers don't really need CM and others rely on it to contribute towards the basics for the children in their care.
Tough one....
Hello RobJ77
Many parents do now choose to sort out their maintenance between themselves as it can be the quickest and easiest way of setting up a maintenance agreement and although family-based arrangements are not legally binding, they are very flexible and can be easily changed so your agreement can be adapted to incorporate changes without any disruption to your regular payments.
If you do wish to continue with your family-based arrangement Child Maintenance Options do have various tools and guides on their website at http://www.cmoptions.org that can help you negotiate with your ex-partner and try and come to an agreed amount that you are both happy with.
Some parents do find that when they make a family-based arrangement it does tend to last longer as it’s just an agreement made between the two of them and continuing to collaborate together may also be better for your boys.
If you find you are not able to renegotiate your family-based arrangement you may wish to consider making an application to the Child Maintenance Service. They are the Government’s statutory maintenance service and can either calculate your child maintenance, then leave you to arrange payments between yourselves, or they can collect payments and pass them on for you.
As actd and Yoda have mentioned in their posts, paying parents are legally responsible only for the amount worked out by the Child Maintenance Service and are not obliged to pay for anything extra, however, if you do wish to contribute with school activities and clubs, you could continue to do so voluntarily.
If you decide to ask the Child Maintenance Service to arrange your child maintenance for you in the future, your responsibility to pay will start from around the point that your ex-partner is contacted by them, not from when you first make your application. For further information about putting in place a statutory arrangement and the fees involved with this, you will need to contact Child Maintenance Options yourself.
You may also be interested to know the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) have a new web application, 'Sorting out Separation'. It aims to make it much easier for separating and separated parents (and childless couples) to find the support they need, when and where they need it, and encourages them to collaborate on a range of issues. The link is www.cmoptions.org/en/sortingoutseparation/index.asp.
For more information, and for a more personalised service, you may wish to visit the Child Maintenance Options website yourself.
Regards
William
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